Understanding the Pink

Check Yourself.

Check Yourself.

Check Yourself.

Have you been?

I've been delinquent with the reminders. Sorry. But I hope you've been taking care of yourself anyway. I hope you've been giving your girls a little attention and making sure that they (and you) stay healthy. I hope. I hope. I hope.

This weekend I was invited to attend a football game. The invite came from my cousin's 16 year old son, Caleb, it was his football game and the theme was pink.

Caleb is a fantastic guy and he was an adorable kid. He has morphed from a pudgy cheeked infant and a wee blond charmer into a magnificent young man. He is full of humour, kindness and warmth and I love that I get to call him family.

Caleb's entire family is kind of fantastic. His dad is a pastor and writer who often gives me encouragement (or a kick in the pants) to keep writing, keep living the life I was created to live. His mom is one of my closest friends and has walked this past year with me; supporting me, laughing with me and loving me. Caleb also has three unique and wonderful siblings who make me laugh and melt my heart. 

Like I said, this is a fantastic family and I have come to expect compassion and respect from Caleb but what I saw on Saturday blew me away. And it wasn't just Caleb, it was his whole team!

Once a season these boys go pink. They dedicate one game to cancer awareness and they go all out, raising funds and more than a few eyebrows. The funds go to CancerCare Manitoba and the eyebrows are in reaction to the pink tape they cover their helmets, shoes, socks and arms in. Last year Caleb wrapped himself in pink with the rest of his teammates but this year the pink went deeper.

I haven't spoken to Caleb about this too much but his mom and I have had a few chats. I know that hearing that I was diagnosed with breast cancer just a few weeks after the pink game last year had an impact on Caleb. I know that he has been worried about me during treatments and that he was relieved to see me getting stronger. I know that he now understands the pink a little bit better. And I know that it was really important to him that I was in the bleachers this year.

As I sat and watched the game my mind was flooded with random thoughts about Caleb, his team, his coaches, the other team and the fans. I couldn't help but reminisce about the boy Caleb once was and wonder about the man he is maturing into . I was impressed by the respect, discipline and sportsmanship his team exhibited and the dedication and care the coaches had for not just the kind of players the boys are but the kind of people they are, too. I was conversely baffled by the lack of sportsmanship and restraint the opposing team had and what a poor example of self control their coach was, but that's a rant for another day.

I watched this pink zebraed boys and felt as though they were playing just for me. For me and the more than 200,000 women in North America who will be told this year that they have breast cancer. These teenage boys played for strength, for health, for life. For Hope.

They played their hearts out that game but the score wasn't in their favour. After the game I gave Caleb a hug and told him I was proud of him. Hours later his mom texted me to thank me for attending the game and to say that Caleb was sorry that they didn't win. I told her he did.

His team may not have won the game but they raised money, awareness and hope. They stormed the field in a sea of pink. They played a clean game, a respectful game. They finished well. They may not get it now but in some games there is no winning; in some games just making it through with your head held high and the ability to live, to breath, to stand is winning enough.

Here's to the Transcona Nationals. Here's to a game well played. Here's to Hope.

Here's to Caleb!


Once you choose hope, anything's possible.  ~Christopher Reeve

Just Passing By

I've been sitting here, staring at this blank page for at least half an hour, trying to muster up something funny, light-hearted and inspirational but I got nothing. I am tired. I am frustrated and I wish I could just throw in the towel with this whole chemo thing.

I am halfway through my treatments, which should be a good thing but I have had a really hard time with my port. Each time I've gone for treatment we've spent more time trying to unblock my port than actually pushing the drugs. I have to bend, twist, stretch and get pumped full of what Mr. Awesome calls 'medicinal draino'.

Oh, and to top off this lovely adventure my white blood cell count is low so after spending all day at the hospital yesterday, trying to open things up for chemo, I may not actually get chemo this week! All of this has left me exhausted and exceptionally grumpy today. So grumpy, in fact that I wasn't going to blog at all; then I looked at the calendar.

May 1.

The first of the month. The one day every month where I have pledged to blog with the sole purpose of reminding you, My People, to check yourself so that, hopefully, you will never have to walk this road. So here I am, writing this stinking blog.

I try to write things that are uplifting, that leave you feeling a little happier, a little more hopeful than you were before you gave me a few minutes out of your busy day. I also try to be real, honest and open about my journey as a wife, mother, woman and now Cancer-Kicking Ninja. So, I'm writing because this is real. It ain't pretty, eloquent or inspirational but it's honest and that has to count for something.

May 1 also marks six months since I found out that my non-cyst was actually cancer. I have been fighting this battle for six months. Six months plus one day ago I never would have imagined that this is where life was taking me but here I am, half a year in and still alive, still fighting and still winning.

I have learned a lot about myself, my family and my friends in the past six months. I have learned that I am a heck of a lot stronger than I thought, that my family loves me more than I could have ever imagined and that I have more friends that I ever dreamed of. I have also learned that days like today have come to pass. They have come to pass not come to stay but they have come and just as quickly they will go again. Thank God!

Thanks for hanging with me today, for loving me through my whining and for being here when this has passed. You (yes you!) are an inspiration and constant source of strength for me. Thanks for being My People!

Now, go have a coffeejuice and we'll meet up again tomorrow ... when this has passed!

If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill

I Fight Like a Girl, So There!

It's that time of the month again ... time to Check Yourself!

The last couple of weeks have been kind of hectic; I had treatment, the kids had a curling bonspiel which the grandparents came to town for (and Dude and Mischief's team won second place!) and then we packed up the van to spend the better part of Spring Break week at my parents' place.

My treatment week turned out to be a pretty frustrating week. My port was blocked and after spending five hours at the hospital clearing it I went home with the plan to return to CancerCare the next day for my treatment. When I arrived the next morning, my port was blocked again. I had a mini melt down while the medical staff discussed the options (reinserting the port - meaning another surgery -  or installing a pic line - ewww! ). Sometimes going through Chemo really bites.

They finally got my port flowing, after another round of what Mr. Awesome called 'medical draino', and I had chemo. By the time my treatment was done and I got home I was physically and emotionally spent so I put on my favourite post-chemo DVD and crawled in to bed. My doctor and I had decided to decrease my anti-nausea meds so I wouldn't be as stoned but that evening I ended up taking a hefty dose anyway because I was feeling rough. I made it through the night and by the next morning I was feeling much better.

 That evening my family showed up and then curling and Sunday school and play dates and drum practice and BBQ shopping and meal making and, and, and ... The weekend was fun but busy and in the midst of all the regular life mom stuff I have been trying to cope with the side effects from chemo.

On Sunday night, when I crawled into bed, happy but exhausted, I thought about my life; the family, the friends, the Autism, the volunteering, the writing, the mothering, the wifing, the writing, the cancer. I thought about all of it and how lucky I am to have so many people of my side, pitching in and helping out. I would be hooped without the support and encouragement from My People.

That being said, I still feel alone sometimes. Sometimes when I am having a hot flash followed by an intense wave of nausea, sometimes when I am in the shower and my hair is running down my face, sometimes when I am desperately tying to cover up the taste of metal in my mouth, sometimes when I look in the mirror and see how this cancer has changed me forever; sometimes I feel like this is my fight alone.

In those moments, I close my eyes, square my shoulders and picture myself literally kicking cancer's ass and then I hear it. Coming from all around me and inside me, I hear it. It is in the distance at first but the more I fight the louder it gets. Its shouting, yelling, cheering. Its the roar of applause. It's My People, in my corner, right there with me, every punch of the way.

Most mornings, as I do my make up and tie on my scarf, I think of My People. I think of myself, preparing for battle and My Legions doing the same. I think of all of the other Warrior Women who have fought this battle and I glean strength from them. I fill my heart with all the good wishes and healing prayers and I know that I am not alone.

About a month ago I stumbled across I website that I now visit often. Anytime I need I pick-me-up, a reminder or an inspiration I click on over to I Fight Like a Girl and read about my fellow warriors and the triumphs they've had. I look at their pictures and see hope, strength and determination in their faces. I learn from their experiences and am inspired by their take-no-prisoners approach to beating cancer and living life. They are My People, also.

This month, as you Check Yourself, think of Your People. Who in your world gives you strength, inspiration and hope? Think of them and thank them.

Thank you!

We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival. ~Winston Churchill

Loved Through

While the last minutes of March first slip by I am frantically writing this post. I had pledged to give all my peeps a monthly reminder to check themselves and I didn't want to let this month pass by despite all that's going on here. I started chemo yesterday and had an early morning CT today followed by a little volunteering and a lot of napping. I feel good, with very few side effects. I feel lucky, blessed, in so many ways.

Last weekend I was honoured by spending a day shopping and laughing with my sister and one of my cousins. That evening we met up with twenty or so of my pals for dinner and coffejuice and a movie. All of my pals showed up wearing hats and ready for a good time. I was overwhelmed by the number of people who showed up and how much love flowed my way.

At the end of the meal I stood up and shared a few words with my pals. I wanted then to know that the reason why I can be brave, strong and an 'inspiration' is because they are my people. They are brave for me, strong for me and inspire me. They encourage me, take care of me and love me through this journey ... every step of the way. And as I looked around the room, seeing childhood friends mix with church pals mix with high school buddies mix with family I knew that as long as all these people are on my side I can continue to kick cancer's ass!

A friend posted this video on my facebook wall and I wanted to share it with you ...

This month, as you remember to check yourself ... be sure to look around and count the blessings in your life ... see your pals and know that they are their to love you through whatever you're going through!

Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things. ~Author Unknown

A Healthy Boob is a Happy Boob

Welcome to our first ever #CheckYourself!

Today we will cover the basics because a healthy boob is a happy boob! The only way you'll know if your girls are healthy (and happy) is if you know your girls. Its important for you to know what is normal for your girls because no two girls are alike ... including your two! This is why Breast Self Exams (BSE) are important, they are a tool by which you will get to know your girls.

In recent years there has been some controversy about the effectiveness of BSE as a screening tool. I've read that there are studies that show that BSE don't necessarily increase early detection or survival rates and can be blamed for unnecessary invasive medical procedures. I have also read that BSE can cause unnecessary worry in women. Despite these studies I do feel that when you have all the facts, BSE are a woman's first line of knowledge and defense.

Breasts are naturally lumpy, bumpy, texturally diverse things. They change as we age and they change as our hormones do their monthly cycle. BreastCancer.org has some really great info on their site about BSE. They liken your girls to neighborhoods.

"Breasts tend to have different “neighborhoods.” The upper, outer area — near your armpit — tends to have the most prominent lumps and bumps. The lower half of your breast can feel like a sandy or pebbly beach. The area under the nipple can feel like a collection of large grains. Another part might feel like a lumpy bowl of oatmeal."

Once you get to know your 'neighborhood' its important to keep perspective. The percentage of lumps found that are actually biopsied and are actually cancerous is relatively small, so if you come across something during your BSE don't automatically jump to worse case scenario. Make notes on what you found, when you found it and where it is. Make an appointment with your doctor and then LISTEN to what they have to say.

 
A good doctor will take your concerns seriously an educate you about breast health. The more you know the better prepared you are to take care of yourself. BTW - being prepared does not include googling breast cancer and reading every horror story on the Internet. Hope and common sense thrive in a mind that is protected, balanced and responsibly informed; don't feed your worries with whatever junk you come across.
 
When you actually get down to checking yourself its important to be thorough and consistent. BreastCancer.org  gives a comprehensive five step method of checking the girls, including pictures. I know this might be uncomfortable for some of you because it was for me, especially step 1, but I am going to tell you in all seriousness that step 4 was the first step to saving my life.
 
The point is, I want you to take responsibility for your own health. Modern medicine is full of miracles. Doctors and scientists have been clever enough to figure out all kinds of ways to screen people for all kinds of deadly illness. Check your boobs, your cervix, your colon, your heart. Check yourself, take care of yourself. You have an amazing life to lead and it would be a tragedy if you missed it because you were too embarrassed to be informed about your own body, your own health.
 
#CheckYourself
 
To fear is one thing. To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another. ~Katherine Paterson