A Bit of Hoopla and Fanfare

Today is the one year anniversary of the release of my first book and it occurs to me that I've never really written about it here.

Finding Me in Him came out with very little hoopla and no fanfare. I received an email from my publisher announcing the release of my book on the day of my dad's funeral. In that moment my book, and the months of writing, editing and rewriting that went into it, didn't matter. All I wanted to do was sleep for a thousand years and then wake up to a world where cancer wasn't even a thing and I had lost nothing and no one to it. But a year out from that moment, I realize my poor little orphaned book deserves more. More than a rushed book launch party and a couple of radio interviews. It deserves to be shared with intention and enthusiasm. It deserves my attention and affection. It deserves to be celebrated. It deserves a some hoopla and fanfare.

This book is a gift. It was a gift to my soul as I wrote it and it continues to be a gift to my soul through comments from readers, conversations with friends and strangers and in the very words I wrote but still reread for encouragement and reminding. Recently, I blogged about Stones of Remembrance and in a sense this book is a collection of stones, of moments that I recognized God present in my life.

Finding Me in Him began as a letter I wrote to Dude. It was the January after the mastectomy surgery but I hadn't started chemotherapy yet. These were the in-between months, these were the couple of months that I was supposed to be able to participate in regular life stuff like driving the kids to school, volunteering in their classrooms and helping them with homework. These were supposed to be the easy months before the hard stuff started - or so I thought. Instead these months were the beginning of the Missing Months - the six months where I missed everyday, regular moments with the people I love most.

I was feeling sorry for myself and I was mad at cancer.

This is where I was when Dude crawled on to my bed after a rough day at school and confessed to me that he didn't know where he belonged in the world. He felt out of synch with his peers and more than a little bit lost. I held him for a bit and whispered, "me too, buddy" as I stroked his hair. After a while, Dude went to bed and I picked up a pen. I wrote these words,

The infinite God of the universe, the One who created the Heavens and the Earth, 

the One who breathed the world into existence, 

The One who is the beginning and the end thinks of you. He dreams of you. 

He desired you and so He created you! How marvelous is that?

I wrote these words and a thousand more. I started writing for Dude but by the time I put my pen down that night, I realized I had written a letter to myself, too. I wrote the things Dude needed to hear. I wrote the things I already knew but needed to hear again. I read and reread these words and life began again. I felt purpose and intention course though my body and I knew this stupid cancer wasn't going to win. I knew God thought about me, planned for me and meant for me to be here, on this planet, in this moment.

Then I wondered, what else did I know?

I started making a list of my favourite Bible verses and as I read each one again I was reminded of a time when God was so present in my life that I knew He saw me, knew me and loved me with an immeasurable love. And I wrote each memory down. Then more verses and more memories came. In the months I was going through chemotherapy and radiation this list of verses and random memories became pages and pages of stories in my journal. And then that journal became bones of a book.

Finding Me in Him is deeply personal to me and yet readers tell me its deeply personal to them, as well. This is so because the main character is deeply personal to the author and the reader. The main character isn't me, I'm the narrator. God is the main character. His love is the thing. His endless pursuit of my heart - of your heart - is the love story here.

This is a fabulous, beautiful book. It is. It is a gift to my heart and from my heart. And I'd love for you to read it. I'd love for you to share it with those you love and with random strangers. I'd love to hear about how my Stones of Remembrance are yours as well. These words were written to be shared.

In celebration of this one year anniversary I am giving away copies of Finding Me in Him to anyone who asks. From now until December 7, I will email a PDF copies of my book to any interested readers. All I ask for in exchange is a little feedback. Write a review on Amazon or Indigo, mention the book in a Facebook status, blog about it or Tweet a little something then email me the link. After January 7, I will chose a couple of readers who have emailed (somerandommother@gmail.com) me their feedback to receive a signed copy of my book and maybe a little something extra.

Lovelies, I appreciate the moments you spend here in this space and the words you share with me through social media. You are precious to me … I just wanted you to know.

The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium.
~Norbet Platt

Before What Comes Next

For a good time and an uplifting read take a look at the books of Jeremiah and Lamentations - said no person ever. But I am. Not looking for a good time but reading Jeremiah and Lamentations. I committed to read the whole Bible through using a two year reading plan about two and a half years ago. So yeah, there's that. I'm late. What else is new? I may be six months behind but I am dedicated to finishing this plan. So - I'm reading Jeremiah and Lamentations.

People often dive into these books to pull out the lovely, encouraging bits like Jeremiah 29:11 (For I know the thoughts I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope) or Lamentations 3:25 (The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him) but did you know that those sweet verse are just a flash in the pan? Before Jeremiah 29:11 there are 28 chapters of doom and gloom prophecy about how Israel is going to face the natural consequences for a life lived outside of God's will. And after this hopeful glimpse there are two dozen more chapters that highlight the destruction and terror that is heading Israel's way. And in Lamentations when Jeremiah writes about God's goodness he is literally standing in the rubble that used to be God's holy city.

Reading these books have been a real eye-opener for me. I'm usually a glass half full kind of girl and if the glass happens to dip below the half way mark I tend to just ignore it and hope things will turn around. I love good news and I pretend bad news doesn't exist so I found the book of Jeremiah jarring. It's 10 to 1 bad news. Even the good news is flanked by bad news. That's no fun! Especially for me, who has grown up spiritually marinated in the promises and goodness of God and happily skipped over the messy parts of the Bible.

But here's the thing, God is in the messes too. He is in the moments of correction, the walking through consequences and in the devastating unforeseen circumstances. He is there - with us. That's the beauty of the mess. We are never alone in it. God doesn't rescue us from the circumstances because He has already rescued our hearts with His love. And that's better. Seriously, it is.

When I was a kid, I thought God was kind of like Cinderella's fairy godmother. I thought He was just waiting in the wings for things to get 'just bad enough' and then He would swoop in, change everything and rescue me. And when He didn't I was hurt, confused and angry. What kind of magical being was He if He couldn't fix my problems? How could He love me if He wouldn't change my circumstances?

I never really got an answer to those questions but somewhere along the way I decided to lock those questions and doubts in The Bad News Corner of my brain and move on. I still felt that God should be more like a fairy godmother, even if He wasn't but there wasn't anything that could be done for it so I let it go.

As I matured I understood a little better how God worked, how He loved and why He did some of the things He did. Occasionally I'd be chatting with a friend about the Bible and God and the question would come up, "If God is unchanging and so loving then what's with all the smiting in the Old Testament?" I would shrug, babble a little and then try to shift the conversation because I had no answer. I wondered what was with all the smiting, too.

This is the first time that I have read every word in Jeremiah, from start to finish and I now kind of understand what was with all the smiting and destruction. Israel took what was holy and made it unholy. They defiled the temple, the city and the countryside with false idols and pagan worship. Every good thing God had given them they distorted into something profane. God cannot be in an unholy place because He IS holy. So what option did He have?

After generations of warnings, pleadings, chances and mercy Israel was beyond repair - but not beyond redemption. God had to start fresh. He had to tear down all that was unholy to make way for His holiness once again. And in the tearing down there was some natural grief, mourning and pain - but God was still there. He stayed with His people. He watched them, comforted them and made a way for them to come back to Him. He redeemed them.

When we make dumb choices, when we are foolish and selfish and vain we defile what God has made holy. When we put selfish gain, fame, popularity or any current idol in the place of God in our lives there will be some natural consequences. We might be able to live a long time with this off kilter perspective - Israel did - but eventually loneliness, despair, greed, anger and fear will creep into your life. And it is only by tearing down that there will be room to build back up. Room for God to build you back up.

This is something I am learning. Something I am living. In order to be ready to handle what is coming next, you have to make room and prepare yourself. Tear down what is holding you back. Remove what is keeping you at a distance from where you want to be. Be okay with being unpopular. Give up your dreams of fame. Let go of your greed and self ambition and be content to work, to love, to serve, to give.

It took 70 years but God eventually rebuilt Israel. He brought them back, held them near and loved them. He gave them everything He had promised - a hope and a future. But it took time. It took walking through the hard road of captivity to freedom to rebuilding. It took learning again how to work, how to be in community, how to trust God. It took generations. But all the while God had His eye on them.

That's me. I'm Israel. I'm in my 70 years - again. I go through these times regularly. Every time God is preparing me for something new He asks me to take a look at my life, my time, my idols. He asks me to tear down, to make room. Sometimes it's easy but most of the time I struggle a bit. It's hard letting go of the life you've planned, of the things you love. It's scary. What if this is the last good thing? What if I let go and there's nothing else for me? What if I free fall?

The what ifs never happen. There's always something better waiting. There is always the next thing when I let go of the last thing. I never fall. I am always carried by God's grace and mercy and love.

Jeremiah and Lamentations are good news books, after all. They are full of hope and redemption and preparation for the next good thing. They are a reminder that God never is far away, never too far to see you, know you and love you. They are a declaration of God's hope and future and plan.

For us.

"And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity …"
Jeremiah 29:13 & 14a

On Being Successful

Yesterday, Mr. Awesome was on the phone with someone and they asked him how my book sales were going. Mr. Awesome said the sales were going really well and then he tried to move the conversation forward but the person on the other end of the line would have none of it. They wanted details.

"So how many books has she sold? How much does she make per book? Has she been invited to speak anywhere or do radio interviews? How successful is she, really?

Annoyance battled with insecurity for a few moments and temporarily, insecurity won. The truth is my book sales haven't been stellar. Most of those who have purchased books have sent very encouraging messages and have often bought a few more copies to give as gifts. My small but mighty band of readers have been super supportive but I'll be honest, I am a little disappointed at my sale numbers. Feeling down about my sales led to a time of self flagellation at my lack of marketing.

I've joked with friends that I wrote this book in the privacy of my own home and it would be nice if people had the decency to read it in the privacy of their's instead of expecting me to sit and sign and talk about my book. I know that this is completely unrealistic. That's not how this thing goes (and for the record, I do enjoy meeting readers). First you write then you promote. That's the drill. But as you, my dear faithful readers, know I am dorkified through and through. I am awkward and squirmy when it comes to self promotion and the dreaded Accepting of Compliments. I find this Promotion of The Book thing really, really hard. It's unnatural to me yet it's the next thing I must do.

So with all of this neurotic emotional baggage hanging around my neck I asked myself the questions, "How successful am I, really?"
…
…
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I WROTE A DANG BOOK, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

I wrote a book. I sent hours locked away in my room like some kind of half crazed hermit. I drank boatloads of coffee and survived on crackers and grapes (food you can easily eat while typing) for months. I read, reread, edited, revised, screamed, revised again. I contemplated commas, inserted a million forgotten hyphens and agonized over titles, introductions and acknowledgements. And most of all, I prayerfully considered each scripture and each word that I used to lay out the message in my heart. I poured myself onto paper and then handed it over to the masses (and by masses I mean 200 friends and family) to read.

I wrote a book.

So, yeah. I'm successful. The most successful writer ever. I have joined legions of Most Successful Writers Ever who have taken the time, the effort and the heart to bravely follow their passion to write. These courageous souls have not only started to write a book but they have finished writing a book. Starting is scary but finishing is impossibly hard. Every book you hold in your hand in the dream of someone's heart - a dream they had the perseverance to walk out into reality. They just did it (a la Nike).

And so did I.

We gauge success by a million bizarre measuring sticks. Size matters when talking success. Size of house, size of office, size of bank account - but do these things really measure success? I don't think so. Does a huge office bring you peace? Does loads of cash bring you friendship? Does a fancy title bring you love? Not really. I think it's the intangible things that are the only real marker of success.  Are you at peace with what you have done? Do you feel a deep sense of well-being and assurance that you have done what is right?Yes? Great! You are successful. Anything that comes after peace is just gravy.

If you have a dream in your heart you can't be worried about success, accolades or criticisms if you want that dream to be a reality. You just have to do it. Just do the work to move the dream forward. Take the time to plan it out, prepare yourself and then do the work. That's success. Doing. Followed by peace. A sense of accomplishment. Pride in knowing that you saw that monumental thing through. You did the thing you were scared to do. You finished it.

You succeeded.

The price of success is hard work, dedication to the job at hand, and the determination that whether we win or lose, we have applied the best of ourselves to the task at hand.

Vince Lombardi

A Group Project

I've never been a huge fan of group projects. I like the idea of them but the reality hardly ever resembles the idea. When I was a kid and the teacher announced that we would be doing a group project I would experience a brief moment of hope and excitement at the thought of working with my friends to complete a project in perfect unity thus attaining high grades and a closer connection with each other in one fell swoop. This optimistic moment would only last for a few seconds before my guts would twist with dread and anxiety.

What if no one chose me for their group? What if I got stuck working with the kid who never bathes or the one whose homework always looks like it was sent through the garburator before being handed in? What if no one liked my ideas? What if they wouldn't let me help? Or what if I get stuck doing all the work? 

Even writing this now I am feeling anxious as I remember the group projects gone wrong from my childhood. Times when work wasn't done, when bickering caused the group to disintegrate, when I was kicked out of the group, when I wanted to kick someone else out of the group, when I did get stuck working with the kid that never bathed and our project looked like it had been sent through the garburator. But there were other times, times when everything went right and it was magic.

I failed my grade twelve English Lit class. It's true. I did. At first I thought it was the worst - and most humiliating - thing to ever happen in the history of the world but it turned out to be one of the greatest gifts of my life. Because I failed the English Lit course in my first semester I had to take it again during the second semester and then take my English option course at night school. I ended up getting into an option course at the university and I loved it. My second semester English Lit course was filled with other 'failures', oddballs and ESL students ... and it was marvellous! Both classes were filled with back to back group projects which translated into new and interesting friendships, unique projects and fantastic grades.

Through that one course failure a door was opened for me to learn about the beauty of relying on friends, opening my creative process to others for support, encouragement and ideas and that if I want it done right I don't need to do it myself. In fact, if I want it done right, I need to trust the opinions, talents and abilities of others. I learned that group projects are fantastic!

I learned all this as a teen but somehow through my adults years some of these truths have faded away. I've forgotten how exhilarating it can be to share ideas and strategies with others. I forgot how fast friendships can form while working on a project together. I forgot how much sweeter the sense of accomplishment is when it's shared.

As many of you know, last summer I wrote a book. It's an inspirational book based on my own life experiences. I've spent the last several months trying to figure out how to publish it. I've looked into getting an agent and submitting my manuscript through traditional routes. I've also looked into self-publishing. I've chatted with friends, fellow writers and industry professionals and I've spent a lot of time praying about what's next. Sadly, for me, there was no divine sign or moment of clarity so I'm just giving this a go. I'd like to self publish this book but I can't do it on my own. Every time I've started to save up the cash to pay for the printing fees some other regular life issue pops up and my little stash of cash diminishes. So, I've turned this into a group project.

Many of you have been supportive and encouraging through my blogging years beyond my expectations. Your kind words have been a balm to my soul and in my darkest days have shone a little light into my life and I thank you for that. I feel as awkward as heck asking for more from you but here it goes ... 

I've opened an account with an online fundraising site. My goal is to raise $4,000 to publish my book and order extra copies to donate to Siloam Mission in Winnipeg, Manitoba and Teen Challenge. If you'd like to donate towards getting my book published you can go to Go Fund Me to view my profile and donate. I also invite you to click over there to read a chapter from my book, just to get a feel for what I've written.

Thank you for being in my group ... whether your contribution is a kind word, a message of support or a financial donation I appreciate it greatly. I love being in this Group Project called life with you!

Individually we are one drop. Together we are an ocean.

~Ryunosuke Satoro