It's Raining ...

Its raining here, it's pouring, in fact. We are in a deluge of good news!

I love good news; I don't care if it's something huge or just a little happy happening, good news rocks. Good news, when shared, is a beacon of hope. It reminds us that good things still happen, that if my pal had some good fortune then I could be next, that even if the world seems like it's going to pot the possibility is great that things will turn around at any moment. Good news is a declaration of Magnificent Possibility.

Sometimes when I'm down I go trolling for good news. I'll scan my Facebook page, read our town newspaper or ask the kids what crazy awesome thing happened to them today. I'll also make a list of the good news in my own life. My lists have included things like finding Mischief's tie for an upcoming wedding, having the time to sip my coffeejuice and read a book and seeing that the kids picked up their miscellaneous junk from the front entry. I look for any little thing that can put a smile on my face.

Today I woke up to some spectacular news. First, I discovered that Mr. Awesome let me sleep in ... late! Then my mom texted me to let me know that my dad just heard back about all of his post-chemo tests and it's all Good News! He has no active cancer in his body at this point; the chemo did it's job! He still has some maintenance things to do for the next couple of years but all the scary words like bone marrow transplant have melted away in the light of this magnificent news!

Then I clicked on to Facebook and was greeted with dozens of 'May the 4th be with you' messages from my dorky pals. As I scrolled through my news feed I discovered that friends are getting books published, another one is celebrating a daughter's engagement and yet another is announcing her son's acceptance into university. There were posts about races won, surgeries booked and time spent with family. Good news is all over the place if you open your ears, and heart, to it.

In a culture where news reports are full of fear and violence, where people have made being cynical fashionable and where joy seems all but extinct it is our responsibility to be Bearers of Good News, Ambassadors of Hope. Those of us who can see the glass as half full need to remind the others that that means there's always room for more. We need to teach those around us how to see the good, how to celebrate the everyday happenings that make this life incredible.

Whether great or small, celebrate the Good that you see, embrace joy and live hope.

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. --Marcel Proust

Back in the Saddle

A new day, a new attitude.

Treatment didn't happen this week and although the change of plans was difficult for this hyper-planner to deal with at first, I'm so glad things worked out the way they did. Having this week off treatment has left me time to get a few things done and have a few cool experiences with the kids that I would have missed otherwise. It was like winning the Healthy Me Lotto; I was given this extra week of feeling good between appointments and so far, I've made the most of it.

I have loved the little moments of sitting with Crafty and talking about school and seeing Mischief's crazy excitement after he caught a passel of butterflies with the neighbors. I have enjoyed going out for coffee with a friend, volunteering at church and taking a drive in to the city with Mr. Awesome but nothing compares to yesterday evening!

Dude is back at Keen Ridge this spring, but instead of just participating in the Equine Therapy during the day, he is going out there once a week in the evenings for riding lessons. He couldn't be more excited to have the opportunity to actually RIDE the horses but he's also been disappointed that I've not been well enough to go out to the arena to watch him. This week, my Lotto week, that all changed!

Yesterday after super we packed our crew into the van and headed out to Keen Ridge for Dude's lesson. He chatted the whole way there about how cool his horse is, how much he's learning and what an awesome teacher Terry is (even though she's a girl and really, really pregnant!). We had barely stopped the van before he jumped out and raced to the door of the arena, pausing for only a moment to pet his favourite dog along the way.

Mr. Awesome and I had a seat in 'The Cage' and watched for nearly two hours as Dude groomed, saddled and guided his horse (Skitty) through different exercises. He rode around and around the arena, pausing often to make sure we were getting pictures of him and his horse pal. We were amazed at how calm, in control and responsive to correction Dude was while he was in the saddle. All of his normal anxiety and defensiveness seemed to melt away as Terry taught him how to build trust with Skitty so that she would respond to his direction.

On the way home, Dude recounted every moment of the lesson with excited detail. When I asked him if it felt good to be in control, he answered, "I'm not really in control. Skitty and I are partners, we have to trust each other."

That reminded me of how anxious and grumpy I had been earlier in the week. My whole attitude crappy because I wasn't in control, but I don't need to be in control. I just need to remember to do my part, stay positive, take care of myself and keep moving forward, and let the doctors and nurses (and most importantly, God) do their thing. I need to trust.

It's good to feel like myself, to be back in the saddle again!

Horses and children, I often think, have a lot of the good sense there is in the world. ~Josephine Demott Robinson


For more information on Keen Ridge click here or here.

Just Passing By

I've been sitting here, staring at this blank page for at least half an hour, trying to muster up something funny, light-hearted and inspirational but I got nothing. I am tired. I am frustrated and I wish I could just throw in the towel with this whole chemo thing.

I am halfway through my treatments, which should be a good thing but I have had a really hard time with my port. Each time I've gone for treatment we've spent more time trying to unblock my port than actually pushing the drugs. I have to bend, twist, stretch and get pumped full of what Mr. Awesome calls 'medicinal draino'.

Oh, and to top off this lovely adventure my white blood cell count is low so after spending all day at the hospital yesterday, trying to open things up for chemo, I may not actually get chemo this week! All of this has left me exhausted and exceptionally grumpy today. So grumpy, in fact that I wasn't going to blog at all; then I looked at the calendar.

May 1.

The first of the month. The one day every month where I have pledged to blog with the sole purpose of reminding you, My People, to check yourself so that, hopefully, you will never have to walk this road. So here I am, writing this stinking blog.

I try to write things that are uplifting, that leave you feeling a little happier, a little more hopeful than you were before you gave me a few minutes out of your busy day. I also try to be real, honest and open about my journey as a wife, mother, woman and now Cancer-Kicking Ninja. So, I'm writing because this is real. It ain't pretty, eloquent or inspirational but it's honest and that has to count for something.

May 1 also marks six months since I found out that my non-cyst was actually cancer. I have been fighting this battle for six months. Six months plus one day ago I never would have imagined that this is where life was taking me but here I am, half a year in and still alive, still fighting and still winning.

I have learned a lot about myself, my family and my friends in the past six months. I have learned that I am a heck of a lot stronger than I thought, that my family loves me more than I could have ever imagined and that I have more friends that I ever dreamed of. I have also learned that days like today have come to pass. They have come to pass not come to stay but they have come and just as quickly they will go again. Thank God!

Thanks for hanging with me today, for loving me through my whining and for being here when this has passed. You (yes you!) are an inspiration and constant source of strength for me. Thanks for being My People!

Now, go have a coffeejuice and we'll meet up again tomorrow ... when this has passed!

If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill

Change Happens

Its been over a week since I've blogged and so as I logged in to write about some quirky little things the kids have done and said recently I was shocked, dismayed and uncomfortable by what I saw on my screen. Blogger changed their format. The fonts are different, the layout is weird and everything is unfamiliar ... I hate it.

While I mumbled and fumed about these dumb and unnecessary changes I was reminded of the many conversations I've had recently surrounding change; both the word and the reality.

Some people see change as exciting and refreshing but the vast majority of people dislike change. It makes them uncomfortable, insecure and out of balance. To many people, change is the signal for impending doom; its the starting line for chaos and an open door invitation for every bad thing to walk right in. Change is bad. Status quo is good; its safe, familiar and predictable ... everything change is not.

I live in a house where change is the enemy for everyone but me. Mr. Awesome and the kids have a really hard time with change; even the small stuff like changing the pictures that hang in the living room make some members of this Random Family cringed and squirm. Whenever change is necessary we have to have a lot of conversation about it, why we are making the change and all the good that will come from it. The kids will squawk and complain and we will try to quell their fears but the time comes when the conversation has to stop and action must be taken.

And you know what? Everyone survives the changes and most of the time they grow to like them!

Change is like everything else in life, how you think about it influences how you feel about it and ultimately how you deal with it. If you think change is a bad thing then you will feel insecure whenever you are required to change and will probably experience only the negative side to whatever change is taking place. You will create the situation you dread.

What if you look at change as an opportunity to grow, mature and experience something new? What if you saw change as an open door to endless wonderful possibilities? What if change wasn't change but a step forward?

I have experienced a lot of change in the past two years; new town, new home, new friends, new church, new body. Some of the changes are ones I planned and orchestrated, others I just had to roll with. One thing In learned very early on is that if I can find one positive thing to hold on to during a time of change, it will act like a magnet and draw other good things to it.

For instance, while my body is healing my energy level has changed, as in some days I have no energy. At first this really annoyed me (and to be honest, some days it still really annoys me) but in being forced to be still I have had time to think about things, like seriously think about who I am, what my life is about and what I want for my family. I have had time to read some amazing books and best of all I have had time to talk with people, really connect with some amazing people. In this time I have grown and matured in ways I wouldn't have had I not been forced to change.

All I am saying in this rambling post is that change is going to happen, you have no choice sometimes, but you can either be the master of it by embracing it, celebrating it and growing with it or you can be a slave of it by feeling its burden and collapsing under its weight.

You choose.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. ~Ellen Glasgow

An End of An Era

Today our 19 month Hair Saga has come to an end. In the fall of 2010, Dude decided to let his already unruly locks keep growing; his plan was to grow out his hair and donate it to make a wig for a kid in need. As I've written before, this has been a bumpy road for him but he has always held fast to his conviction that he was doing the right thing; he was growing extra hair for some kid who couldn't grow any hair at all.

This morning, fighting waves of nervous nausea, Dude entered his school to face the clippers. I was worried for him; I was concerned that nerves would get the better of him and he'd feel overwhelmed and back out. I was worried that we had planned this big assembly and that none of the kids would care. It turns out all my worry was for nothing. As I walked down the hallway with Dude his friends and classmates started calling out his name, some chanting for him, many high-fiving him and a few girls were brave enough to approach him and touch his luscious locks for one last time.



The kids at the assmbley



"Dude, you're a rock star!" I said, in awe. He shrugged and said, "Y'know how it is."

 Before The Big Cut, I took a before picture of Dude and his pal, Colton (the other brave soul who was donating his locks today), gave them both a high five and wished them well. Within half an hour this two hippy boys were transformed into two hip young men, to the hoots and applause of their classmates. Aside from donating their hair the boys, and their school, raised well over one thousand dollars for Angel Hair for Kids.

Once the assembly was over, Dude walked us to the doors to say good bye. We told him how proud we are of him and what an example he is. He looked down the hall, watching his friends move into their next classes, and laughed.

"I did this. This whole thing today was because I had the idea that I could give my hair away. It was just an idea!"

"It was an idea you shared and from that idea other people were inspired to help out too ... that's how people change the world and make a difference," I said.

"That's cool and it wasn't even that hard to do!" he smiled, said good-bye and headed down the hall to his class. I stood there for a second and marvelled at this young man who I have the privilege to raise and the amazing friends he has surrounding him and cheering him on.

These boys are rock stars and heroes, they are compassionate souls and inspirations, they are magnificent. I am so proud of them and their friends for understanding that one kid with a head of hair, a pocket full of coins and a caring heart can make a real difference.

I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do. ~Edward Everett Hale

Aware!

Yesterday was World Autism Awareness Day ... or something like that. It was kind of cool to see Facebook and Twitter light up with blue puzzle pieces and stories of exceptional people, thriving though on The Spectrum. Hearing all those success stories made me a little nostalgic and I started thinking about the journey we've been on with our kids; this crazy ride called Autism.

I have written before about how chaotic and stressful our life was during those early years of Autism and how much Dude has grown and matured but it still amazes me. I am in awe of how much he's learned and how independent he is getting. We hear often from his team at the school about how good he is at speaking up for himself and communicating his needs. The strategies we have spent years teaching him are becoming second nature to him.

We are also seeing how his Asperger focus is enabling him to excel in certain areas of his life. His obsession with Lego and building is turning into a real skill of understanding balance, perspective and basic engineering principles as he constructions towers, buildings and structures in our basement. Even his sensory sensitivity, which was once a huge obstacle to every day living, has steered him towards activities that he he seems to have a natural ability in, like swimming, curling and drumming. His love for science drives him to discover how our planet works, how things like light and sound travel and how the ocean affects all life. His mind is an amazing thing.

What I also find amazing is the friends that are emerging in his life. Making friends has always been a bit of a rocky road but recently there have been these wonderful, open minded and accepting kids who have welcomed Dude as one of their own. They accept his quirks, try to guide him through some of his awkwardness and understand his 'rudeness' is just the truth as he sees it. They praise his talents and engage him in conversation about his interests. They also have taught him that he needs to be a friend if he wants to have a friend, so he asks about them and gets excited for their successes.

When I look at my beautiful twelve year old boy I am aware that we have come a long way. I am also aware that we still have a fair stretch to go. I am aware that people are amazing and that Asperger's doesn't have to limiting, it can be a gift.

Here's a video about an extremely talented surfer who found his normal on top of the waves ...

"I see people with Asperger's syndrome as a bright thread in the rich tapestry of life"

- Tony Attwood.

I Fight Like a Girl, So There!

It's that time of the month again ... time to Check Yourself!

The last couple of weeks have been kind of hectic; I had treatment, the kids had a curling bonspiel which the grandparents came to town for (and Dude and Mischief's team won second place!) and then we packed up the van to spend the better part of Spring Break week at my parents' place.

My treatment week turned out to be a pretty frustrating week. My port was blocked and after spending five hours at the hospital clearing it I went home with the plan to return to CancerCare the next day for my treatment. When I arrived the next morning, my port was blocked again. I had a mini melt down while the medical staff discussed the options (reinserting the port - meaning another surgery -  or installing a pic line - ewww! ). Sometimes going through Chemo really bites.

They finally got my port flowing, after another round of what Mr. Awesome called 'medical draino', and I had chemo. By the time my treatment was done and I got home I was physically and emotionally spent so I put on my favourite post-chemo DVD and crawled in to bed. My doctor and I had decided to decrease my anti-nausea meds so I wouldn't be as stoned but that evening I ended up taking a hefty dose anyway because I was feeling rough. I made it through the night and by the next morning I was feeling much better.

 That evening my family showed up and then curling and Sunday school and play dates and drum practice and BBQ shopping and meal making and, and, and ... The weekend was fun but busy and in the midst of all the regular life mom stuff I have been trying to cope with the side effects from chemo.

On Sunday night, when I crawled into bed, happy but exhausted, I thought about my life; the family, the friends, the Autism, the volunteering, the writing, the mothering, the wifing, the writing, the cancer. I thought about all of it and how lucky I am to have so many people of my side, pitching in and helping out. I would be hooped without the support and encouragement from My People.

That being said, I still feel alone sometimes. Sometimes when I am having a hot flash followed by an intense wave of nausea, sometimes when I am in the shower and my hair is running down my face, sometimes when I am desperately tying to cover up the taste of metal in my mouth, sometimes when I look in the mirror and see how this cancer has changed me forever; sometimes I feel like this is my fight alone.

In those moments, I close my eyes, square my shoulders and picture myself literally kicking cancer's ass and then I hear it. Coming from all around me and inside me, I hear it. It is in the distance at first but the more I fight the louder it gets. Its shouting, yelling, cheering. Its the roar of applause. It's My People, in my corner, right there with me, every punch of the way.

Most mornings, as I do my make up and tie on my scarf, I think of My People. I think of myself, preparing for battle and My Legions doing the same. I think of all of the other Warrior Women who have fought this battle and I glean strength from them. I fill my heart with all the good wishes and healing prayers and I know that I am not alone.

About a month ago I stumbled across I website that I now visit often. Anytime I need I pick-me-up, a reminder or an inspiration I click on over to I Fight Like a Girl and read about my fellow warriors and the triumphs they've had. I look at their pictures and see hope, strength and determination in their faces. I learn from their experiences and am inspired by their take-no-prisoners approach to beating cancer and living life. They are My People, also.

This month, as you Check Yourself, think of Your People. Who in your world gives you strength, inspiration and hope? Think of them and thank them.

Thank you!

We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival. ~Winston Churchill