Balancing Out Bias

At the beginning of last school year Crafty became friends with a boy in her class, Spark - and she was thrilled! He had many of the same interests as her and they shared the same off-beat sense of humour. They enjoyed spending time together at school, talking and joking about their favourite movies and books but in October of that year they hit a road bump in their friendship. They had a disagreement about a favourite book and that disagreement turned into a fracture in their friendship.

The resource teacher sat down with Crafty and Spark to talk things out and from Crafty's point of view, even though her pal was clearly wrong, this didn't have to be a deal breaker in their friendship. She felt that they could agree to disagree and move on. And they tried to do just that but every time they disagreed about anything Spark would go back to that first disagreement as proof that they were never friends.

By Christmas they were no longer on speaking terms. More than that, their disagreements had turned physical. Spark had started accusing Crafty of staring at him, following him and spreading rumours about him. He would (in Crafty's opinion) randomly yell at her in the hallways. And Spark had started jabbing Crafty with pencils, kicking her knees out from under her as she stood at her locker and shove her as he passed by in the hallway. And Crafty was responding with the same intensity - and hating herself afterwards.

Again in January, the resource teacher, the principal, Crafty and Spark sat down to try to resolve what was going on (I had called the school and talked with Spark's parents too by this time). Crafty laid out her complaints and asked Spark to just leave her alone. Crafty committed to minding her own business and staying away from Spark and asked Spark to do the same. Spark then said all sorts of ugly things about Crafty being stupid, a freak and deserving whatever she got because she had been gossiping about him, saying things about his family and using racial slurs. Crafty was confused and hurt and angry about these allegations as she swore she never said any of the things she was accused of.

At this point the school felt the situation was he-said-she-said and decided to have an EA with each of the kids most of the time they were at school. But the situation continued to escalate. Crafty came home from school regularly angry, bruised and hurt. She was repeatedly attacked in the school hallway (one time a pregnant teacher stepped in between the students as Spark punched Crafty in the head twice and another time the resource teacher had to hold Spark back and tell Crafty to run, for her safety) and I was constantly at the school looking for answers and help for my girl.

Daily, Spark would humiliate, yell at or make threats against Crafty. Crafty, with the support of her EA, stopped responding to the threats and attacks. She had developed the heart-breaking habit of never looking up for fear of accidentally glancing in Spark's direction and thus causing another assault. Spark continued to make threats, violent threats, against Crafty. He repeatedly threatened to stab her, taunted her by letting her know that he knew where she lived and bragged to other students that he had her terrified. Spark told me, in front of the principal and resource teacher, that he planned to stab Crafty enough times to hospitalize her but not kill her. And the more Crafty tried to avoid him, the angrier and more persistent Spark would become. He would watch her come down the hallways, looking for an opportunity to yell at her, hit her or attack her - and then blame her for it.

Crafty survived til the end of the school year and we spent two months trying to figure out how we were going to proceed in the new school year. We hoped that two months off school and away from each other would allow things to cool off but when the school year started so did the attacks. Three times in the first four weeks of school Spark came to Crafty's locker, screamed at her for being a stalker and a creep and then physically attacked her. After the third attack, with Crafty bruised and scratched, the new school administrator finally understood the severity of the situation.

And then it happened again.

For 16 months Crafty lived (and still lives) in terror of Spark. It has changed how she sees herself, her community and her place in the world. She alternates between blaming herself for bringing these attacks on herself (as she has been accused repeatedly of provoking these attacks even though witnesses and video surveillance proves otherwise) and being furious at Spark for doing this to her. Crafty never goes out alone. She doesn't go for walks or bike rides, she is afraid to go with me to the grocery store for fear of running in to Spark or his parents (on two occasions Spark's dad has yelled at me in public for not keeping my kid under control, for allowing her to provoke his son into these fits).

We are shocked. Angry. Hurt. Outraged. Disgusted.

Are you?

Oh - just one thing. This didn't happen to our daughter , Crafty. It happened to our son, Dude.

And Spark is a girl.

Are you still angry? Or did the gender reversal catch you up a bit? I respect the school and principal who worked with the kids last year. And I understand that when you are mediating situations nothing is ever black and white but I wonder if the situation would have gone on this long if the roles had been reversed, if Dude was the perpetrator and Spark the victim. I wonder if it would have taken so long to get to the truth, if Dude would have been given as many allowances and second chances despite continual violent behaviour . I wonder if Dude would have only received single day suspensions for attacking a female student - unprovoked - in the hallway. I wonder.

My point in sharing this is not to blame the school or any individual but to put a spotlight on our biased and our double standards. I saw this video on Facebook and it got me thinking … would I have done all the same things, trusted the school to handle the situation, kept the police out of it and given the same advice if it was Crafty and not Dude in this situation? I don't know.

Actually, I do know. There's no way I'd send my girl into a situation like that for 16 months. I would have jumped in with both feet much earlier. I would have protected her better. I would have advocated for her harder. And, I believe, I would have been heard earlier.

We all have bias. We all look at the world through our own life experience and perspective. We all have been affected by social norms and niceties. We all have bias towards and against things. That's just who we are.

But we can all change.

What if the boys in this video had hit the girl? What if they had kicked, spit or slapped the girl? Would you have been appalled and angered? You bet! And I would have too! But what if this video showed a group of girls being asked to hit a boy? Do you think they would have responded with the same gentleness as the boys did? Maybe. Would you have been outraged if they hadn't? Possibly. Maybe. Maybe not.

All I'm saying here is that we should question our perspective. Challenge ourselves to stretch equality both ways, to provide protection without bias and offer respect regardless of gender stereotypes. If we want our boys to grow to be men, real loving, caring, responsible, respectful men then we need to love, care and respect them as boys.

And if we want our girls to grow to be strong, independent, confident women then we need to teach them that violence is weak and meanness is a cop-out. True strength is born in character, not force and confidence is birthed in caring. Kindness is cool. Kindness is beautiful. Kindness is strong.

In Their Natural Habitat

"I think we can! I think we can! I think we can!"

This has been our mantra for the past couple of weeks. We are in the slow climb to the last day of school (9 days, but who's counting?). We've been in survival mode. Git 'er done, eye on the prize, push through the pain mentality. But as we've slogged through portfolios, crammed for tests and scrambled to finish up projects we also enjoyed a few rare moments of fun and organized chaos in the form of field trips.

Mr. Awesome and I both have been able to attend a couple of field trips during the last few week and while we had moments of terror (like when I was the only adult sitting at the back of the school bus for a two hour ride) for the most part our trip pin' days were fun and educational. Sure, we learned more about our local government, fossil discovery in our province and just how many windows to open on a school bus to combat preteen musk without creating a hurricane force wind tunnel as you drive down the highway but mostly we learned about our kids and how they interact with their world. And some of the findings surprised us.

They aren't extroverts. They aren't exactly introverts either but seriously, I was a little surprised to see that all three of The Wee Ones were more reserved than I expected. Crafty is always more cautious and watchful in new situations but I was genuinely shocked to see that Mischief reacted exactly the same way as his sister. He is usually our go-getter but field trip day, parent day and track day all saw my Wee Wild Child hang back a bit and let others take the lead. He still had fun and was part of the group but he was no longer the kid out front - and that's okay.

They're okay with flying solo. All three Wee Ones have some really great friends but all three of them are fine with doing their own thing alone if no one else wants to join them. Sometimes, their are disappointed that their friends aren't with them but that doesn't stop them from participating in something they are really interested in even if no one else is. I also noticed that all three of them crave alone time even when they are in a crowd. They eventually rejoin the group but they each seemed to need a time out during the busyness of the day.

They ask great questions. This wasn't a big shocker for me when it came to observing Dude. His mind is always going and he's always asking questions - and I'm usually not smart enough to answer most of the questions he asks. I was more surprised by Crafty and Mischief. They are smart cookies, too, so I wasn't surprised that they had thoughts. What surprised me was Crafty's boldness to ask questions to strangers in a group setting and the depth of though Mischief put into his questions. It seems that although Mischief is in constant motion he is, in fact, taking in most of what he hears and Crafty has figured out how to let her curiosity win over her anxiety.

They are growing at warp speed. I often think of home as their natural habitat but that's not really the case. These Wee Ones spend most of their wakeful hours out in the world, with teachers and peers. Most of their learning and maturing happens out of sight from us and this is so evident when we have the opportunity to observe them in their natural habitat. They are not little anymore. They don't need us to navigate the world, step by step, for them. They are figuring things out pretty well on their own. They are stronger, smarter, more thoughtful, more courageous than I give them credit for. They are not babies - they are Wee People who have carved out their own place in their world. It's really remarkable to witness. And it's happening so fast!

They still want us. Whether it was a wink across the room, a seat saved on the bus or a wee sticky hand slipping into mine, my kids all let us know that they still want us around. While some of the other kids didn't want to be in their parents' group, didn't want to sit with them on the bus or didn't want them taking pictures of them together at the events all three of my kids loved every minute of having us present. They were happy to walk with us during the tours and looked forward to us joining them and their friends for lunch. They wanted to stand next to us, hold our hands and give us hugs throughout the day. They may not need us but they want us - and that makes my heart sing!

This school year has flown but and our kids have grown by leaps and bounds. I'm proud of them for persevering, for being brave and for being teachable. I'm in awe of the people they are becoming. As I watch them grow from year to year, and learn a little more about them, its as though I am slowly unwrapping a precious, and much anticipated, gift. Maybe because I am. As much as I'd like to tear of the wrappings and see the fullness of this precious gift, I also want to savour this time. Savour the anticipation, the discovery, the quiet moments of becoming. Time rushes on fast enough on its own and though I can do nothing to stop it, I can be purposeful in enjoying each second that passes. I can soak in the newness of each day. I can peacefully observe these Wee Ones as they move through the world and make it their own.

And I can be grateful
.

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.” 
― Anne Frank

Independent Filmmaker

Today's post is a short one.

For the Pink Shirt Assembly this week Dude wrote, story boarded, directed and edited a video. I was there on the day of filming just to make sure he got all the shots he needed but that was all the adult involvement he wanted. It was his concept that he fleshed out with his best buddy over pizza and chips at our place one Friday night. He recruited the background actors and he scouted the location. He did it all and I was relegated to the status of a PA for the morning of the shoot.

From my vantage point, manning the clipboard and holding back traffic in the hallway between takes, I was blown away but the focus and leadership he displayed that morning. The shy and mumbling boy melted away and a decisive, collaborative director stepped forward. He was relaxed and kind with the cast yet wholly focussed on getting his message on film. He ticked off the checklist of shots need then declared the shoot wrapped. I followed him to the lab for editing but he stopped me at the door.

"I've got this, mom," he said as he gently yet firmly closed the door on me.

My feelings were a little hurt and I was more than a little worried about the finished product but when he showed it to me, and the guidance counsellor, a week later I got goosebumps and teared up a little. The message in the video was in itself enough to start the waterworks but knowing that my boy did this on his own, that he worked with a team and crafted a piece of art that spoke his heart, moved me.

Everyday since he was a wee boy caught in the tangles of Autism I have prayed that he would find his way to independence and see his own strength realized. This video is evidence of this prayer being answered. He's determined to reach his goals and to Stand Up and Speak Out against injustice along the way. He is determined to be a good person and he is committed to changing his world.

I'm so very, very proud of him! Take a moment to click on the link and watch.

The Note Video

If that doesn't work click here to view the video on our local radio station's blog. It's a write up on the assembly and Dude's video is about halfway down.

“Do your little bit of good where you are; it's those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.”

~Desmond Tutu

Silent No More

Yesterday, Dude and Crafty's school celebrated National Pink Shirt Day. This day began a number of years ago when a boy in Nova Scotia wore a pink t-shirt to school and was bullied for it. The next day a couple of classmates showed up at school with 50 pink t-shirts to hand out to the other boys in the school. That day they sent the message, loud and clear, that bullying was not okay. These kids became part of the solution in their school and now Dude and Crafty have become part of the solution in their school, too.

Most kids have felt that they've been bullied at some point during their school career but for us, because of Autism lives with us, dealing with the aftermath of bullying becomes nearly a full time job. Not only are kids on The Spectrum a fairly easy target of meanness but they have a much more difficult time understanding the why and the what next of bullying. Because kids on The Spectrum don't pick up on social cues and nuances everything everything has to be explained in detail and are often best received when explained as 'rules'. The problem arises then when everyone doesn't follow the 'rules'.

Dude working tech for the assembly

For instance, Dude was having issues with a classmate. She was offended by the way he expressed himself and she had begun to lash out at him, verbally and physically. He was absolutely frustrated and confused at her behaviour. When the principal sat them both down to talk our their issues, Dude was shocked to hear that he was offensive when, in his mind, he was just being honest. She asked if he liked her drawing. He said 'no' because he doesn't like cats. She was talking to friends about Lord of the Rings and said dwarves are better than Elves but, according to Dude, that's simply not true because Elves are excellent archers - and he told her so. These types of exchanges went on for a while, understandably, frustrating her to the point of near insanity.

When the principal explained that although Dude was speaking the truth, from his perspective, he was being unkind and tunnel visioned in his delivery. As soon as he realized that he bore some of the responsibility to the friendship breakdown he apologized and waited for forgiveness and an apology from his classmate for her part.

He waited.

And waited.

...

Then he blew up. He was hurt and appalled that he was playing by the rules, as explained to him by us, and his classmate wasn't. She refused to forgive him and absolutely refused to apologize for her behaviour toward him. The conversation ended with the rift unresolved.

Dude came out of the school that day spewing venom about his classmate and friendship in general. It took us hours to talk him down and reason with him. We tried to explain the unexplainable. We tried to reason the unreasonable. By the end of our two hour conversation we were able to get him to accept that not all families have the same rules to relationships, and not all kids respond the way their parents would like them too (including him,sometimes!), but in This Random Family we do our best to be kind, forgive and move on.

He generally accepts this for friendships gone awry but when he becomes the target of aggressive kids that he has no connection with or previous interactions with, he is dumbfounded. He doesn't understand how someone can be randomly mean to someone else. He doesn't know why he is the target when he hasn't done or said anything to the aggressors. He can't find sense to the cruel and malicious behaviour.

We've told him there is no reason and it doesn't make sense but there is something he can do about it. He can be part of the solution. He can stop being a bystander, he can stop turning a blind eye to other targets. He can stand up and speak out - against cruelty, against injustice, against bullying.

Crafty and her pal reviewing their speech

So Dude and Crafty and four of their friends formed a small yet mighty band of school changers. They came together with support of teachers and parents and decided to make a change in their school. These spark of change has become a movement and today they invited the entire school to join them, to be the change.

This group of grade 6 and 8 students found a slogan, designed t-shirts, wrote speeches, produced a video and honed their message. They hosted a school wide assembly and together they stood in front of their 500+ classmates and asked them to Stand Up and Speak Out with them.

Because of their intense sense of justice, Dude and Crafty both understood the importance of standing up for what is right - they just didn't realize that they could do it, right in their own school, right now. They didn't know that their friends would support them. They didn't know that a group of ragtag middle schoolers could turn the heads of the entire community and shine a light of truth and friendship wherever they go. They didn't know that they, and their pals, could change the culture of their school.

They didn't know but we did. We, who know the greatness inside them, the depth of their caring and their desire to be a friend and have a friend. We, who love their quirkiness and celebrate their individuality. We, who know that when you play to their strengths their potential is limitless.

When Dude was first diagnosed seven years ago we were told that he would never feel or give love and he would never be able to feel or express empathy. We were devastated and discouraged but as time went on we realized that the psychiatrist was wrong. He only knew what Autism could take but he didn't know the strength of heart inside of our boy. He didn't know that he loves so much that it overwhelms him, that he cares so much that his heart aches and that he empathizes so much that he physically feels the pain of others. He didn't know - but we did.

If you are blessed enough to have a special kid like this as part of your life, play to their strengths, support them, challenge them and encourage them. Tell them they have a voice and show them how to use it. Show them that they can make a difference, that they are agents of change. And love them. Love them. Love them. Love them.

Love them enough to teach them to play by the rules, even if no one else does.

Silence in the face of evil is itself evil.
~Dietrich Bonhoeffer


Here's link to one of the local news stories from yesterday.

Autism in our World

Today is World Autism Awareness Day and as friends, family, neighbours and classmates have donned The Blue in a show of support I've been reflecting back on our journey with Autism. As I wrote about yesterday, we are in a much different place today than seven years ago when Dude was diagnosed. We have all grown, matured and learned volumes about life with Autism and on the surface it might appear as though living with Autism is no big deal for us but that would only be partially true.

Our day to day life is much easier to manage than some other families. Dude is verbal (maybe too verbal sometimes!), high functioning and very intelligent (often too intelligent for his own good).

-- This blog post is interrupted by an Asperger's moment --

I started writing this post three hours ago. I was just beginning to write about how much easier our life is now and how well Dude is doing when he burst into the room in a frantic fit of upset because of something that happened at school that he couldn't understand. He was on the verge of a full fledged melt down because he couldn't understand why someone would behave inconsistently towards him.

We talked for two hours and just as abruptly as the conversation started it ended. It was 15 minutes past supper time and I hadn't even started cooking it yet so he dismissed me. Now dinner is done and cleaned up and he is content to continue to work on the language he is inventing. That is the reality of Autism in our world.

A friend once described life with Autism as 'living in a minefield, never sure of when or where the next explosion will come." I have never heard a better or more accurate statement about Autism. On the surface a minefield looks like a field. It might even look like a pleasant field with flowers or grass growing on it but its not until you step into the field that you realize how unpredictable and jarring this field can be. As long as nobody moves nobody gets hurt but that's not how life works. You have to keep moving, life is in constant motion so you are at constant risk of experiencing an explosion.

When Dude was little we could have fifteen to twenty explosions a day - no joke. Now that he is older we can go a day or two without hitting a mine but when we do watch out! He takes it personally when life doesn't work out as he expected. He feels deeply betrayed when others don't play by the rules of social norms, as he understands them. He is defensive when his actions, words or attitudes are questions because he is terrified of making mistakes.

Because we live in a minefield we spend countless hours painstakingly digging up mines and defusing them. The ones we can't defuse we mark and do our best to avoid as we move about our field. And sometimes the mines we fear the most are duds; they aren't loaded and we've been stressing for nothing.

Sometimes people walk by our field and comment on how nice it seems, how lovely it must be to live in our field, how easy it is for us. Outwardly we smile and thank them for noticing, inwardly we scream, 'You've got to be kidding me!!!' because we know the hours, the tears and the stress that has gone into defusing our field.

Sometimes I get angry and frustrated. Often I am exhausted. I walk the thin line between optimism and bitterness, one moment of self pity could push me into the abyss, so I just keep moving forward, marking and defusing as best I can. When self pity does threaten to overwhelm me or when anger simmers just below the surface I remind myself that if I feel this off kilter then how does Dude feel?

He didn't choose this wiring system we call Autism. And neither did Crafty. They aren't trying to be difficult or defiant. In fact, they are desperately trying to make sense of a world that is as foreign and strange to them as their world is to us. They want to connect with people, they want to love and be loved. They want to relax, laugh and enjoy the world but how do you relax in a mine field?

You see, the minefield isn't them or their reactions. The minefield is the disconnect between our worlds. Sometimes the mines are set off by their Aspergian points of view and just as often mines are set of by my emotional reactions to a world that makes no sense to me - their world.

So today I think of its not really World Autism Day but Autism World Day - a day to acknowledge and respect that Autism is it's own world within our world and our world is a world inside Autism. We are separate yet overlapping, apart yet together - coexisting in one giant field ... trying to dance between the mines.

I have my own little world but it's okay, they know me here.
~Unknown

Autism Lives with Us

April is Autism Awareness month and tomorrow, April 2, is World Autism Awareness Day although everyday is autism awareness day in our world.

Two out of our three kids have a form of Autism and I firmly believe that if Mr. Awesome were tested he'd be right there with them. Even though two members of our family have the diagnosis we all live with Autism, we all think differently, do things differently and see the world differently because Autism lives with us.

At this point in our lives most people who know us casually may not notice Autism in our midst. It's quieter now. It's been tamed. It hides behind learned social graces and practiced politeness. It has been taught to think before it reacts and to trust more than it fears. Autism has matured in our family, it has been taught to speak the common language and we have learned to speak its language. We understand each other better now. We are on the same team ... but it hasn't always been this way.

We used to be afraid of Autism. We saw it as a thief and a murderer; it stole our happiness in the present and it killed our dreams for the future. It broke into our lives and brought chaos and stress into everyday moments. It turned our kids against us and made us a spectacle wherever we went. Autism, for a time, stole our hope, our dignity and our sense of order in the world. Autism held us hostage; we rarely went out or mixed with other families because it was unpredictable and hard to manage. Autism, we thought, had ruined our lives.

In the midst of the chaos, fear and sadness we saw a flicker of light. It was small and weak but it was there. This light would shine in quiet moments of puzzle solving, of nature walks and of hours spent watching the History Channel. The light grew stronger over time and we began to actively look for it, even in the midst of chaos. This light, this little blue light, was curious and quirky and intelligent. This light saw the world in a way that made mundane things seem new. It shone on buildings, on animals, on science and on history. And it shone on me.

I saw myself as a teacher, a nurse and an adventurer in the glow of this light. I saw myself as a translator and fear slayer in every shade of blue. And I saw myself braver, smarter and more loving than I thought possible when this light was with me. Then I saw that this light was Autism.

I began to recognize the strengths and beauty of Autism. And all the possibilities it brought with it. I stopped trying to make Autism behave the way I wanted it to and started listening to the language it spoke, seeing the way it moved through the world naturally. I looked for the benefits of Autism and coaxed it through its challenges. I encouraged my kids to get to know Autism personally and to understand what it is to each of them, individually. The more time I spent learning about Autism, the easier it got to teach it without containing it, to work with it rather than against it, to love it rather than hate it.

Autism is neither a thief nor a murder. It does not take from us. In many ways it has added to us. It has taught us to be more patient, more forgiving and more open minded than we were before it moved in. Autism has taught us to live acceptance and to love diversity. It has revealed that gifts and talents come in many shapes and packages. And despite its own rigid tendencies, Autism has taught us to expect the unexpected and to adapt to its little surprises quickly. Autism has taught us that different in not less and that there is more than one way to view the world. It has made us laugh and hope and dream. It has made us choose our battles and celebrate every victory. It has made us be deliberate with our words and honest in our intentions. Autism has made every moment a teachable moment.

Autism lives with us ... but its not who we are. We are a normal, laughing, teasing, learning, loving, growing, dreaming, forgiving, serving, mistake-making, messy, chaotic family. We are brilliant and we are ridiculous. We are brave and we are strong. We are bold and we are caring. We are Random. We are beautiful ... and Autism lives with us.

"Not everything that steps out of line, and thus 'abnormal', must necessarily be 'inferior'"
 - Hans Asperger (1938) 

**Check back all this month for posts about Living with Autism**

**Don't forget to wear blue on April 2 in support of World Autism Day!**

Apocalypse Now

"Dad, what's a zombie?" Crafty asked from the back seat. We were driving to my parents house and the kids were talking about legends and myths. We had discussed Big Foot, who we decided might actually be Dude (he has huge feet and smells bad, apparently) and The Loch Ness Monster and vampires. Now it was the zombie question.

"Well, zombies aren't real. But people say they are people who aren't dead but they aren't really alive either. They just eat and grunt and don't really know how to interact with others." Mr. Awesome answered.

"Remind you of anyone?" I snickered. Mr. Awesome nodded and laughed.

Dude had had his face in his iPod for an hour and a half. We had tried to engage him in conversation but all we got out of him were a few random grunts. The only time he'd spoken real words to us on the drive was to ask when we were having lunch. He was surly, distant and rude. I was annoyed.

Zombies and kids. Zombies and kids. There's something there ...

Here's what I know about zombies. They breath and move and take care of their basic survival needs, like eating, but they aren't really living. They don't acknowledge others around them, unless they are being bothered by them. In that case their 'acknowledgement' is harsh, rude and self serving. They are temperamental and spend a lot of time hunting and killing the weak and vulnerable.

Hmmm ... sounds vaguely familiar.

Here's what I know about teens. They are alive but aren't living in our world, for the most part. They spend their days disconnected with real, living people in favour of virtual realities. Their minds are engaged with building virtual worlds, hunting and killing virtual animals, people and even zombies. The bulk of their interactions with the other Unalive is in the form of text shorthand and, more often than not, they are sitting in the same room as them. When you do finally get one of these teen creatures to lift their heads from their devices what you often get is a temperamental, self-serving and rude interaction.

We are living in a zombie apocalypse right now. Only its not some random virus that has claimed our brains ... its technology.

Seriously, think about the last time you were waiting for a table at a restaurant, waiting in a doctor's office or, well, just plain waiting anywhere. What were the other waiting people doing? You can't recall? You probably missed it because you were doing what they were doing. Playing on your phone. Checking emails and text messages. Trying to get to the next level in Candy Crush. You were in your own world. And so was everyone else around you.

What happened to people watching? To having random conversations with strangers? To being okay with having a quiet mind?

I totally get the need to shut your mind off for a while. I enjoy a good round of Candy Crush as much as the next person but what concerns me is that our kids aren't learning the art of conversation. For instance, I was recently having a conversation with a man who teaches Sunday School to a group of junior high boys. He was exasperated because no matter how hard he tries, he can't engage them in conversation. His statement to me was, "I don't even think they know how to talk to each other."

Sad but true.

Technology is great, it is convenient and connects us in ways that we were never able to connect before. But if we're not careful, it can disconnect us in ways that can be so detrimental to our sense of community. We need people. We were created for relationship. And just to be clear, relationship is not a status on your Facebook page.

Relationship is a living breathing thing. It thrives under care, communication and time. It requires face to face human contact. It requires a measure of selflessness. It requires an interest in others. It also requires intention. We need to be intentional about building relationships and teaching our kids how to build relationships. They need to see us interacting with one another, caring about the people in our world and spending time cultivating friendship. They need to see it so that means we have to do it and we need to call their attention to it. We need to pry their Unalive hands off their lifeless devices and engage them in the world around them. We need to wake them up to the wonderful thing that is this life!

We are living in a zombie apocalypse right now but its not too late. We can reclaim the Unalive, whether adult or child. We can teach them how to live again. We can build relationships and waken them to the magnificent thing that is community!

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
~Albert Einstein

50 Shades of Blue

Today is World Autism Awareness Day!

Truth be told, everyday seems like world autism awareness day in our house because everyday our world revolves around the awareness of the needs our kids with Autism have. But today we celebrate. Today we love all that Autism has brought to our world. Today we are loud and proud that, in our world, Autism is not a disability but a different ability. That's our world.

When I talk with people about Autism I usually hear one of two stereotypes. Either the image of Sheldon from Big Bang Theory, a socially awkward genius, comes to mind or I hear stories about how someone had an unpleasant experience in a restaurant or movie theatre because of a non-verbal yet extremely disruptive social misfit. While both can be true of people with Autism there are a million shades of blue in between and that's where most people living with Autism reside.

Autism, in all its forms, is a spectrum disorder, meaning that there is a large umbrella that covers a variety of symptoms and characteristics. No two people with Autism are the same ... just as no two people are the same. What is true for Dude rarely applies to Crafty but they both are 'on The Spectrum.' And while Dude and his best buddy Kent both have Asperger's Syndrome, both have excellent memories and both love Lego they couldn't be more different in other ways.

I think that today, of all days, as we celebrate people with Autism and all that they are, we need to understand that before the disorder, before the symptoms and challenges, before the stereotypes that they are above all else, individuals. Each person with Autism is a person. They are more than surface behaviour, quirks and ticks. Each person with Autism has gifts, talent and abilities. They have the capacity to love and be loved. They have emotions and feelings, even if they can't always express them appropriately. They have beauty and light and life. They have endless potential.

This video shows some of the challenges, hope and diversity of people with Autism ...

Blue is the traditional colour for Autism Awareness and today, World Autism Awareness Day, people across the globe are donning the blue in support of people with Autism and so are we.

Dude has been having a rough year at school. He has been the target of bullies because of his 'disability' and there are days that he feels worthless and hopeless. We, as a family, are working to help him see the positives, to work towards success and to surround him with people who respect and value him. In an effort to lift his spirits today I'm asking people to take a picture of themselves, in blue, and post it to Twitter or Instagram with the tag #BlueforGavin. Its my plan to show him the pictures when he get home from school today so that he can see that he, and kids like him, have value and are loved and respected, too.

Thanks!

What would happen if the autism gene was eliminated from the gene pool? You would have a bunch of people standing around in a cave, chatting and socializing and not getting anything done.
~Temple Grandin

Crime; Boy, I Don't Know.

I could home school. Or maybe we could look at private school? No, homeschooling would be better. Maybe we should move? To the neighbouring town? Back to the city? Out of province? Out of country???

This has been the spinning top in the back of my mind for the last week. I'm not sure what the right answer is but right now, the way things are, the current set up isn't working. As things are, I'm sending my kid into a hostile atmosphere with a gaping wound. He is in so much pain that even when people accidentally touch his 'wound' or intentionally touch it to treat it he lashes out. And don't even get me started on the ones who inflicted the wound in the first place.

Dude has had one heck of a year so far and he just can't seem to catch a break anywhere. The year started off a little rocky. Mr. Awesome and I had concerns about his program and classroom right from the start of the year. Then, two months into the year The Incident happened (can't get into it for a number of reasons but suffice it to say, those who know the details can't believe the year we've had!) and we had Dude transferred out of his homeroom.

In the midst of the upset that comes from taking a kid with Asperger's, who thrives on routine, hates change and can't understand social subtleties, and switching classrooms, peers, routines and teachers on him, he was/is dealing with being a target of some very malicious behaviour. So, what we have now is a boy who is confused, angry, hurt and full of distrust walking through the halls of a middle school (which is not the most nurturing atmosphere at the best of times. Seriously, how warm and fuzzy was your grade seven experience?) totally on edge and freaking out on people in a huge way for what seems a minor offence.

I've had a total of nine hours of conversation, since Monday, with different administrators in our school and school division about Dude, the school culture, school division policy on bullying and how it actually plays out day to day. We've talked big picture and we've talked minute detail.

The West Wing is one of my all time favourite shows (no, this isn't a rabbit I'm chasing, this ties in, I promise). In one episode President Bartlett is talking to his political opponent. Bartlett is informing his opponent of the murder of a secret service agent in a violent gun attack. His opponent's reply? "Crime. Boy, I don't know." Bartlett looks at the guy like he's on crack and then sets out to annihilate him in the election.

During my conversations this week and for the past two and a half years I've been working with the schools in my area, I've had a lot of "Crime. Boy, I don't know" moments. As adults, we sit around and lament about the state of our kids, of our schools and of our communities but we don't actually do anything about it. Or if we do try to do something, its not enough and falls short of real change.

I'm tired of lamenting. I'm tired of talking and frankly, I'm afraid of what will happen in our schools, in our community, if things continue this way. Suicide? School shooting? Who knows, but it shouldn't have to get to that before we, the adults, set a new course for our kids.

Now, before you think I live in a war zone and my kids' schools are hotbeds of violent activity, you should know that I live in a beautiful small city with schools that are filled with caring and committed staff and compassionate and connected students. There is a lot of good, a lot to be celebrated. But there is also  a lot of room for improvement. We need to do better for our kids, we need to require more.

We can't wail and bemoan the lack of moral fibre in our kids and then go on our way. Illuminating the problem isn't enough. We have to do more.

So I am. I am going to do more. To be more. To expect more.

I promise because, "Crime. Boy, I don't know," is not an answer.

Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right.
~Theodore Roosevelt 

Easy Target

This past Wednesday was National Anti-bullying Day or Pink T-shirt Day. A few years back, in Nova Scotia, a boy was bullied at school for wearing a pink t-shirt. The next day 50 kids showed up wearing pink in support of anti-bullying. Since then, schools all across Canada have participated in this anti-bullying movement.

But on Wednesday we weren't celebrating a day of unity against bullying, we were grieving the injustice of being made a victim.

All year Dude has been a target of harassment. I wrote a while back about how he worked to resolve issues with one boy and I wish I could say that that was the end of that kind of treatment for my boy, but it wasn't. Another group of boys have been targeting him since the start of the school year and on Wednesday everything came to a head.

The ring leader sent Dude on a wild goose chase through the school and then sat back and laughed as Dude became completely undone. By the time an adult was made aware of what was going on Dude was humiliated, angry, exhausted and heart broken. He had a meltdown that was anything but funny.

When the ring leader of this stunt was asked by the principal why he was targeting Dude, he said, "His disability makes it so easy."

Those words have been echoing in my mind since I spoke to the vice-principal yesterday. My heart is broken for my boy and I am filled with anger and frustration at the whole situation. While I was muddling through my day I cam across this blog post in The Huffington Post. As I read Marc and Craig Kielburger's words all the pieces came together.

I had heard kids at Dude's school talking about how funny Seth Macfarlance was during The Oscars, well overheard actually. On Tuesday I was in the school because Crafty was too afraid of being bullied to walk down to her class by herself so I walked with her. As we walked down the hall I heard grade five and six students relaying jokes of a racial and sexual nature, all from the Macfarlane's Sunday night performance. I was bothered by what passed as entertainment these days but I was also too caught up in my own moment to put much more thought into it but today, today I had time to think.

Celebrities make a very profitable living from saying exactly the kinds of things we're trying to get kids to stop saying to each other.

From all accounts, Macfarlane went for the easy laugh. He targeted people based on their weight, ethnicity and sexual preferences. He made light of domestic violence. He went for the shock factor and received a lot of uncomfortable laughter for his efforts. He went for the easy laugh and was rewarded with high ratings.

So if this is the standard of entertainment why wouldn't a 13 year old kid target the kid with autism. Its just an easy laugh, isn't it? If a comedian can get a gig based on his ability to mock an incident of domestic violence why shouldn't a girl get mocked at school because her mother came into her room in the middle of the night and cut her hair off and then beat her? If its funny to comment on a singer's weight at an awards show then why wouldn't it be funny for one 10 year old boy to tell another ten year old boy that he's so fat he has boobs? Its all just an easy laugh right?

Folks, we're the adults. Its up to us to set the example and lead the way. We need to expect more from each other, from ourselves so that we can teach our children to be better. We need to stop going for the easy laugh, to stop laughing in our discomfort. We need need to start speaking up. Everyday should be a Pink Shirt Day for us. Everyday we should speak up for what is right and stand against what is wrong.

And by the way, the girl whose hair was cut and the boy who's told he has boobs are two spectacular kids that we know. Two brilliant, loving, hilarious, full-of-potential kids and they are anything but easy targets.

The change starts within each one of us. And ends only when all children are free to be children.
~Craig Kielburger, founder of Free the Children

Catching the Dream

Five rings. One red maple life. Indescribable national pride. It's the Olympics and we are so proud to be Canadian!

The Olympics are a big deal in this random house. The winter Olympics are our favorite but we are just as proud of our summer athletes. All five of us gather around the TV to cheer on our countrymen in very nearly every event imaginable. Sports we had no clue about a week ago have suddenly become of great importance to us. We hush each other during weightlifting, judo and rowing. We wait, breathless, during the men's medley, 100 butterfly and 4 x 100 relay and we can't wait for our favorite events, namely gymnastics and diving. We have caught the spirit.

The boys in particular have been bit by the Olympic bug. Dude has always wanted to be an Olympic diver and nothing has changed with that dream. Mischief is just like me, easily inspired. During rowing he wants to row, during swimming he wants to swim and during gymnastics he wants to be a gymnast. In between events the boys run outside to try out their skills at the different events and to coach and cheer each other on. They dream of standing on the podium and hearing O Canada play as the maple leaf is lifted high. They dream of inspiring other kids. They dream of being part of the team that binds the country together every four years.

And my kids are not the only wee ones who have the Olympic itch.

Today, while at the beach, I saw a nine year old girl mark out a path in the sand, take her mark and run to an imagined vault. I could see her soar through the air in her mind's eye and land her vault with perfection. My own kids, along with their cousins, swam Olympic races and invented their own events, including under water handstands and the tunnel swim.

It has been awesome to see the domino effect of The Dream. It has less to do with the Olympics and more to do with people witnessing others achieve their dreams. We all have had dreams for our lives; for some of us we are still dreaming, others are making the dream a reality and still others have lost hope in their dreams.  That's the poison of life, to lose hope in the dream, to stop dreaming.

Life happens, plans change and sometimes unexpected things happen. All of this can conspire to fill us with doubt and despair. All of this can steal our dreams but it doesn't have to be that way.

The Canadian coverage of the Olympics include segments called The Difference Makers. It's the stories of different althetes and the people who made their dreams a reality. Many of these stories have elements of disappointment and heartache. Athletes have suffered injuries that could have forced them to abandon their dreams, some have lost parents and others have been victims of abuse and yet all of them continued on. All of them adjusted their plans but never took their eyes off their goals. All of them allowed others to lend hope to their dreams. All of them are living the dream.

Watching these hope filled stories makes me wonder, what's my 'Olympic' dream? What's the secret plan of my heart and am I staying the course or have I allowed life to steal my hope, my focus? Am I doing what it takes to live the dream?

Are you?

What the dream of your heart? What's the thing you want most for your life, for your family? Has life's circumstances stolen your hope? Does the dream seem impossible? Or worse, have you forgotten how to dream?

There ate gifts, talents and hopes that have been woven into each one of us. There is a greatness that lies within each of us to live a huge life of purpose and fulfillment. There is a destiny that we are each meant to discover and live out and the secret dream of your heart is a key piece to achieving that destiny.

If life has become too big, too busy, too stressful, too much to bear take heart. It's not too late to dream. It's not too late to live the life you were meant to live. It's not too late to draw your path in the sand, to take a deep breath and to run to your destiny with all your might.

Dream.

Dream.

Dream.

Live.

Never underestimate the power of dreams and the influence of the human spirit. We are all the same in this notion: The potential for greatness lives in each of us.
~Wilma Rudolph, Olympian

Things that make you go ???

Dear Children,

In the 12 years that I have been a mother there have been many moments that have left me awestruck, overwhelmed and weeping at the wonder of you. I have laughed til I cried on countless occasions and I have also wept in sadness from time to time. There have also been times that have left me questioning my sanity, YOUR sanity and the basic order of life ... this week has been one of those weeks.

This week, moment by moment, I have wondered how your little, still developing brains works. I have marvelled at what the thought process must be inside that tiny melon to bring you to the incomprehensible decisions you make.

Why, why, why did you think wearing your jacket while it was still on the hanger, hanging in your closet, was a good idea?

Why, why, why did you think a bungee jump from the stair to the couch using a skipping rope would be successful?

Why, why, why did a jam and lettuce sandwich sound appealing?

Why, why, why did you think the dog needed to try on your brother's jacket?

Why, why, why did you think my Sacred Chair would be a good launching pad for you stunts? And didn't you notice the proximity of the coffee table to said Sacred Chair?

Why, why, why did you feel compelled to created a tsunami in the bathtub that soaked half the bathroom?

Why, why, why did you have to recreate the battle of Mordor with Lego in the family room and why for the love of all that is good and holy could you not clean up the carnage before I made a barefoot discovery of the battle scene?

Why, why, why did you think setting off your fizzy popper in the kitchen was a good idea?

And finally ....

Why, why, why do you look and me with those twinkly eyes and funny little smiles that make me forget the mayhem and hug you and love you to bits instead?

Your forever and always,

Mom

Did you know that childhood is the only time in our lives when insanity is not only permitted to us, but expected?
~Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Back in the Saddle

A new day, a new attitude.

Treatment didn't happen this week and although the change of plans was difficult for this hyper-planner to deal with at first, I'm so glad things worked out the way they did. Having this week off treatment has left me time to get a few things done and have a few cool experiences with the kids that I would have missed otherwise. It was like winning the Healthy Me Lotto; I was given this extra week of feeling good between appointments and so far, I've made the most of it.

I have loved the little moments of sitting with Crafty and talking about school and seeing Mischief's crazy excitement after he caught a passel of butterflies with the neighbors. I have enjoyed going out for coffee with a friend, volunteering at church and taking a drive in to the city with Mr. Awesome but nothing compares to yesterday evening!

Dude is back at Keen Ridge this spring, but instead of just participating in the Equine Therapy during the day, he is going out there once a week in the evenings for riding lessons. He couldn't be more excited to have the opportunity to actually RIDE the horses but he's also been disappointed that I've not been well enough to go out to the arena to watch him. This week, my Lotto week, that all changed!

Yesterday after super we packed our crew into the van and headed out to Keen Ridge for Dude's lesson. He chatted the whole way there about how cool his horse is, how much he's learning and what an awesome teacher Terry is (even though she's a girl and really, really pregnant!). We had barely stopped the van before he jumped out and raced to the door of the arena, pausing for only a moment to pet his favourite dog along the way.

Mr. Awesome and I had a seat in 'The Cage' and watched for nearly two hours as Dude groomed, saddled and guided his horse (Skitty) through different exercises. He rode around and around the arena, pausing often to make sure we were getting pictures of him and his horse pal. We were amazed at how calm, in control and responsive to correction Dude was while he was in the saddle. All of his normal anxiety and defensiveness seemed to melt away as Terry taught him how to build trust with Skitty so that she would respond to his direction.

On the way home, Dude recounted every moment of the lesson with excited detail. When I asked him if it felt good to be in control, he answered, "I'm not really in control. Skitty and I are partners, we have to trust each other."

That reminded me of how anxious and grumpy I had been earlier in the week. My whole attitude crappy because I wasn't in control, but I don't need to be in control. I just need to remember to do my part, stay positive, take care of myself and keep moving forward, and let the doctors and nurses (and most importantly, God) do their thing. I need to trust.

It's good to feel like myself, to be back in the saddle again!

Horses and children, I often think, have a lot of the good sense there is in the world. ~Josephine Demott Robinson


For more information on Keen Ridge click here or here.

An End of An Era

Today our 19 month Hair Saga has come to an end. In the fall of 2010, Dude decided to let his already unruly locks keep growing; his plan was to grow out his hair and donate it to make a wig for a kid in need. As I've written before, this has been a bumpy road for him but he has always held fast to his conviction that he was doing the right thing; he was growing extra hair for some kid who couldn't grow any hair at all.

This morning, fighting waves of nervous nausea, Dude entered his school to face the clippers. I was worried for him; I was concerned that nerves would get the better of him and he'd feel overwhelmed and back out. I was worried that we had planned this big assembly and that none of the kids would care. It turns out all my worry was for nothing. As I walked down the hallway with Dude his friends and classmates started calling out his name, some chanting for him, many high-fiving him and a few girls were brave enough to approach him and touch his luscious locks for one last time.



The kids at the assmbley



"Dude, you're a rock star!" I said, in awe. He shrugged and said, "Y'know how it is."

 Before The Big Cut, I took a before picture of Dude and his pal, Colton (the other brave soul who was donating his locks today), gave them both a high five and wished them well. Within half an hour this two hippy boys were transformed into two hip young men, to the hoots and applause of their classmates. Aside from donating their hair the boys, and their school, raised well over one thousand dollars for Angel Hair for Kids.

Once the assembly was over, Dude walked us to the doors to say good bye. We told him how proud we are of him and what an example he is. He looked down the hall, watching his friends move into their next classes, and laughed.

"I did this. This whole thing today was because I had the idea that I could give my hair away. It was just an idea!"

"It was an idea you shared and from that idea other people were inspired to help out too ... that's how people change the world and make a difference," I said.

"That's cool and it wasn't even that hard to do!" he smiled, said good-bye and headed down the hall to his class. I stood there for a second and marvelled at this young man who I have the privilege to raise and the amazing friends he has surrounding him and cheering him on.

These boys are rock stars and heroes, they are compassionate souls and inspirations, they are magnificent. I am so proud of them and their friends for understanding that one kid with a head of hair, a pocket full of coins and a caring heart can make a real difference.

I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do. ~Edward Everett Hale

Aware!

Yesterday was World Autism Awareness Day ... or something like that. It was kind of cool to see Facebook and Twitter light up with blue puzzle pieces and stories of exceptional people, thriving though on The Spectrum. Hearing all those success stories made me a little nostalgic and I started thinking about the journey we've been on with our kids; this crazy ride called Autism.

I have written before about how chaotic and stressful our life was during those early years of Autism and how much Dude has grown and matured but it still amazes me. I am in awe of how much he's learned and how independent he is getting. We hear often from his team at the school about how good he is at speaking up for himself and communicating his needs. The strategies we have spent years teaching him are becoming second nature to him.

We are also seeing how his Asperger focus is enabling him to excel in certain areas of his life. His obsession with Lego and building is turning into a real skill of understanding balance, perspective and basic engineering principles as he constructions towers, buildings and structures in our basement. Even his sensory sensitivity, which was once a huge obstacle to every day living, has steered him towards activities that he he seems to have a natural ability in, like swimming, curling and drumming. His love for science drives him to discover how our planet works, how things like light and sound travel and how the ocean affects all life. His mind is an amazing thing.

What I also find amazing is the friends that are emerging in his life. Making friends has always been a bit of a rocky road but recently there have been these wonderful, open minded and accepting kids who have welcomed Dude as one of their own. They accept his quirks, try to guide him through some of his awkwardness and understand his 'rudeness' is just the truth as he sees it. They praise his talents and engage him in conversation about his interests. They also have taught him that he needs to be a friend if he wants to have a friend, so he asks about them and gets excited for their successes.

When I look at my beautiful twelve year old boy I am aware that we have come a long way. I am also aware that we still have a fair stretch to go. I am aware that people are amazing and that Asperger's doesn't have to limiting, it can be a gift.

Here's a video about an extremely talented surfer who found his normal on top of the waves ...

"I see people with Asperger's syndrome as a bright thread in the rich tapestry of life"

- Tony Attwood.

The Beat of a Generous Heart

One of my favourite things in life is meeting people who use their talents and passions to give to others. It inspires me to see people who notice others and actively look for ways to help out and encourage as many people as they can; just witnessing these random acts of kindness motivates me to do more, to be better.

I have been blessed many times by people who have gone above and beyond. I have received several cups of coffeejuice, paid for by a generous soul in line ahead of me. We've been blessed with meals, clothes for our kids and much needed household items by friends and strangers who have randomly and generously dropped these things off on our doorstep. And recently a friend gifted to me a free haircut so I wouldn't have to worry about my hair falling out in long chunks.

All of these things have been amazing, timely gifts that have filled a need and each time we have been blessed we have looked for a way to pay it forward, pass on our blessing to someone else. Giving to others can become addicting. The sense of goodness and peace that fills your heart when you know that you have helped someone else out is intoxicating; there's nothing like it!

This week an unbelievably kind stranger blessed Dude in a way that I could never have imagined and I can't wait to find a way to pay this whopper forward!

Dude loves science, Lego and Harry Potter. Dude also loves music. He is constantly singing, dancing or 'air drumming'; its his way to unwind, decompress from a stressful day and to celebrate a great day. Before our move he was taking drum and bagpipe lessons but since our move we've been unable to work out a way to continue the lessons. Mr. Awesome and I have talked a lot recently about finding something to boost Dude out of the slump he's been in since my diagnosis and with his birthday being this week I took to Kijiji to do a little research.

Dude has wanted a drum kit for years but those things can be really expensive so we've never been able to get one for him. On Sunday night I logged on to the computer and clicked over to Kijiji to see what price range we'd be looking at for a used kit. I didn't really have a hope of getting one for Dude for his birthday; I was just fantasy shopping but when I searched 'drum kit' the first ad that popped up was for a vintage refurbished kit that some guy wanted to give away.

It seemed too good to be true but there it was. Apparently the ad poster had refurbished a kit and was looking to give it away to a kid who really wanted to learn how to play but whose family couldn't necessarily afford to buy a kit. I immediately contacted the poster with the unbelievable tale of what our life has been for the last six months. I also told the guy that regardless of whether he chose Dude or not that I thought that this was an amazing thing he was doing.

The first thing the next morning, Dude's 12th birthday, Ryan, the ad poster, called me to say that he wanted to give the kit to Dude! I totally could not believe it and I started rambling and blubbering on the phone but somehow I was coherent enough to arrange to meet the next day so we could pick up the kit. That night, when we told Dude that a very generous stranger was making one of his wishes come true he totally could not believe it. In fact, he said, "Seriously? Is this for real?" at least a dozen times throughout the evening.

The next morning, when we met Ryan and got to talking to him we were blown away by his open heart and generous nature. Ryan runs a music school and is involved with an organization that gives Bibles away to just about anyone who needs or wants one and he refurbishes vintage drum kits in his spare time. During our conversation we learned that this is the first kit he's finished and given away but he really wants to do this more often. He said he had about 60 responses to his Kijiji post and he would love to help out other music loving kids.

This is the part when I get to start paying it forward; I'd love to help Ryan make other kids' musical dreams come true, but I need your help. Ryan is looking for drum kits to refurbish and pass on to other kids on his list, so if you have a kit, or know someone who has a kit, and you would like to donate it to Ryan please contact me at Some Random Mother with your info and I'll connect you to Ryan. If you don't have a kit but you would like to help Ryan's cause out financially you can contact me and I'll pass along his mailing address.

I think Ryan is an exceptional human being and he has made Dude happier than I've seen him in months. He has also reminded me kindness is never wasted and that you never know what blessings await you when you open your heart to others!

"Ryan is my favourite name, my favourite person! I want to be a Ryan when I grow up!"
~Dude, from behind his new drum kit

Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful Boy

Twelve years ago my world was turned upside down but somehow everything suddenly made perfect sense. Twelve years ago today Dude eased into the world and changed everything. Twelve years ago today I began to understand the depth of unconditional love, the art of finding joy in the midst of trials and the gift of making every moment of success a moment to celebrate.

Dude, dragonboat race 2011

Each of my kids are brilliant and unique. They have each taught me about life from their perspective but there's something about Dude and how his mind works that has totally changed everything about how I see the world. He has opened my closed mind and forced me past my limits of comfort. He inspires me, frustrates me, challenges me and educates me; on a moment by moment basis most days.

I have never met anyone so unwavering once they make a decision. Dude sets his course and nothing short of divine intervention can deter him, for better or for worse. From something as minor as deciding on what he'll be for Halloween to something more involved like joining cadets or pursuing his passion for science. He has taught me the value of being focused and single minded.

Dude also has an incredible imagination. Whether he is making up stories, creating a Lego universe or dreaming up inventions, there are no limits to where his mind will take him. His room is littered with random sketches of improvements to household items, plans for future Lego projects and strategic battle plans for his army guys. He dreams and schemes and plans constantly and I love that he excitedly shares his creativity with anyone who will take the time to listen.

There are a million things to love about this kid but one of my very favourite things about him is his relentless pursuit of becoming a better person. Social skills don't come naturally to him; he has to work and study very hard to make sense of what comes so easily to most of us but he does, with very little complaining. He is constantly asking us what slang and metaphors mean, how to read body language and how to communicate what he's feeling appropriately. He spends a lot of time puzzling out how to show kindness and empathy, what it means to be a good friend and how he can better love the people in his world. This piece, this learning how to be human, has been the greatest gift to me.

Because of all the time I spend decoding and explaining social intricacies to him I have become more aware of the message I am putting out into the world. I have become more deliberate in how I communicate and kinder in what I communicate. I am constantly aware that not only is Dude watching me for cues but that my words and actions can have a lasting impact on others. I try very hard to make sure that what I show on the outside is true to the kind of person I am on the inside and that my Inside Person is the best person I can be.

I learned so much from Dude in these twelve years. I've learned to take the time to laugh at what is funny and not waste time crying over what doesn't matter. I've learned to see the beauty in a shark swimming through the cool ocean depths, to see the miracle of a rocket ship in flight and the wonder of special effects in movies. I've learned that there's no such thing as normal, that nothing is impossible if you have a curious mind and a willing heart and that there is no sadness so deep that 30 minutes with Mr. Bean can't fix.

I've learned to persevere, to hold on to hope and to see past the impossible to the miracle just waiting to be discovered. I've learned that a smile brings the same joy no matter what the diagnosis and that stupidity is a condition of ignorance not of brain function. I've learned that growth and change and progress happen continually and that we never have to be a person we don't want to be as long as we are willing to learn from others.

I can't believe its been twelve years since I first met him, held him and recognized him as my own. Twelve years has gone by so fast and yet I still have a lifetime to know and discover this curious creature, this beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy.

The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination.

~Albert Einstein

A Hairy Situation

Yesterday, while I was trolling Pinterest, I came across an article about a kid who had been suspended from school because of his hair, rather the length of his hair. Turns out this kid, who wis a cancer survivor himself, was growing his hair out to donate to Locks of Love but his school has a policy in its dress code that requires all male students to keep their hair clean, tidy and above the collar.

I found this article interesting because we are knee deep in a similar situation. Well, about 9 inches deep. Dude has been growing his hair out for a little more than a year for the same purpose, only his school has been great about this.

Dude has never liked haircuts. He says he can hear the hairs being cut and he doesn't like how the hair dresser combs his hair opposite of how it naturally grows. For years we had a twice-a-year-no-fight, agreement with him; at the beginning of summer and just before Christmas he had to get his hair cut with no arguments, whining or fighting. The arrangement worked nicely for us for years, he went from shaggy to shaved twice a year and that was good enough for us.

In the fall of 2010, Mr. Awesome competed with his dragon boat team in support of cancer research. At the races we saw several teams of bald paddlers and the kids started asking questions. We explained that with cancer, sometimes the medicine they give you to get better causes you to lose your hair and that a popular fundraiser for this event is a sponsored head shave. We also talked about how people can grow their hair out pretty long and then cut it and donate it so wigs can be made for people who need them. That was the end of the conversation until December 2010.

Just before Christmas that year Dude told us he was willing to get his annual Christmas cut but that would be the last one for a while because he was planning on growing his hair out to donate. We said, "sure, sure," took him for his cut and went on with life. When June rolled around, we asked him how short he wanted to cut his hair for the summer and he reminded us of his plans; grow, cut and donate.

He has stuck to this plan for 14 months. He has tolerated teasing, ignorant comments and harassment from students at his school. There have been countless days when he has come home from school very upset because people have called him a girl, told him he's pretty or made other, harsher comments about his appearance. Each time we have asked him if he wanted to cut his hair. We've told him there are other ways to raise money and help out. Each time he told us he wanted to stick to his plan, despite everything that was happening at school.



Dude and his Locks
 October 2011

 His beautiful honey brown locks are nearly long enough now and he can't wait to get on with this. He's had a tough couple of weeks with some of the kids at school recently, tough enough where he was ready to throw in the towel last week but he's hanging on. I'm proud of him for his perseverance and his compassion. I am proud that he can see that a situation is bigger than himself and that his discomfort now will help relive the discomfort of a sick kid soon enough. I am proud of his dedication to do his part to help someone else out.

We are working on planning some kind of fundraiser for The Big Cut. During our research we discovered that it takes 10 -12 donations of hair and more than $1000 to make one wig. Dude hopes to inspire a few more people to donate their hair, maybe even enough to make one full wig, and to raise enough money to cover the cost of making the wig. Stay tuned for more details on the fundraiser!


One last thing, I do want to say that its not been all bad for Dude at school ... the long, rocker-locks are a big hit with the ladies and he's kind of digging that!


Long, beautiful, gleaming, steaming, flaxen, waxen... I adore hair!
~James Rado and Gerome Ragni, Hair