Why Friending is Important

So, I have a fifteen year old. Let's just let that sink in for a moment.

I am the mother of a fifteen year old. A fifteen year old boy whose voice is deepening. A fifteen year old boy who has grown more than 8 inches in the past year. A fifteen year old boy who wears cravats and top hats, who showers regularly without argument, who uses hair products and cologne and who gets love notes from girls. Yes, that is the trauma of the situation. I can deal with the height, the sudden interest in hygiene and the voracious appetite but I can't handle the girls and the notes and the asking him out on dates.

Can't even!

But, at least I'm not alone on this one. I've been chatting with some pals who are in the same boat and a few who have paddled a little further down the river than I have. This has brought much comfort to my traumatized mother-heart but it's also brought a few head scratching moment … on both sides of the conversation, I think.

A couple of years ago I was talking with a pal whose daughter had just turned fourteen. I had heard through the middle school gossip grapevine that this girl had already dated two boys in grade 8 and was currently in a new relationship with the son of another friend. The girl's mom was lamenting this. She complained that she had told her daughter that she didn't want her to date yet but the girl just wouldn't listen. Another friend, who was coffeeing with us, just shrugged and said, "Kids will be kids. What can you do?"

Both moms agreed that there was nothing you can do when your teens want to date they will find a way to date. When I asked my friend with the dating daughter why she didn't want her fourteen year old to date yet she told me that she didn't want her daughter to get a 'reputation' … y'know (with a wink and a nod). Both moms tisked and chuckled. When we said good-bye a few minutes later, my friend grumbled about having to drive her daughter to her boyfriends house to hang out.

What?!

Okay. Really, what did I know? My oldest kid was only twelve, at the time, and had no more interest in girls than he did in wearing clean socks so, whatever. But seriously, this whole scenario seems off. Fast forward three years and now I'm the mom of a kid who is keenly aware of the female presence in his world and would love nothing more than to be the leading man in some girl's love story. But he's not. He's just friends. He's towing the company line and sticking to the rules - so far. But we have no expectation of him to do otherwise for the foreseeable future because he knows 'the why' to this standard.

I'm no parenting expert but I have learned a few things from some pals who have walked this road before me. One of my favourite parenting mentors told me that whatever rules or standards we set we better be able to explain The Why behind them if we wanted them to stick. Because we wanted our guidelines to stick we became very intentional about the the boundaries we set and why we set them - especially when it came to dating.

Our kids are not allowed to date. We won't even discuss the possibility of dating until they are at least sixteen. Here's The Why …

1. Teenage Brains are Only Half Baked. Teens go through tremendous change and growth during these key years - including their brains. Their ability to reason, problem solve and assess situations is an 'Under Construction' zone. For this reason alone we think it's a bad idea for people under construction to have that much access and influence on each other - never mind adding in the unpredictability of hormones and emotions.

2. Boys and Girls are Different. Duh, right? But seriously, until my kids understand how boys and girls are different, how they relate to each other in different ways, how their expectations in relationships are different they shouldn't take on the emotional responsibility of caring for another human being. In our home we talk about governing our emotions responsibly, communicating with respect and having realistic expectations on people. We talk about the difference in how men communicate and how women receive information and visa versa. We're different and until that is understood and respected it is better for everyone that we learn friendship first.

3. You Can't Take Back What's Already Been Given. And I'm not just talking sex, here. We talk to our kids a lot about WHO they are becoming - who they want to be, what kind of character they want to develop, what dreams they have for their future. We want them to have a strong sense of themselves before they enter a relationship. We want them to know who they are and what they stand for so the temptation to give important pieces of themselves away won't be so intense. We want them to be teens, to have friends and to share experiences with their peers. We want them to love deeply. To love people enough to respect them and treasure them as friends without looking for some kind of romantic attachment. We want them to value solid friendship above infatuation.

Our kids all understand this and they've seen how this works long term. There are several people in my life that I love deeply - and have loved for most of my life. At one point or another I may have had a crush on a couple of these guys but I came to love their friendship more than I desired a romantic attachment. And because of that these dudes have loved me and been part of my life for more than 25 years. These guys have all become friends with Mr. Awesome and are part of our extended heart family. My kids see true love in action through our friendships with these very special guys. And that's what I want for them.

I want my kids to have the people who they love the most in their lives for their whole lives. I want them to learn that friendship is the foundation to all lasting relationships. I want them to know the security of self-respect and dignity . I want them to be free to love with abandon because they know their heart is safe and in tact. I want them to Friend. I want them to Friend in groups and one to one. I want them to Friend deeply so that they learn to care about the whole of the other person and not just the pieces that serve them. I want them to Friend so they know safe, true love when they find it. I want them to be a good Friend as much as I want them to have a good Friend.

I'm not saying this is the only way to tackle the teen years but this is the way that makes sense to us - and so far it's working. Dude has had a few tough but respectful conversations with the girls who have asked him out and for the most part the girls are respecting his Friend requests. Some of them thought it was a brush off at first but as the weeks have passed Dude has continued to talk with them, laugh with them and learn about them. He is realizing how great it is to not feel the pressure to date yet have the option to have some pretty great people in his life.

And that's it. That's the why of Friending.

Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.

Elie Wiesel

In Their Natural Habitat

"I think we can! I think we can! I think we can!"

This has been our mantra for the past couple of weeks. We are in the slow climb to the last day of school (9 days, but who's counting?). We've been in survival mode. Git 'er done, eye on the prize, push through the pain mentality. But as we've slogged through portfolios, crammed for tests and scrambled to finish up projects we also enjoyed a few rare moments of fun and organized chaos in the form of field trips.

Mr. Awesome and I both have been able to attend a couple of field trips during the last few week and while we had moments of terror (like when I was the only adult sitting at the back of the school bus for a two hour ride) for the most part our trip pin' days were fun and educational. Sure, we learned more about our local government, fossil discovery in our province and just how many windows to open on a school bus to combat preteen musk without creating a hurricane force wind tunnel as you drive down the highway but mostly we learned about our kids and how they interact with their world. And some of the findings surprised us.

They aren't extroverts. They aren't exactly introverts either but seriously, I was a little surprised to see that all three of The Wee Ones were more reserved than I expected. Crafty is always more cautious and watchful in new situations but I was genuinely shocked to see that Mischief reacted exactly the same way as his sister. He is usually our go-getter but field trip day, parent day and track day all saw my Wee Wild Child hang back a bit and let others take the lead. He still had fun and was part of the group but he was no longer the kid out front - and that's okay.

They're okay with flying solo. All three Wee Ones have some really great friends but all three of them are fine with doing their own thing alone if no one else wants to join them. Sometimes, their are disappointed that their friends aren't with them but that doesn't stop them from participating in something they are really interested in even if no one else is. I also noticed that all three of them crave alone time even when they are in a crowd. They eventually rejoin the group but they each seemed to need a time out during the busyness of the day.

They ask great questions. This wasn't a big shocker for me when it came to observing Dude. His mind is always going and he's always asking questions - and I'm usually not smart enough to answer most of the questions he asks. I was more surprised by Crafty and Mischief. They are smart cookies, too, so I wasn't surprised that they had thoughts. What surprised me was Crafty's boldness to ask questions to strangers in a group setting and the depth of though Mischief put into his questions. It seems that although Mischief is in constant motion he is, in fact, taking in most of what he hears and Crafty has figured out how to let her curiosity win over her anxiety.

They are growing at warp speed. I often think of home as their natural habitat but that's not really the case. These Wee Ones spend most of their wakeful hours out in the world, with teachers and peers. Most of their learning and maturing happens out of sight from us and this is so evident when we have the opportunity to observe them in their natural habitat. They are not little anymore. They don't need us to navigate the world, step by step, for them. They are figuring things out pretty well on their own. They are stronger, smarter, more thoughtful, more courageous than I give them credit for. They are not babies - they are Wee People who have carved out their own place in their world. It's really remarkable to witness. And it's happening so fast!

They still want us. Whether it was a wink across the room, a seat saved on the bus or a wee sticky hand slipping into mine, my kids all let us know that they still want us around. While some of the other kids didn't want to be in their parents' group, didn't want to sit with them on the bus or didn't want them taking pictures of them together at the events all three of my kids loved every minute of having us present. They were happy to walk with us during the tours and looked forward to us joining them and their friends for lunch. They wanted to stand next to us, hold our hands and give us hugs throughout the day. They may not need us but they want us - and that makes my heart sing!

This school year has flown but and our kids have grown by leaps and bounds. I'm proud of them for persevering, for being brave and for being teachable. I'm in awe of the people they are becoming. As I watch them grow from year to year, and learn a little more about them, its as though I am slowly unwrapping a precious, and much anticipated, gift. Maybe because I am. As much as I'd like to tear of the wrappings and see the fullness of this precious gift, I also want to savour this time. Savour the anticipation, the discovery, the quiet moments of becoming. Time rushes on fast enough on its own and though I can do nothing to stop it, I can be purposeful in enjoying each second that passes. I can soak in the newness of each day. I can peacefully observe these Wee Ones as they move through the world and make it their own.

And I can be grateful
.

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.” 
― Anne Frank

The Gatekeeper

… otherwise known as 'The Mom'. That's me. As a mom, and particularly a mom of kids on The Autism Spectrum, I'm often asked what advice or tips I might have for other parents of ASD kids. I'm reluctant to give advice because each family, each kid is so unique that I know the things that have worked for me might not necessarily work for others. The only really helpful 'advice' I can give boils down to two mindsets that I've adopted in recent years and they've served me well.

1. I have a kid, not a diagnosis.
   
Whenever a situation arises with one of our kids the first thing I remind myself is that I have a normal 12 year old or 14 year old kid who happens to have ASD. Not every challenge, conflict or outburst is because of Autism. Sometimes kids wig out, have disagreements with friends or think school bites. That's just the way it is. So, when my kid comes to me with an issue I don't automatically jump to Autism as the culprit. My kids are more than Autism therefore their life has to be about more than their diagnosis.

As we work through the challenge together, sometimes it becomes evident that the struggle stems from their ASD perspective and that's fine. We address it and move on. And sometimes it has nothing to do with ASD and that's fine. We address still just address the issue and move on. Either way, my kids need to learn how to function and thrive in a nuero-typical world. They need to learn how to manage conflict and problem solve. They need to learn to respect themselves for who they are and to not use Autism as an excuse.

As long as we're talking about excuses … we have a saying in This Random House; Autism is not an excuse for disobedience, disrespect or bad behaviour. It's just not. There is no reason why children, with or without, any type of diagnosis can't be taught to be respectful and polite. It's harder to do with some children than with others but all can be taught. I have seen non-verbal low functioning kids learn how to use manners and indicate their needs calmly because their caregivers have taught the child, not succumbed to the diagnosis.

2. I am the Gatekeeper to their world.

When Dude was little he was an absolute sponge, and to a certain extent he still is. He was constantly studying the world around him, desperate to make sense of it. It was kind of like living with that robot from Short Circuit, "I need more input!" He took in everything he saw, good or bad, and applied it to his own social situations.

At first it was cute but soon we began to realize how sarcasm, 'slams', quasi-swears, verbal jabs/burns, mockery, mimicking and disrespectful tones and facial expressions were turning our boy into a brat. Some of these things he was absorbing through school and neighbourhood contacts but most of it he was observing in our own home, on our own TV.

We'd always thought we were careful about the shows and movies we allowed our kids to watch. We kept things rated G and Disney-esque but when we started really paying attention to what they were taking in we realized how wide we'd left the gate open and how rampant the wolves were in our sheep pen.

Many of the shows our kids watched, though marketed to kids their age, had characters who were wee smart alecs with stupid parents. The themes of most of the shows revolved around dating, greed and bickering. And in between shows the kids were blasted with commercials that quickly convinced them that they needed more toys, more food, more clothes, more EVERYTHING!

We tried limiting their TV time and the shows they were allowed to watch but we had a hard time policing them as they adjusted to the new rules. We also spent far more time than we wanted in negotiations and discussions of the 'why' and 'how long' of these new rules. So eventually we just gave up. No more negations, no more bickering and no more cable.

We cancelled our cable package and disconnected the internet from their computer. We removed all movies from the family room with the exception of Veggie Tales, everything else they had to ask us for. We also disconnected the Wii. We did a full stop on all screens for a few weeks and then we gradually reintroduced appropriate movies and limited gaming time with limited game options.

We aren't religious nuts and we don't think the world is full of evil influences. We do, however, think that we are responsible for what and how our kids learn. This is a weighty responsibility that we can't just shrug off on Family Channel. We need to be intentional with the influences we let into their lives. Even with us being as intentional and careful as we are, we are still constantly fighting against cultural norms and teen attitudes.

And being a Gatekeeper isn't just about stopping things from coming in but it's about inviting the right things in, it's about creating opportunity for learning. We explore, google, read, research and plan our vacations around learning something new. And we talk. We talk a lot in this house.

Everyday we have conversations about who we want to be and what we want to do. We talk about the impact we have on those around us and whether or not we are on track to becoming the people we want to be. And, before you ask, yes it's exhausting and no, I don't always feel like talking, explaining, reasoning and teaching.

 But I am the Gatekeeper and it's my job.

Whether you have a nuero-typical kid or a kid with extra needs, two things are true for all of us; Our children are sacred gifts and we are their first and best teachers. And with that I'll remind you of the best piece of advice I've ever received. My very wise and lovely friend Becky once told me that I don't need to be an extraordinary mom to raise extraordinary kids. I just needed to be a good mom.

Be good to your kids. Be good to yourself.

“When you want to teach children to think, you begin by treating them seriously when they are little, giving them responsibilities, talking to them candidly, providing privacy and solitude for them, and making them readers and thinkers of significant thoughts from the beginning. That’s if you want to teach them to think.” 
― Bertrand Russell

What to Expect ...

I have a few friends who have recently become mothers. They were so cute during their pregnancy with their little pregnant bellies and their trendy maternity clothes. They oohed and aahed over their chic diaper bags that coordinate with their ergonomically correct strollers which are a perfect compliment to their swanky infant sling that has some kind of unpronounacable european name. They went to prenatal classes, pre-joined mommy groups, studied infant massage and read up on what to expect once they had baby in hand. Boy, did they read!

They bought books, read blogs, googled and googled some more. They became experts on what to expect but, seriously, they had no idea what they were in for! Even now, months later, with countless sleepless nights, innumerable puke stains on their strollers and a funky smell inexplicably coming from their once beautiful diaper bag, they still have no concept of what this motherhood journey is really all about. And those of us with tweens and teens laugh at them. And those with older teens and young adults laugh at us.

As I look back over my nearly 14 years of motherhood, one thing has become glaringly obvious; those first few years, the years I had studied for, planned for and read up on, those years were the easiest years of this journey ... the easiest by far. I am, by no means, discounting the adjustment, the stress and the feeling of utter inadequacy that new motherhood brings. I remember well struggling through colicky nights and unexplained fevers and rashes. And I also remember the moment by moment decision to just keep moving forward even though post partum depression was calling me to a dark, isolated place. I remember. I remember.

But what I've come to realize is that there were aspects of those days that were so easy. It was easy to create a bubble in my home. It was easy to pretend the world outside of our four, finger printed walls didn't exist. It was easy to be the gatekeeper of who and what affected our lives. Caillou was annoying so we didn't watch it, Raffi's songs gave me a headache so we didn't listen to them. Veggie Tales made us laugh so we sang those songs. Colouring was fun but play-doh was messy so we spent hours colouring and the giant box of play-doh collected dust on the shelf. Nothing existed in our world that we did not allow in.

Then came Kindergarten and everything changed. Our Wee People began to mix with other Wee People. And they learned from each other. Most of it good but some of it not so good. And that exchange of information went both ways. Fast forward a few years and you'll find me longing for simpler days.

Sure, I'm still dealing with funky smells but this time they are coming from my teen age son's room and not the diaper bag. But more than that, we're dealing with influences that can't be easily shut off or turned down. Our everyday life is filled with the unexpected, and mostly unwanted, drama that occurs when you pile 500 hormonal, impulsive teens and tweens into a building for seven hours a day, five days a week and expect them to learn.

So, to my pals with infants and toddlers, I'm going to pass along some wisdom that a few of my friends who are further along in their motherhood journey passed along to me ...

What to Expect After You've Expected

~Develop a good poker face.
     Your kids will say shocking things, do shocking things and ask shocking questions and like the old commercial says, "never let them see you sweat." Whether your kid is saying and doing to shock you or they are coming to you, looking for answers, with genuine curiosity don't let your shock/horror/confusion/panic show. Keep your wits about you and at least appear to be stoic. Keeping your emotions in check will keep the door open to future conversations. If you don't wig out, your kid is more likely to come to you first when they need advice, information or a soft place to land.

~Be honest.
    If you don't know the answer, it's okay to say you don't know. If your feelings are hurt, it's okay to tell your kid. If you're having a tough day, it's okay to let them know. Your kids don't need all the details to your life's struggles but they do need to know that disappointments, hurts and ...well, life ... happens to us all. They need to see that you can come back from a rough day, that you can be appropriate in your anger, that you can grieve, forgive and make mistakes without it being fatal.

~Being good is good enough.
     One of the best, and most freeing, things ever told to me was that I didn't need to be an exceptional mom to raise exceptional kids, I just needed to be a good mom. As moms, we can easily stress ourselves out, trying to keep up with what we perceive other moms are doing. All you need is five minutes on pinterest to convince yourself that you are an inadequate parent because you don't make baby food from scratch, you aren't 'going paleo' and you bought valentines instead of hand making them. We set unreasonable expectations for ourselves and then flog ourselves when we don't meet them. Your kids don't need the world's best mom, they just need you ... you are good enough.

~Be intentional
     If you want your kid to know something, you are actually going to have to teach them ... repeatedly. When your Wee Babe was first learning how to walk you didn't talk to them about it once, help them to stand once and then expect them to know what they were doing from that point on. You let them see you walking. You held their hand as they walked. You caught them when they stumbled and you helped them to stand again. You walked along side them. You called them to come to you. And you celebrated when they finally could walk on their own. You understood that it was a process. You understood that in order to teach your baby to walk you were going to have to model, practice, coach and be intentional with them. That process never stops. Anything that's really important, anything that is worth teaching your kids, is going to be a process. You are going to have to be purposeful when you teach them to persevere, to be selfless, to be brave, to be authentic, to be kind. You are going to have to walk them through with baby steps. You are going to have to be patient. You are going to have to be intentional.

I'm sure there's more to this sequel of What to expect but these are the chapters I'm stuck on. These are the ones I have to read over and over again before they truly sink in. These are the ones I study so that I can make it through this phase of motherhood. These are the lessons my children are teaching me. And, as hard as they are to learn, I thank my kids for having the patience to teach them to me.

There's no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.
~Vic, What to Expect When You're Expecting

Healing

If there is one thing I should be an expert in but really know nothing about it's healing. A little over two years ago my body was torn apart in ways I would have never imagined possible and yet today I am whole. Cancer had infiltrated my body and the first step to health was cutting me open and removing the tumour. The cutting took about four hours. The healing took much longer.

In the days after my surgery I wondered how I would ever be whole again. I wondered if I would ever be able to laugh and play and run (okay, who are we kidding? I've never run ... not ever ... and I doubt I'll ever run. Not even if I'm chased by an axe murderer!) again. I couldn't see how I'd be able to move through my life like I did before. I thought I was too hurt, that I'd be too scarred, to every fully live again. I settled in my mind that things would never be the same and I'd have to adjust to and accept a new normal.

I was so right and so wrong all at the same time.

I did heal. Little by little, day by day, my wound closed. Stitches and staples were removed. Scabs came and went. It was painful, then itchy, then irritating for a while. The wound went from angry red to a light pink and healed into a fine pale line. When I touch the scar I can feel that it's there and sometimes when I move a certain way I can feel the tightness and pulling of the healed tissue but for the most part I am healed. So much so that I rarely think about the surgery and the pain any more.

So if I have experienced such a profound healing then how can I know nothing about it?

Healing is a mystery. It happens in secret and by measures. It happens slowly when you focus on it and rapidly when you don't. Healing takes time - longer if you constantly pick at the scab and poke at the wound. Healing is most successful when the wound is cared for and then left to mend on its own.

If I know this about my body then why did it take me so long to apply this to my heart?

A little over one year ago, an adult in our world betrayed our trust and manipulated one of our children.  He used his influence to undermine and confuse our child. He inserted himself into our lives and twisted our values and contradicted our instruction to our child. When we confronted him and informed him that we no longer wanted him to have contact with our child he reacted in a way we never would have expected, causing further damage to our child and our family.

We were all devastated. We were shaken to the core. We were damaged. We were wounded.

At the time that this all came to a head I thought there was no way back from this. I thought this man had forever changed our family dynamic. I thought he had ruined who we were trying to be, as a family. I was overwhelmed, depressed and heart broken. I thought I was going to feel that way forever.

We sought help from councillors, pastors, doctors and legal professionals. We patched ourselves up and tried to move on but it felt like someone was always poking at the wound. We couldn't get away from this man - by product of living in a small community - so just seeing him would set me, Mr. Awesome or our affected child off. Running into this man on the street or in the school or in the community would send us into a tailspin. Us ... me.

Mr. Awesome and even the Affected Child seemed to heal faster. They were able to leave the bandage in place, to let the mending begin. Me? No so much. I struggled with rage, hurt and disappointment for months. I wanted justice. I wanted ... I wanted ... ack ... I don't know what I wanted but I wanted it so bad that I was consumed by it.

Gradually I realized that I had to live. I had to re-engage with my world and not return to the moment of hurt every time I saw this man. So I did. I lived. I became good at masking my homicidal rage whenever I saw him or had to talk about what happened. I sounded reasonable, for the most part but I knew I had not healed. I knew that I had let the wound become infected with hate.

About a month ago, another parent who had had a similar experience with this same man spoke to me about how devastated she was still, how she was still so angry and hurt. As I stood there talking with her, trying to offer words of comfort I realized that I was in exactly the same place she was. The words I was saying to her were exactly the words I needed to apply to my own wound.

Over the next few days I thought about that conversation, I thought about my own feelings of anger and hate. I cried. I prayed. I waited in silence. I offered all my hate and brokenness and disappointed to God. And He took it.  In essence, I removed the rotten bandage from the wound and allowed it to be cleaned and properly mended. I stopped picking at the scar.

I'm not 'over' what happened to our family but I am allowing healing to happen. I still don't like or trust this man but I have stopped revisiting me hurt every time I encounter him. My scar is scabbing over. Soon it will be just a faded line in our memory where a little tightness and discomfort exists but it won't hurt anymore.

It won't hurt. It will be healed.

God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces.
~Author Unknown

Present. Talking. Expecting.

Mr. Awesome and I have been attending a parenting course for the last couple of weeks. Its geared toward parents of adolescents and the material covered is mostly about how to help them navigate the sexual minefield of our culture. In one of the sessions the speaker talks a lot about the need our kids have to identify and bond with each parent, especially at this time in their life. He talks about the intentional positioning parents must do to hold a their place in their child's life, the do anything, move any mountain mentally that parents should have when it comes to their tweens and teens.

I've heard other speakers talk about how just when our kids need them the most we tend to back away; your five year old isn't going to give in to peer pressure and participate in under age drinking but your fifteen year old might. Your toddler won't be pressured into a sexual relationship they aren't ready for but your teen might be. Your infant won't shove you out of their life with both hands but your adolescent might.

So how do we stop this?

I'm not sure that there's a one size fits all, sure fire way to keep our kids safe but I do believe that being present, talking and expecting more from them is a start. Being physically, mentally and emotionally present is vital. Like many other women in my stage of life, I've thought about going back to work full time. The kids are all in school full days, can stay at school for lunch and let's face it, the extra cash would be nice but I can't do it. I need to be here. I need to be present to celebrate awesome days at school and walk through the rough patches with pals.

Being physically present isn't enough, though.

I need to set aside my phone, close the laptop, put down the book and hear, feel, experience my kids' world. I need to be aware, engage and know what's going on. I find it can be much harder to be present mentally than physically. Responsibilities, lists, menus, chores and errands crowd my mind and try to steal my focus. I have to discipline myself to really see and hear the kids some days.

Talking. I love to talk, chat, gab, fellowship, catch up, fill in, story tell and hang out. But talking kidspeak is a different thing entirely. I'm good talking about friends, school and projects. I'm less good with Lego, stunt planning, hypothetical battles between Gandolf and Dumbldore and what colour shoes go with what dress for the Barbie Gala of the Century but those are some of the things that matter the most to my kids right now. I need to enter their world, understand what's important to them. I need to talk about the mundane and the ridiculous so that when they want to talk about the important, life-stuff, of dating, peer pressure, relationships and teen life, they know that I am hear, still caring, still listening.

I also need to expect the best from them. I need them to know that I believe n them, that they will make wise choices, walk in kindness and compassion and live with integrity. I need to set the bar high and be willing to give them a boost when they need it. I need them to know that I believe they are capable of greatness and that mistakes aren't fatal. I need them to know that they are spectacular, magnificent and wonderful.

Present. Talking. Expecting.

It was with all this filling my mind and flooding my heart that I dropped the kids off at school yesterday. We had hit a rough patch with Crafty over the previous couple of days, she was all prickles and tears, and I wasn't sure of just where we stood. So when I parked the car and got out to help Dude unload his tuba (yes, my kid plays the tuba now and that's a post for a whole other day!) I wasn't sure just how the good bye was going to unfold.

Dude gave me a quick side hug, told me that he loves me (sigh!) and wished me a good day before he disappeared into the throng of grade seven kids flooding into the building. I turned to Crafty, said good bye and wished her an awesome day and she just stood there. I wanted to hug her but her friends were gathering and frankly, she was giving me some serious stink eye ... not the most welcoming feeling ... so I just looked at her and she looked at me. I took a step towards her and she just kept looking.

I felt awkward and stupid and completely exposed. I wanted to hug the kid but I was afraid that she was going to reject my affections, I was afraid of being embarrassed. Then I realized what a moron I was being. This is my one daughter, in this one moment in the only life I'll ever have. It's these moments that I need to be present for, that I can't be afraid of, that I need to show up for.

So, I took a deep breath, said a quick prayer and pulled her to me in a big bear hug. I mumbled something about hoping that its not too uncool to hug your mom in front of your friends.

"I don't care if its not cool. I need you to hug me. Always!"

Wow!

I guess I said good bye and I guess she joined her friends and entered the school. I guess I drove away. I guess because all I remember is being so thankful that I took the chance in that moment to be present, so thankful that my kid opened her heart to me and told me how much she needs me. I was awkward and stupid and completely exposed but not for the reasons I first thought.

I was awkward because I put the judgement of her peers above what Crafty needed of me, I was stupid because I let my self doubt cause me to downplay the importance of my presence in her life and I was completely exposed by my own insecurity and pride. Lord willing, never again. Never again will I quash my natural parenting instinct because it feels awkward and silly. Never again will I leave my daughter questioning whether I love her enough to look past the prickles and embrace the soft hearted girl who will need her mom always.

I am one lucky gal to have this life, these kids and I can't afford to ever overlook the blessings, honour and privilege it is to be called mom.

Present. Talking. Expecting.

More.

From Me.

Too.

Even as kids reach adolescence, they need more than ever for us to watch over them. Adolescence is not about letting go. It's about hanging on during a very bumpy ride. 
~Ron Taffel

Things that make you go ???

Dear Children,

In the 12 years that I have been a mother there have been many moments that have left me awestruck, overwhelmed and weeping at the wonder of you. I have laughed til I cried on countless occasions and I have also wept in sadness from time to time. There have also been times that have left me questioning my sanity, YOUR sanity and the basic order of life ... this week has been one of those weeks.

This week, moment by moment, I have wondered how your little, still developing brains works. I have marvelled at what the thought process must be inside that tiny melon to bring you to the incomprehensible decisions you make.

Why, why, why did you think wearing your jacket while it was still on the hanger, hanging in your closet, was a good idea?

Why, why, why did you think a bungee jump from the stair to the couch using a skipping rope would be successful?

Why, why, why did a jam and lettuce sandwich sound appealing?

Why, why, why did you think the dog needed to try on your brother's jacket?

Why, why, why did you think my Sacred Chair would be a good launching pad for you stunts? And didn't you notice the proximity of the coffee table to said Sacred Chair?

Why, why, why did you feel compelled to created a tsunami in the bathtub that soaked half the bathroom?

Why, why, why did you have to recreate the battle of Mordor with Lego in the family room and why for the love of all that is good and holy could you not clean up the carnage before I made a barefoot discovery of the battle scene?

Why, why, why did you think setting off your fizzy popper in the kitchen was a good idea?

And finally ....

Why, why, why do you look and me with those twinkly eyes and funny little smiles that make me forget the mayhem and hug you and love you to bits instead?

Your forever and always,

Mom

Did you know that childhood is the only time in our lives when insanity is not only permitted to us, but expected?
~Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli's Mandolin

The One Who Gets Its

A few weeks ago I was invited to an very special event; the assembly hosted by Mischief's grade two class. Each grade takes a turn hosting an assembly during the school year and May was Mischief's month. He was so excited he could barely function the morning of the big day; he couldn't wait to share with us the special songs and poems his class had prepared. I wouldn't have missed it for the world ... not even for a chemo treatment.

Turns our the big assembly was the afternoon of a treatment. Bad timing. And to make matters worse my treatment was delayed by about an hour, making the possibility of attending the assembly very dicey.

I tried to explain my predicament to the doctor but he didn't really get it. He just kept telling me that my son would understand and my health has to come first. In theory that made sense but in reality I knew that two little blue eyes would be scanning the crowd and two little shoulders would slump when he realised we weren't there. So I tried to get through to the nurses.

Bingo!

The nurse, a mom, totally 'got it' and she hustled to get the meds in and let me skip out on the last ten minutes of my hydration so I could zip to the school in time. I was able to sneak into the gym just as my little Mischief took to the stage and just as I thought his baby Blues scanned the crowd, looking for us. At first he didn't see us and he slumped a little until his pal spotted us near the back of the crowd and pointed us out to Mischief. Instantly he jumped up, waved and winked. And that made my hurried, desperate day worth it.

As the assembly progressed, Mischief sang, recited poems and danced until his pants were saggy, all the while beaming at us from the second riser. I wouldn't have missed this for the world!

As we filed out of the gym after the program was over, many of my friends who knew it was a treatment day couldn't believe that I was there. I got a ton of comments about how I should be at home and how my kids would understand and forgive me and how there will always be another assembly to attend. After hearing about half a dozen comments like that, I ducked out to the van, a little dejected. How could no one get why I was there?!

A few minutes later, Mischief and Crafty came running out of the school and hopped into the van.

"Mom, I was so afraid you wouldn't be there! Thanks so much for coming! I liked seeing your face smiling at my face!" Mischief said as he gave me a huge hug and a sloppy kiss.

Well, okay ... someone got why I was there!

Here's the last song that Mischief and his pals sang at the assembly ... it lifted my spirits, made me laugh and reminded me to believe in myself, be true to myself and to celebrate the things that make me me, even if no one seems to 'get it' ... hope it does the same for you!

If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise. ~Johann von Goethe

A Regular Kid?

I often joke about the need to teach Dude everything he should know to become more independent because he's not living with me for the rest of his life but it's true ... and a little scary for me. I love seeing him grow and learn and do things for himself. I love seeing his confidence increase and his anxiety decrease yet every time he takes a new step towards independence my heart lurches in my chest and my mind is flooded with all of the what ifs.

What if it's too loud, too busy or too bright and he gets disorientated? What if he gets overwhelmed and freaks out and no one is there to help him? What if kids start joking around and he misunderstands and gets upset? What if he says something rude or condescending and offends his friends? What if the kids he's with start making fun of him? What if someone makes fun of his hair? What if someone starts playing a Justin Bieber song?  What if, what if what if?

We have survived on what if ... they are what has got us this far. My ability to see a situation and predict all possible reactions and outcomes in a split second has kept us moving forward, kept us from melt downs. Being able to see five minutes into the future, to sense the next melt down and move around that trigger is what has made outings into the world possible. It is a sixth sense that most parents of kids on The Spectrum develop and rely on much more than any of their other senses; I know I do ... er ... did.

For the past four years or more we have hoped for normalcy. We set a goal of helping Dude to become as much like other kids as possible and we have worked very hard towards that goal. Every year we see more maturity, understanding and self control on his part. We see him making friends, fitting in, initiating conversations, looking at people when they are talking and managing his emotions and recognizing emotions in others ... just like a regular kid.

So then why does my heart stop when he wants to walk to school with his pals, stay for lunch in the cafeteria and go bike riding with the neighborhood kids? Why does it scare me so much to see him inch towards independence just like a regular 11 year old kid?

Oh yeah, because he's a regular kid and I'm a regular mom and independence and worry go hand in hand sometimes. It's normal.

Be careful what you wish for!

You'll always be different but you don't have to be disabled. You can emerge from disability.
~John Elder Robison

Notes on Potty Training Boys

I spent some time recently with a friend of mine who is in the midst of potty training her son. Although I am well past those hectic days of potty runs and near misses I can clearly remember the stress and frustration that went along with those potty training days. Changing diapers wasn't my favourite thing to do but it wasn't the worst either. The worst was continually being on high alert in case of a potty emergency. The worst was scouting out bathrooms everywhere we went, asking 'do you need the potty?' every five minutes and doing a mad dash across church, malls and parks while carrying your crying, peeing toddler as onlookers gawk and try to avoid the stream of urine you leave streaming behind you.

That was the worst.

Each of my kids learned the potty thing in their own time and in their own way but I have to say that potty training a boy is a different thing all together than training a girl. I don't think one gender is easier than the other, just different. Here are a few notes for those of you about to or in the midst of potty training your boy. These are lessons I've learned the hard way ... I hope you'll have an easier 'go' of things!

1.   The Gravity of the Situation - One morning I met my friends at Tim Horton's for a coffee before we took our kids over to the library for story time. As my pal was in line, placing her order, her little guy, Robbie started doing the pee pee dance. I offered to take the newly potty trained, three year old Robbie to the bathroom. Once we were in the stall he told me that he was a 'sitter' so I helped him up onto the toilet and asked him if he was good to go, he gave me the thumbs up and let it loose.

What happened next was something I had never experienced before in all my years of babysitting, nannying and motherhood. Robbie turned into Old Faithful. A golden stream of urine was jetting out from between his legs and splattering all over me and him and the bathroom stall. Not knowing what to do, I picked the still peeing Robbie up, flipped him over and pointed his rogue stream toward the toilet.

LESSON LEARNED ... What goes up must come down and gravity can only get you so far when you are dealing with boy parts. Point the pee-pee down before you let it fly!


2.   The Standing vs. Sitting Debate - By the time Dude was three and a half he could construct impressive Lego buildings, identify more than a dozen different types of dinosaurs and knew every line from every Veggie Tales video made at the time. He was smart, there was no disputing that, but the boy could not figure out that whole potty thing.

I had a friend who had four sons and she trained them all to sit when they peed, she said it was easier and there was far less mess. So, trusting her experience and wishing to avoid the dreaded pee-pee mess, I attempted to train Dude the same way. No dice. He hated sitting on the potty, he thought the splash cone was going to cut his penis and he didn't like the feel of the seat. Once we did finally fight/bribe him to sit down on the potty he had no idea what he was expected to do there.

One day Mr. Awesome said that enough was enough and he took the kid into the bathroom with him and shut the door, it was a 'No Mommy Zone.' I busied myself in the kitchen while the boys did their thing. After a couple of minutes I heard Little Dude exclaim, "That's what I do?!" A 'stander' was created and the rest is history.

LESSON LEARNED ... Seeing is better than telling and Lysol wipes are invaluable when you have a three year old 'stander'.


3.   The Perils of Number 2 - The problem with teaching your boy to be a 'stander' is that not all things can be done standing. About two months after Dude mastered the art of peeing we went on vacation. At this point he was still letting us know when he had to Go 2 so we could help him but one morning, while staying at my cousin's house, he decided he could do it himself. Mr. Awesome and I were laying on the bed with the bathroom door open so we could help him if he needed it but we soon got distracted with Baby Crafty. It wasn't until I happened to glance over to see if Dude was done yet that I realised we had a problem. While Dude was standing to pee he had made a little 2 Pile. That was a one time event, an accident, but with Mischief it was a whole different ball game!

Mischief would not Go 2 on the potty. He has always been a PJ boy, and his M.O. for dealing with The 2 was to hide in closets or behind furniture to do his thing and then tell us he went 'somewhere'. We would then have to call a 'Poop Hunt' and everyone would search all of his favourite spots until someone found the deposit so it could be cleaned up. This phase lasted for a couple of months until we 'consequenced' it out of him (he had to get dressed with underwear and button up pants everyday until this Go 2 on the Go stopped ... a fate worse than death for The PJ Kid!).

LESSON LEARNED ... Sitting has its perks and  Lysol wipes are invaluable when you have a three year old Poop Runner.


4.   The Attention Deficit Dilemma - The best thing about potty training Mischief is that once we got the Go 2 under control, life was a breeze. Right from the start this kid has had amazing bladder capacity. We could spend an afternoon running errands without having to stop for a bathroom break once! Its actually quite impressive. The problem came when we got home and he finally 'went'. His bladder capacity was greater than his ability to stay focused resulting in frequent incidents of spillage.

We tried everything! Cheerios in the toilet, pictures on the wall, more frequent potty stops ... nothing worked. The boy had the Austin Powers Pee Gene and the attention span of a goldfish and there was nothing we could do about it. We would walk by the bathroom in the morning and see the kid leaning against the wall, peeing while looking more bored than you could imagine. We would hear him occasionally exclaim, 'Why is this taking so long?!' but there's nothing we could do until we tapped into his competitive side.

We had him start counting how long each pee took and asking him if he had broken his last record yet. That way he was practising his counting and staying focused on the task at hand, so to speak.

LESSON LEARNED ...  Boys will compete for any title and  Lysol wipes are invaluable when you have a three year old Pee Champion.

5.   We Don't Do That Here! - The one perk to potty training that the boys picked up on right away was the freedom to Go anywhere, anytime. Almost. In those early Diaper Free days, (Who are we kidding? We still have these conversations from time to time!) we had to have frequent chats about the appropriateness of where and when. A tree in Auntie Char's country yard is okay, the display toilets in Home Depot are not okay. A mile road during a five hour drive is okay, Pier One parking lot on a pre-Christmas Saturday afternoon is not okay. A ditch on the way to the lake is okay, the garden in front of the school is not okay.

We also had to have a talk about how many streams can reasonably flow into the same toilet at the same time. Before Mischief started school my friends and I would meet at each other's houses for coffee after we dropped the older kids off at school on Friday mornings. The moms would sit around and chat over coffee and the kids (mostly boys) would super hero their way around the house for a couple of hours.

At one such coffee morning we noticed that the house was unnaturally quiet. My friend went to investigate what the boys were up to. Turns out they were attempting a group pee session. She broke up the pee party and told the boys they'd have to take turns. In case you're wondering an average toilet can handle three pee streams fine, four is inviting a mess!

LESSON LEARNED ...  Lysol wipes are invaluable when you have a three year old boy ... PERIOD!


The way i figure it, peer pressure will get to them in Junior High and then they'll use the toilet. Until then I'm not going to worry about it too much.
~Some Random Mother

And There it Was ... Gone

Summer, that is.

Just two short months ago I was staring into the abyss of summer vacation and now its over. I have been annoying the kids for days now with my humming, dancing and general giddiness over the start of the new school year. They are sick of their new school supplies, indoor shoes and first day of school outfits and they haven't even used any of it yet! I can't help it ... I love this time of the year!

I have to admit that there is a bit of false bravado in all my joy, though. As happy as I am to get back into a routine and have a little more time to myself I will miss those lazy days of summer ... well, some of them at least (I will not miss the hot ones!). I loved our sleep ins, movie marathons, backyard antics and late nights around the bonfire. I will miss having my buddies around to keep me company, make me laugh and make me stop and enjoy life a little more. I know I'll be a little lonely but it'll be a good kind of lonely.

 As of this afternoon all of the kids have been to school, met their teachers and dropped off their school supplies. Each one approached these transition days with a very different attitude from the others. Mischief was excited to be with all his pals again. His whole class is moving to grade two together, same teacher, same friends, new classroom; all the good and none of the bad, as he said this morning.

Crafty was a little more cautious. She has a new teacher and only a couple of her pals from last year are in her class this year. I expected her to be a little pessimistic when I picked her up at the end of her day but she wasn't. She was excited about her teacher and for some of the new things that will be happening this year.

Dude was less than thrilled about the end of summer and the beginning of the school year. He declared that his transition meeting was "so not worth putting proper pants on for" and grumbled about how he didn't get to do anything fun this summer. Don't get the wrong idea, the kid really likes his teacher, is looking forward to seeing his pals and doesn't mind the idea of learning ... he just wishes he could do all of that from the comfort of his bedroom or better yet, poolside.

Whatever their feelings about the school year are right now I know this for sure, they are all growing and changing so fast. I marvel at the people they are becoming and I celebrate the confidence and independence they are attaining. I also celebrate the school doors closing behind them tomorrow morning at 9 am!

Labor Day is a glorious holiday because your child will be going back to school the next day. It would have been called Independence Day, but that name was already taken.
~Bill Dodds

Parental Discretion

When I was a kid I wasn't allowed to watch Smurfs or Carebears. I also wasn't allowed to watch ET, Gremlins and Goonies. We didn't have video games, pop music or gossip magazines in our house. I couldn't decorate my room with posters of TV stars or my favourite bands ... it was all animal pictures and inspirational quotes for me.

At the time I just thought my parents liked to say no all the time but now that I am a parent I get what they were trying to do. They were trying to protect my heart and mind. They were trying to keep my a child rather than allowing me to rush headlong into adolescents before my time. They were attempting to set boundaries and frame what is acceptable so that when I did become a teen I could make more right decisions for myself.

Mr. Awesome and I have spent a lot of time trying to find the right balance for our kids. We don't want to raise them in a bubble but we also want them to run wild. We have narrowed down our parameters of acceptable behaviour, talk and respect and have reigned in the outside influences accordingly. We know, that for our kids, most of the shows on a popular channel for families are not appropriate. The disrespect to adults, hyper-dating undertones and insult flinging is just more than our kids need to be exposed to right now so we encourage them to watch movies or science based shows like the ones on Discovery channel.

That's what lead to this conversation...

Gran - (hearing gunshots coming from the TV in the next room) What is Dude watching in there?

Random One - Something on Discovery (I listen for a second) sounds like Sons of Guns.

Gran -  (slightly appalled) Why is he watching that?

Random One - Because he's not allowed to watch Zac and Cody.

Gran - he's not allowed to watch ... but he's allowed to watch ... oh my, this is one for the blog!

Seriously, I know that the kids will bend the rules when we're not looking, heck, they'll even break a few along the way. I did. I watched Smurfs at a friends house, hid NKOTB tapes in my heat vent and had pictures of Tommy Puett and Wil Wheaton behind the kitten posters. The thing is, when the important moments came, the smoking, drinking, dating moments I knew what to do. I knew what I wanted to do, what my parents expected me to do, because of all of the other conversations we had had about standards and boundaries. I made the right decisions for me because I was prepared.

So, I hope all the conversations we have with the kids now about good attitudes, dating readiness and peer pressure pay off in the years to come. More than that, I hope all of these conversations set the path and open the door for tougher conversations in the future. I hope that our kids get used to talking to us about things that matter so that it will be second nature to come to mom and dad when we hit the big league issues.

I hope ...

PS - I never did watch ET, Mom ... that was your other kid! :-)

The child supplies the power but the parents have to do the steering.
~Benjamin Spock, Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care

Easy vs. Right

Being a parent isn't the hardest job on earth, being a good one is.

I remember when Dude was about 10 days old and I was completely overwhelmed. I hadn't slept for more than an hour at a time since he was born, I was leaking from every possible place on my body, I was sore from birthing Baby Budzilla (he was 10lbs 7oz and almost 24 inches long) and nursing him every two hours. I can clearly remember standing in the shower, the first one I had had in what felt like years, and bawling my head off. I was a mess!

I look back on that day often and ask myself, "What the heck are you crying for?! That was the easy part!!!"

Some days I would give almost anything to go back to when my biggest concern with the kids was how long they are going to nap for and if they had a BM that day. If I would have known then what I know now I would have cherished those exhausting but comparatively carefree days. I would have savoured the cocoon we were in, how sheltered we were from outside influences and expectations. I would have basked in the baby-bliss just a little more.

Because of the age of our kids and where we live our challenges with them are still nothing compared to what some parents face. Recently I heard from a friend that I don't see very often. She has a son that is a couple of years older than Dude and I knew that she was having some trouble with him. He's at that preteen age and had had a rough year at school and in their neighborhood. There's a lot of gang activity in her area and her son was being alternately harassed and recruited by gang members. In July things got so bad that my friend knew that if she didn't act quickly and drastically she might lose her son for good.

So she made the tough decision, the right decision. My friend packed up her son and shipped him off, halfway across the country to live with his aunt. This might seem like an extreme reaction but my friend had seen other kids she cares about go down the same path her son was on and it scared her. Even though she is plagued by doubt and loneliness she is sticking to her guns, so to speak; her son is there and she is here and that's just the way it is for now.

My friend's son is doing well, settling in to his new life with his aunt and my friend says that even though she still gets the odd call from the gang recruiters and neighborhood thugs looking for her son she feels like a weight has been lifted. She can see that this right decision has given her son a chance to live and grow and be successful. She can see him growing into a man of integrity and purpose rather than squandering his life away in jail ... or worse.

No one said being a parent is an easy job, in fact people tend to say the exact opposite. I just hope that I will always have the guts to make the right choices for my kids, even if those choices are not the easy ones to make.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
 ~Elizabeth Stone

On Modern Parenting

For the past several months I have been active on a parenting forum. I was drawn there for the strong Asperger/Autism community on that site but I have stayed around for the other conversations, on the other boards. I have had a really good time connecting with other parents over issues that are common to us all. I've realized that no matter where you live, everyone has the same challenges, worries and frustrations when it comes to parenting.


The conversations have been interesting and entertaining ... until a few days ago. Late last week I stumbled across a couple threads that nearly drove me around the bend. What I saw in thread after thread were parents who were afraid. They were afraid to upset their kids, to deny their kids something everyone else had and to put limits and expectations on their kids. They were hovering, worrying and creating panic in their lives over things that were no-brainers for our parents when we were kids.

For instance, this one mom posted this note/question about how worried she is for her child in the fall. She went on and on about how she doesn't know how she's going to manage to get him and his sister to school because they go to schools in opposite directions and she's not sure that her son will qualify for the bus. Turns out her kid is nine and the school is six blocks away. Then there's the single mom who is thinking of IVF treatments because she is worried about her daughter growing up as an only child and let's not forget about the many moms who think it is perfectly appropriate for their 10, 8 or 6 year olds to have cel phones. They say it’s a safety issue, so their kids can call from a friend's house or school anytime they feel the need to.

I know I have written/ranted about this topic before but I am still amazed and annoyed by what parents see as needs vs. wants. I hate how I sound like I'm 110 years old during these rants, but seriously, when I was a kid we played at the park, we rode our bikes and if we needed to call our parents we used the emergency quarter we kept in our pocket or asked to use the phone at the corner store. We had watches and check in times and our parents knew our friends. Most importantly we were the kids and they were the parents, they made decisions based on what was best for the whole family, not out of fear of 'upsetting' us.

I'm not sure how or why my generation went from being well rounded, active kids to being hypochondriac, obsessive, helicopter parents. When did we decide that measured independence, obedience and respect were bad for kids? When did we realize our childhood was traumatic because we were required think of others, understand our place in the world and be aware of our surroundings? When did we decide it was better to be friends with our kids than to parent them?

I'm not a perfect parent and I do not, by any stretch of the imagination, have it all figured out but the one thing I know for sure is that my kids need me. They need me to use my life experience, my big-picture view of our family, to guide and direct them. They need me to teach them boundaries, respect and independence. They need me to be the grown-up and let them be the kids. They need to hear 'no' and 'I love you' more than they need heaps of toys and gadgets. They need to know I have their best interests at heart and that I am okay if they don't like me in the moment if it means that they have learned a lesson that will stay with them for life. They need to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am fiercely in love with them, will always be there for them and that I am their parent and I take that responsibility very, very seriously.




If you have never been hated by your child you have never been a parent. ~Bette Davis

That's so Gay

Recently, while playing outside, Dude got into a confrontation with some neighborhood kids and was called ‘gay’. He came in the house and told me about the scuffle. He was upset about the taunting and physical aggression that went along with the exchange but was confused about the insult ‘gay.’ He didn't understand why the boys used that word.

I sat there for a moment, looking at my boy and realised it was time for a life lesson I wasn't sure how to approach. My mind was spinning through the complicated issues of homosexuality, sin, choice, accountability, nature verses nurture and the millions of ways this conversation could go off track. I have to tell you, I panicked for a minute.

Then, I took a deep breath, exhaled slowly and realised that only one thing really mattered, there was only one lesson he had to learn from this experience.

"What does gay mean?" I asked him

"I don't know. I think it maybe means dumb or something but that doesn't make sense."

"Why doesn't that make sense to you?"

"First, if it does mean dumb then they picked the wrong word. I'm not dumb, I'm very smart. But I don't think it means dumb because I saw one time a thing on the newspaper that said 'Gay Pride' and I don't think someone would be proud of being dumb."

"You're right, it doesn't really mean dumb. When those boys called you 'gay' that's probably what they meant but that's not really it means."

"What does it mean then?"

"The word 'gay' has had different meanings over time but right now, in our culture, 'gay' is the word that is used to describe men who love men."

"Like, love them like brothers?"

"No, Buddy. Love as in boyfriends."

"Oh."

Silence.

"Mom, is that okay with God? Y'know for men to love men like that?"

"Honestly, Dude that's a pretty big question. Some people think that being gay is a sin and that if someone is gay then they are going to go to hell and that, understandably, makes gay people really hurt and angry. There's a lot I'm not sure about but I know that to God sin is sin, there is no sin worse than any other kind of sin. I know that the Bible says that if you ask Jesus into your heart then you get to go to Heaven. And I know that God wants us to treat each other with respect and kindness. That's what I know, so that's what I try to do."

"Do you know any gay people?"

"Yes, I do. I have some family members and some friends who are gay."

"What are they like?"

"They are just like me and you. They are smart and funny and kind and loving. Sometimes they are angry and mean and say the wrong things or do the wrong things. They are just regular people."

"So is calling someone 'gay' wrong?"

"If you are trying to hurt or embarrass someone, then yes, it's wrong. Whenever you take something that is a part of a person, part of who they are and what they believe is right and good and use it to hurt them its wrong. Everyone deserves to be respected."

"Everyone deserves to be respected. Got it."


Everyone deserves to be respected, got it?

That's How I Roll ...

Some days my life seems surreal and just a little too much to handle.

You know those days, right?  The days when you're sure that this is all a dream and you'll wake up in a minute, that the 'real' parents are on the way to pick the kids up and you'll go back to your regular life of lazy Saturday mornings, late nights hanging out with friends and doing whatever you want whenever you want.  You fantasize about being cool, hip and fashionable again. No more homework, school meetings and play dates, its all trendy music, swanky restaurants and clean cars for you, in this dreamland.

But then you wake up, look around and realize that you wouldn't trade all of this for all the peaceful mornings and uninterrupted bathroom breaks in the world ... these are your peeps and this is how you roll.

Here's to Toyota and making the minivan cool! This is how I roll ...

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. ~Phyllis Diller

Kids are Like ...

Yesterday, I went on a field trip with Mischief's grade one class. We went to the zoo. Sounds simple enough, right? But when you live where we live 'a trip to the zoo' means an hour and a half ride each way. In case math isn't your strongest subject, I'll add that up for you. That is three hours on a bus with twenty something six year olds!

The ride to the zoo was filled with low key Lego playing, comic book reading and excited chatter. No big deal, really. It was nice to chat with the other parents and I hardly missed my morning coffeejuice. When we got the the zoo we were divided up into groups, each with a different animal name. There were Tigers, Toucans and Bears but I had the Monkeys ... go figure!

After a day of running around and exploring, I thought the ride home would be pretty quiet. Not even close! I'm not sure if the kids caught the 'zoo spirit' or if they were afraid to sit still because they might fall asleep, but the ride home was louder, sillier and wigglier (I know, its not a word but I think it is a condition that six year old boys frequently suffer from!) that the ride to the zoo.

While I dodged flying hats, an intergalactic Legoman battle and incessant questions like "how many plants are in that field" and "why those birds are allowed to be free but the ones in the zoo aren't," I had a revelation; Kids are just like animals. They can't help it, they just are. They are loud, unruly, cunning and gross, just like their zoo counterparts. The only real difference between a six year old boy and an average zoo animal is that no matter how much we might fantasize about it, we can't put our wee nasty, rambunctious humans in cages to contain the chaos!

Here are a few of the similarities between the zooers and the zooees ...
Kids are like kangaroos because they would rather hop than walk any day.

Kids are like flamingos because balancing on one foot is no big deal, except that it is.

Kids are like camels because they stuff their pockets (and their cheeks) with more than you think is humanly possible and inevitably stuff comes spilling out (of both!) leaving a trail of mess behind them.

Kids are like prairie dogs because they wrestle and chase each other around until they get caught. Then they scamper away and hide.

Kids are like peacocks because they scream for no reason and love to show off for their pals.

Kids are like leopards because they can seem like they are doing nothing, sitting still and behaving themselves but in truth they are scheming, waiting for the the perfect moment to pounce and create chaos.

Kids are like llamas because you never know what's going to come flying out of their mouths next.

Kids are like possums because they pride themselves on hands free stunting.

Kids are like hippos because once they get into the water its very tough to get them to come out.

Kids are like antelopes because they do gross things to impress their pals.

And finally, kids are like monkeys because they climb and jump and swing from things, pick at their sibling, squawk and yell and fight, make a mess and generally wreak havoc wherever they go but ... they are just so darn cute!

I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me. ~Mark Twain, Letters from the Earth, 1907

The Dad Life

When I met Mr. Awesome, I had no idea what kind of dad he would be. I don't think the thought even crossed my mind until I was twelve hours into a very un-fun labour with Dude. I can remember thinking in my pain riddled delirium, "I hope Mr. Awesome is going to be a good dad because I don't want anything to do with this kid when this is all over, we haven't even met yet and already I'm not very fond of him!"

Back then, before kids, Mr. Awesome was a philosophical, outdoorsy guy with long hair, wool socks and an extensive wardrobe of jeans and sweatshirts. He winter camped, hiked the backwoods and cycled around England for kicks. He was funny, thoughtful, friendly and entirely independent and I loved all those things about him.

Now, with independence and spontaneity gone the way of the dinosaurs, with nothing but kids, homework, housework, home repair and budget balancing filling our 'free time' I sometimes look at him and wonder, "What did I do to this guy?!" I can't remember the last time he hiked or broke out a pair of wool socks. His hair is gone and so are his carefree days of packing up for a weekend of solitary and serene trail wandering. I genuinely feel bad for the guy sometimes.

And just when I am feeling like I ruined him with this crazy life of kids, responsibilities and commitments he does or says something that reminds me that this, all of this, is the life he chose. He gladly traded in his backpack for a diaper bag and gave up a life of wilderness exploration for a life of pushing strollers, installing car seats and holding wee hands. He cherishes the sticky hugs, the chaos that erupts each time he walks through the door and the begging for 'just five more minutes' of playtime with him. This life of science projects, Barbie playing and Lego building, the evenings of playing ball, building snow forts and home reading, the early morning bagel runs, the late night popcorn parties and all the silly, crazy, loving moments in between ... this is the life he dreamed of, The Dad Life!

I found this video on Youtube, its from a church in Tulsa ... the Dad Life may not be glamorous but it is full of unbelievable perks! Watch, enjoy and celebrate the dads in your life this weekend!

He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~Clarence Budington Kelland

What I Wouldn't Do?

As parents we want to see our children happy, healthy and thriving in life. No one wants to make their kids unhappy, sad or disappointed. We all want our kids to fit in and have friends, we want them to feel secure and confident. We want them to have more, do more, be more than we had and did as children. There isn't anything we wouldn't do or give for our kids ... or is there?


This is something I've been thinking about for a long time, what we do for our kids which in turn shapes who they become as adults. I have to say, when I look around and see how kids are behaving (mine included) and how people are 'parenting' I get kind of worried. When I was a kid I had one set of parents but dozens of adults who cared enough about me to teach me, correct me and guide me along my way.

Now kids have multiple sets of parents with no one taking the responsibility or interest in teaching them how to grow into a proper adult. Instead of spending time talking to their kids about life, expectations and manners too many parents fill their child’s time with classes and activities.

Before you start lighting the torches and all that, I’m not saying that classes, teams and lessons are bad for kids. Many times kids need this extra stimulation to provide structure and physical activity to their week. What I am asking is if there is balance? Is there as much time spent teaching kids how to be compassionate, confident and generous people as there is driving them to practices, lessons and games?

I was talking with a mom about this topic yesterday and something she said really struck a chord with me. She said that no matter how many hockey clinics, games and practices her son goes to he probably won’t ever be an NHL superstar but she knows that if she spends as much time and effort teaching him morals and values that are important to her he will most definitely be an empathetic, responsible and generous adult.

What wouldn’t you do for your kids? Would you cancel a hockey practice because you are having a conversation about global poverty? Would you turn off the reality TV show and teach your kids about the reality of millions of children never having the opportunity to go to school? Would you put down the newspaper to hear about their news? Would you skip soccer registration for one season and use the money to take your kid shopping for a local homeless shelter? Would you shut off the sports channel during the big game to kick a ball around the yard with your kid? Would you put their need for guidance and instruction, meaningful adult interaction, ahead of your need for quiet, comfort and ‘alone time’?

Would I?



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Kids Just Wanna Have Fun

So there’s this story out there about this couple who are keeping the gender of their baby a secret. They don’t want any of their kids to feel pressured to behave a certain way, like certain toys or identify with a particular gender because of societal pressures. These folks have created quite the buzz on an international scale. I couldn’t turn on the TV or click onto my favorite online news sites yesterday without hearing about them.


My first thought was … wacky, wacky, wackiness! I marveled at all the strangeness this world holds but the more I heard about this couple and the polarizing opinions on their child rearing philosophies the more I gave serious thought to their argument.

I get the parental urge to protect your kid from outside pressures and influences but I also often see parents in a panic to make sure their child identifies with the gender they were born with, like this will somehow save them from having a cross-dressing show girl as a son or a brush cut sporting tomboy as a daughter in the future. I have to tell you, how they play and what they are interested in when they are four rarely indicates what their sexual preference or gender identity will be when they are older.

I have no hang ups with boys playing with dolls or girls playing with trucks. I don’t care if your little guy’s favorite TV show is Angelina Ballerina or if your daughter’s room is decorated with Star Wars and race cars … kids will explore and play without thought or feeling of what belongs to boys and what belongs to girls. They all, boys and girls alike, are drawn to whatever is loud, sparkly, shiny and fun.

My cousin's daughter loved trucks when she was a toddler, now as an eleven year old she could not be more girly. Mischief spent most of his preschool days in a princess dress and playing Barbies with Crafty and he is as rough and tumble as any boy I know. I have a friend whose son BMX raced, played hockey from the age of five and excelled in shop at school. When he was 21 years old he told his mom that he’s gay. What toys your kid plays with, how long they wear their hair or what clothes they want to wear will not predict or influence their future sexuality. Kids are just kids, doing what kids do. They play, explore and learn about their world. That's it, they just want to have fun.

I think it matters less what gender your kid identifies with when they are older, or what sexual preference they have, than the kind of person they turn out to be. This is just me, and my soapbox rant for the day, but seriously … gender pressure in a toddler? Let’s focus on things that really matter, let’s concentrate on raising good, kind and compassionate people, let's teach them how to be accepting, inclusive and empathetic now … all the rest will sort itself out, no matter how we fret and plan.

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. ~Stacia Tauscher