The Business of Unbusying Myself

A few days ago I read a blog by Tyler Ward that has stuck with me, gnawing at the edges of my mind as I've waded back into the chaos of post-holiday life. I don't know who Tyler Ward is but his thoughts on busyness resonate with me, so much so that I feel compelled to add my two cents to this conversation.

Although I've done this myself, more than I'd like to admit, I have long felt that answering the standard, "How are you?" greeting with a trite "busy" was a self-important cop-out to avoid engaging in a real conversation. It effectively shuts down any real hope of conversation and reduces the exchange into a comparison of who has the busier life. When the greeter and greeted both complete their lists of busyness, there is usually a moment of uncomfortable silence before they awkwardly bow out of the interaction and return to their busy lives. Often times, in the midst of the busyness there is an overwhelming sense of loneliness because to-do lists have replaced togetherness.

After reading Mr. Ward's blog and then looking at the mountain of emails, projects and to-do lists waiting for me on my desk I had to ask myself is being busy is all that it's cracked up to be?

The short answer?

No.

And we all know it. We all know, deep down, that busyness is no where near as fulfilling as friendship, community and purpose. The day to day tasks that overwhelm us and numb us to the simple pleasure of being are a shadow compared to the joy and satisfaction that comes with living an authentic, meaningful life. But how do we find meaning? How do we know where to put our energy to find fulfillment instead of mere busyness?

Look at your life. What are the five things you give the bulk of your time to? Be honest and don't cop out by saying 'family' or 'work'. Be specific. Do you run a lot of errands? Do you watch a lot of TV? Do you work a lot of extra hours? Are you a dedicated kid chauffeur?

Make your list and then think about it. Really THINK.

A while back I saw this little graphic on Pinterest that was meant to apply to the words we speak but as I looked at it again I felt that it could also be applied to how we spend our time. So, look at your list and ask yourself ...

Is it TRUE to who I am? Does this item reflect my values and character?
Is it HELPFUL to me and those around me? Am I really adding to the solution or am I just keeping busy to feel that I have value in this situation?
Is it INSPIRING me to do more, to be more or is it exhausting me? Am I energized or drained by this activity?
Is it NECESSARY? Is this a task that must be done or is it a time suck that is stealing you away from something more vital and productive?
Is it KIND to you? Does this bring life, rest, inspiration or relaxation to you? Is this something that adds to your life and sense of worth or does it detract from you?

If you answered 'no' to any of these questions in relation to your list ask yourself whether the list is the problem or your attitude toward it.I'll bet you that you can already see where changes can be made, where you can trim some busyness and add something that is True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary and Kind to your day to day life.

Think, start small, be consistent and, above all, put relational ships above busyness - you won't be sorry!

Beware of the barrenness of a busy life.
~Socrates

Crime; Boy, I Don't Know.

I could home school. Or maybe we could look at private school? No, homeschooling would be better. Maybe we should move? To the neighbouring town? Back to the city? Out of province? Out of country???

This has been the spinning top in the back of my mind for the last week. I'm not sure what the right answer is but right now, the way things are, the current set up isn't working. As things are, I'm sending my kid into a hostile atmosphere with a gaping wound. He is in so much pain that even when people accidentally touch his 'wound' or intentionally touch it to treat it he lashes out. And don't even get me started on the ones who inflicted the wound in the first place.

Dude has had one heck of a year so far and he just can't seem to catch a break anywhere. The year started off a little rocky. Mr. Awesome and I had concerns about his program and classroom right from the start of the year. Then, two months into the year The Incident happened (can't get into it for a number of reasons but suffice it to say, those who know the details can't believe the year we've had!) and we had Dude transferred out of his homeroom.

In the midst of the upset that comes from taking a kid with Asperger's, who thrives on routine, hates change and can't understand social subtleties, and switching classrooms, peers, routines and teachers on him, he was/is dealing with being a target of some very malicious behaviour. So, what we have now is a boy who is confused, angry, hurt and full of distrust walking through the halls of a middle school (which is not the most nurturing atmosphere at the best of times. Seriously, how warm and fuzzy was your grade seven experience?) totally on edge and freaking out on people in a huge way for what seems a minor offence.

I've had a total of nine hours of conversation, since Monday, with different administrators in our school and school division about Dude, the school culture, school division policy on bullying and how it actually plays out day to day. We've talked big picture and we've talked minute detail.

The West Wing is one of my all time favourite shows (no, this isn't a rabbit I'm chasing, this ties in, I promise). In one episode President Bartlett is talking to his political opponent. Bartlett is informing his opponent of the murder of a secret service agent in a violent gun attack. His opponent's reply? "Crime. Boy, I don't know." Bartlett looks at the guy like he's on crack and then sets out to annihilate him in the election.

During my conversations this week and for the past two and a half years I've been working with the schools in my area, I've had a lot of "Crime. Boy, I don't know" moments. As adults, we sit around and lament about the state of our kids, of our schools and of our communities but we don't actually do anything about it. Or if we do try to do something, its not enough and falls short of real change.

I'm tired of lamenting. I'm tired of talking and frankly, I'm afraid of what will happen in our schools, in our community, if things continue this way. Suicide? School shooting? Who knows, but it shouldn't have to get to that before we, the adults, set a new course for our kids.

Now, before you think I live in a war zone and my kids' schools are hotbeds of violent activity, you should know that I live in a beautiful small city with schools that are filled with caring and committed staff and compassionate and connected students. There is a lot of good, a lot to be celebrated. But there is also  a lot of room for improvement. We need to do better for our kids, we need to require more.

We can't wail and bemoan the lack of moral fibre in our kids and then go on our way. Illuminating the problem isn't enough. We have to do more.

So I am. I am going to do more. To be more. To expect more.

I promise because, "Crime. Boy, I don't know," is not an answer.

Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right.
~Theodore Roosevelt 

How 'bout that?

WARNING: This blog post may turn into the rantings of a crazy woman ... ack, who am I kidding ... that's all this thing is on a good day, anyway!

So, yesterday I made the trek into the city to have a follow up appointment with the doctor who did the relocation/rebuild portion of my surgery. It was his first day back after his holidays so I was warned that his day was jammed and that he would, more than likely, be running behind schedule. And he was ... more than an hour behind schedule.

Mr. Awesome and I settled in to watch ELLEN with the other half dozen or so people in the waiting room. It didn't take long before Ellen's monologue was overshadowed by murmuring and grumbling. One by one the other patients were losing their patience.

The complaining started out pretty benign but quickly crossed over to snarky and kept on going right to the point of rudeness. People complained about how long they were waiting, that The Doctor must be having a coffee break or that he's taking his time because he doesn't want to wrinkle his suit. Most of these comments were greeted by chuckles and grunts of agreement from the other patients.

After about an hour there was only two other patients in the waiting room with us and the complaining seemed to have run its course until a patient re-entered the waiting room. He had already seen the doctor but he felt the need to return to complain some more.

He spent 15 minutes complaining about the wait time, the lack of care the staff gave to him and how his sister got much better medical attention from a different doctor. Then he began bragging about how he told The Doctor off for the shoddy care he received. Of the two other patients in the room, one woman really got in to the Whine Fest. She chimed in with her tale of woe, recounting all the ways that the hospital staff and Doctor failed to meet her expectations.

I was so irritated that I could hardly sit still and I wanted nothing more than to tell These Two Whiners to "Shut up and be thankful that this 'sub-standard' doctor was able to save your whiny-assed lives" ... but I didn't. I found my Zen and reminded myself that everyone, especially those facing serious injury or illness, is entitled to their own experience and emotions. Pretty grown-up, eh? I thought so.

The thing is, I have discovered that this whole journey is less scary, traumatic and exhausting if I look at it from the perspective of thankfulness. I seriously didn't want to spend two hours waiting in a stuffy hospital waiting room but the truth is, without this doctor and his skill I wouldn't have lived a year. He (and his team) took the first step in saving my life.

And if you can't wrap your head around that, how about realising that doctors and nurses are people; people with families and lives and plans outside of the hospital. I'm sure they'd love to work 9 to 5 so they could be home for supper every night, attend all of their kids' events and have a social life (I'm sure their spouses and kids would love that even more!) but that's not the nature of The Job; especially with This Doctor and his team.

They arrive early, stay late, continually study to improve their skills and techniques. They are in awe of science and medicine and the miracle of the human body. They strive for perfection and connection. They give their all and care about the patient as an individual, as a human being. They respect life and work hard to not only repair the body but to keep hope and dignity in tact. And for all their skill, God given abilities and fancy degrees they are still caring, compassionate human beings.

And don't even get me started about how blessed we are to be Canadians, to have access to all of this medical treatment without having to pay a dime for it!

That's my rant. People are people and instead of complaining about the faults and focusing on the short comings how about celebrating the goodness, compassion and generosity of others.

How 'bout that?

On Modern Parenting

For the past several months I have been active on a parenting forum. I was drawn there for the strong Asperger/Autism community on that site but I have stayed around for the other conversations, on the other boards. I have had a really good time connecting with other parents over issues that are common to us all. I've realized that no matter where you live, everyone has the same challenges, worries and frustrations when it comes to parenting.


The conversations have been interesting and entertaining ... until a few days ago. Late last week I stumbled across a couple threads that nearly drove me around the bend. What I saw in thread after thread were parents who were afraid. They were afraid to upset their kids, to deny their kids something everyone else had and to put limits and expectations on their kids. They were hovering, worrying and creating panic in their lives over things that were no-brainers for our parents when we were kids.

For instance, this one mom posted this note/question about how worried she is for her child in the fall. She went on and on about how she doesn't know how she's going to manage to get him and his sister to school because they go to schools in opposite directions and she's not sure that her son will qualify for the bus. Turns out her kid is nine and the school is six blocks away. Then there's the single mom who is thinking of IVF treatments because she is worried about her daughter growing up as an only child and let's not forget about the many moms who think it is perfectly appropriate for their 10, 8 or 6 year olds to have cel phones. They say it’s a safety issue, so their kids can call from a friend's house or school anytime they feel the need to.

I know I have written/ranted about this topic before but I am still amazed and annoyed by what parents see as needs vs. wants. I hate how I sound like I'm 110 years old during these rants, but seriously, when I was a kid we played at the park, we rode our bikes and if we needed to call our parents we used the emergency quarter we kept in our pocket or asked to use the phone at the corner store. We had watches and check in times and our parents knew our friends. Most importantly we were the kids and they were the parents, they made decisions based on what was best for the whole family, not out of fear of 'upsetting' us.

I'm not sure how or why my generation went from being well rounded, active kids to being hypochondriac, obsessive, helicopter parents. When did we decide that measured independence, obedience and respect were bad for kids? When did we realize our childhood was traumatic because we were required think of others, understand our place in the world and be aware of our surroundings? When did we decide it was better to be friends with our kids than to parent them?

I'm not a perfect parent and I do not, by any stretch of the imagination, have it all figured out but the one thing I know for sure is that my kids need me. They need me to use my life experience, my big-picture view of our family, to guide and direct them. They need me to teach them boundaries, respect and independence. They need me to be the grown-up and let them be the kids. They need to hear 'no' and 'I love you' more than they need heaps of toys and gadgets. They need to know I have their best interests at heart and that I am okay if they don't like me in the moment if it means that they have learned a lesson that will stay with them for life. They need to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am fiercely in love with them, will always be there for them and that I am their parent and I take that responsibility very, very seriously.




If you have never been hated by your child you have never been a parent. ~Bette Davis

Rules of the Blogosphere

This rant has been a long time coming…it started as a slow boil and now, well it’s a raging volcanic explosion. Since I have started blogging, and even before, I would receive links and messages to check out blogs by other writers. No problem, I’ll take a look but let me law down my rules to blogging.


1. No Rage-a-holics Allowed

No one wants to log on and hear about how crappy your life is, what a moron your ex is or how mean your family is. No one wants to spend what precious few minutes they have to waste blog-hoping by reading a rage filled rant (this one excluded as it is for educational purposes).


2. We don’t care!

We don’t care if you can’t decide what to have for dinner tonight, what colour nail polish is on your toes or that you got your head stuck in the microwave…unless you are funny. Not funny strange either, if you have genuine wit, go ahead and entertain us with the everyday stuff but here’s a tip, if you are bored writing your blog people will be bored reading it.


3. Not everyone is a natural born blogger

In fact very few people are. I have a lot of friends who are published authors and they struggle with their blogs, especially if their plan is to have a daily blog. Its tough coming up with fresh ideas and funny anecdotes every day. Just because everyone else has a blog doesn’t mean you have to have one.


4. Know Your Audience

So, you are determined to have a blog. Great, go ahead and write away, but before you start ask yourself one question. Who am I writing for? If you are writing for yourself, meaning you have thoughts and feelings you just have to get out, buy yourself a journal. Seriously, if you start sharing your most personal thoughts and feelings on the Internet you will one day regret it.


If you are writing for friends and family then fill your blog with pictures of your kids and cute anecdotes. Used this way a blog can be a wonderful tool to keep relatives that don’t see your family often in the loop about what’s going on in your world.


If your goal is to become the next Internet blogging sensation then its time to take an honest look at your writing skill level, your knowledge base and your personal brand (what’s your niche and how are you going to sell yourself)


These are my basic rules to not being a Blog Moron. Here a few links to blogs I enjoy…

Reading this blog is like sitting down for a chat with a pal -  
       http://www.ejknapp.com/
Sally finds the most interesting pictures and I enjoy her musings on life - 
       http://fatquarter.wordpress.com/
A no-nonsense blog about writing and publishing -
       http://jakonrath.blogspot.com/
A pastor breaks down his sermons and challenges his readers -
       http://thelandofpromise.blogspot.com/
A new blog about everything and anything that pops into the writer's head -
       http://www.ignite107.com/ (for this one you need to scroll down and click on Adrienne's Blog)

**I am appalled that I forgot to inlcude the one of my very favourite blogs! Sorry Cat! This one is full of wit, charm, writing and real life...she's a groovy chick and her blog is a must read!
       http://catconnor.blogspot.com/

Ye Shall Swing from the Gallows!

As a parent when I think of pirates my mind still goes to Captain Feathersword, Captain Jack and depending on the day I've had, occasionally to Captain Morgan.  ;-) But when I watch the news or go online I see that pirates are still a very real threat...and they live in our communities, frequent our grocery stores and even sit next to us in our churches.

From a young age most of us are taught that stealing is wrong. We would never dream of entering some one's home and taking their property, stealing their car or emptying their bank account. Stealing is wrong, plain and simple but somehow when we change the name of the act we are suddenly fine with it.

We all know people, or maybe you are the person, who downloads movies or shares music files. Downloading and sharing don't sound wrong, in fact, aren't we supposed to share? Yes, sharing is good if you, for example, bought a dozen cookies sharing one with a friend is the polite thing to do. But if you stole the cookies and gave one to a friend, that's 'accessory after the fact' - not so nice.

Pirating, or illegal downloading, is not a problem that only exists in the music and film industries but one that is affecting the publishing industry as well. I had no idea how widespread this issue is until yesterday. Maybe its because I'm naive or maybe its because I think people who are avid readers are better than this but I never would have imagined that thousands upon thousands of books are illegally downloaded everyday.

I am a member of an amazing writer's group. These people have taught me volumes about writing, editing, finding my voice and navigating the choppy waters of the publishing world. Many of them are successful published authors but none of them are rich. They have all worked long, hard, lonely and frustrating hours to get where they are and now they are being robbed.

People are buying books and scanning them or uploading eBooks to third party sites and either selling them, and keeping the profits for themselves, or giving the links away for free. The author who has spent months and sometimes years writing, editing and marketing their work is not being paid for their efforts. One friend went to one link on one site yesterday and discovered that her book had been stolen 40,000 times...just from that one link. Those are the kinds of numbers that turn you from a professional writer into a volunteer.

So before you steal another song, movie or book ask yourself (or your pirate friend), would I want to work for free? Intellectual property is still property...don't steal!