Chasing Rainbow Unicorns

The biggest hurts and heartaches I've ever experienced have been within the walls of the church.

And so have the greatest healings.

I am a church girl through and through. I was the first baby born into a brand new church my teen-mom found her way to in the final months of her pregnancy. I gave my heart to Jesus in Sunday School when I was four years old along side my cousin with my aunt/Sunday School teacher guiding us along the way. I attended private Christian school, youth group and Bible camp. I went on short term mission trips, picketed abortion clinics and handed out sandwiches to the homeless. I have been a Sunday School teacher, youth group leader, passion play director, Bible Study facilitator, greeter, bookstore volunteer and - for a short time - a pastor.

I am a church girl through and through.

Along the way I have been over looked, judged, bullied, embarrassed, mocked, wrongly accused and shut out by the very people I counted on to include me and accept me. I was told that I didn't have the right skills, I associated with the wrong people, I cared about the wrong things, I wasn't cool enough, pretty enough, young enough - or I was too young, too edgy, too bold. I was too much and not enough at the same time.

I was hurt and angry and bitter. I was consumed by all the ways I was wrong and neglected the ways I was right, the people who were loving and good and the opportunities I had to just be me. I focused on my disappointment and began to judge the church - leadership, structures, programs and people - harshly. The more I judged the less I liked who I was but instead of dealing with me I blamed them.

I spent a lot of time dreaming of The Perfect Church. I imagined what it would look like, how it would feel to walk through those doors and be loved and accepted. I thought of the programs, structures, sermons and serving opportunities that would be full of life and joy. I dreamed of the perfect youth ministry and the perfect kids ministry and the perfect way to do baptisms and testimonies. I saw a place filled with laughter and love and sunshine and hearts and butterflies and rainbow unicorns!

Yeah - rainbow unicorns. That's what the perfect anything is. It's a completely unattainable notion that you will spend your life chasing without actually ever catching it. You will waste years of your life in this pursuit of a standard that is more of a vague idea than a real, tangible thing. You will sacrifice experiences, relationships and your own peace of mind in this fruitless quest for perfection. You will waste so much and lose so much. I know because I did.

I was looking for a perfect church, a perfect marriage, a perfect family and a perfect life. I hunted everywhere but I could never find it. Sometimes I would think I saw glimpses of perfection so I would chase after it hard but it was also to no avail. I was disgruntled and never content because I knew KNEW that somewhere out there was the perfect life I craved. I was sure that perfection would be found once we had that new house, or that friendship with that popular person, or a higher pay check, or a smaller pant size, or … or  …. or  … Wherever it was, it was always just outside my reach.

I lived like this for a lot of years - desperately discontent. Then cancer happened and things changed. I had a whole lot of time alone with myself and I discovered that I was lousy company. I was critical, angry, snarky and spent most of my time complaining - if not out loud, certainly in my head and heart. During that year of healing from cancer I also began to ask God to heal my heart. I specifically remember praying and asking God to break my heart for what broke His - and He did.

He broke my heart - and my pride. At the time we were living away from our hometown and had little to do with the church I grew up in. The distance from the place and people who had hurt me made it easier for me to feel like I was better, like I was over my bitterness and disappointment. I healed from cancer and in a lot of ways my heart healed too. I loved people more and I loved more people. I loved God more and I loved His Church better. I was aware of injustice more and was compelled to respond whenever and wherever I saw it. In this time I redefined what was 'perfect' and what was 'perfect' for me. I was living a practically perfect life - and I was okay with that.

It was in this practically perfect life that I was confronted with some unfinished business. When we decided to move back to our hometown I immediately said, in no uncertain terms, I would not WOULD NOT return to the church I had grown up in. I said that I had forgiven everyone but I had moved on. I'm not the person now that I was then so I don't want to go back. Nope. No way. Not going back.

So, we're now attending the church I grew up in. The church where I was hurt, disappointed and devastated. Yeah, that church. That imperfect, mess of a place. But here's the thing. I'm an imperfect, mess of a person but I'm changing - and so are they. No one there is the same either. All of us have changed. We have all learned and we have all grown. We are all trying to do better. None of us is perfect but we are perfect enough together.

I realized that I couldn't heal properly, forgive fully, as long as I was hiding out in some other church. I couldn't really let go of my bitterness as long as I held that church at arms length. For me, I needed to learn how to genuinely and warmly greet those who hurt me the most. I had to walk the halls with them, shake their hands and learn about their lives. I had to let them out of the box I put them in so I could step out of my own box. And you know what? Not one person has apologized to me or made amends. The same leaders who escorted me out of youth group are still there - and now they teach my children. The same pastor who misjudged me is still there - and now he is friendly with Mr. Awesome. The same person who looked at me like I was less than is still there - and they are still looking at me like I'm gum on the bottom of their shoe.

Not everyone changes at the same rate and at the same time. And some people really do never change and that's their loss. It's not up to me to prove to them how much they need to change or how much I have changed. My only responsibility is to live this practically perfect life as best I can and allow others the room and grace to live their practically perfect life, too.

The other thing I learned was that people very rarely intend to hurt one another. People usually do the best they can with what they know in any given situation. They make the best decisions they can in the moment and are usually surprised when they learn how deeply that have hurt someone. I know this to be true because it's been true for me. I do the best I can to live with kindness but sometimes I miss the mark, too.

So we are back at the church and finding our way again. I'm not looking for perfection. I am looking for community - but community is messy and complicated. I will probably get hurt and disappointed again and I will surely hurt and disappoint as well. I'm human. Humans are messy and imperfect and make mistakes at an alarming rate. I will have a messy marriage, I will raise messy kids, I will have messy friendships and I will attend a messy church and I'm totally good with that.

Just like rainbow unicorns, perfection isn't real but grace is. Grace is the antidote to mess. It's the buffer to relationships and its the fertilizer of our hearts. Grace is the real thing that I don't have to hunt or chase. Grace finds me where I am and if I allow it, if I relax into it, it will flow in and out of my life leaving a Perfect Enough life in it's wake.


The meaning of life. The wasted years of life. The poor choices of life. God answers the mess of life with one word: 'grace.'

~Max Lucado

Before What Comes Next

For a good time and an uplifting read take a look at the books of Jeremiah and Lamentations - said no person ever. But I am. Not looking for a good time but reading Jeremiah and Lamentations. I committed to read the whole Bible through using a two year reading plan about two and a half years ago. So yeah, there's that. I'm late. What else is new? I may be six months behind but I am dedicated to finishing this plan. So - I'm reading Jeremiah and Lamentations.

People often dive into these books to pull out the lovely, encouraging bits like Jeremiah 29:11 (For I know the thoughts I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope) or Lamentations 3:25 (The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him) but did you know that those sweet verse are just a flash in the pan? Before Jeremiah 29:11 there are 28 chapters of doom and gloom prophecy about how Israel is going to face the natural consequences for a life lived outside of God's will. And after this hopeful glimpse there are two dozen more chapters that highlight the destruction and terror that is heading Israel's way. And in Lamentations when Jeremiah writes about God's goodness he is literally standing in the rubble that used to be God's holy city.

Reading these books have been a real eye-opener for me. I'm usually a glass half full kind of girl and if the glass happens to dip below the half way mark I tend to just ignore it and hope things will turn around. I love good news and I pretend bad news doesn't exist so I found the book of Jeremiah jarring. It's 10 to 1 bad news. Even the good news is flanked by bad news. That's no fun! Especially for me, who has grown up spiritually marinated in the promises and goodness of God and happily skipped over the messy parts of the Bible.

But here's the thing, God is in the messes too. He is in the moments of correction, the walking through consequences and in the devastating unforeseen circumstances. He is there - with us. That's the beauty of the mess. We are never alone in it. God doesn't rescue us from the circumstances because He has already rescued our hearts with His love. And that's better. Seriously, it is.

When I was a kid, I thought God was kind of like Cinderella's fairy godmother. I thought He was just waiting in the wings for things to get 'just bad enough' and then He would swoop in, change everything and rescue me. And when He didn't I was hurt, confused and angry. What kind of magical being was He if He couldn't fix my problems? How could He love me if He wouldn't change my circumstances?

I never really got an answer to those questions but somewhere along the way I decided to lock those questions and doubts in The Bad News Corner of my brain and move on. I still felt that God should be more like a fairy godmother, even if He wasn't but there wasn't anything that could be done for it so I let it go.

As I matured I understood a little better how God worked, how He loved and why He did some of the things He did. Occasionally I'd be chatting with a friend about the Bible and God and the question would come up, "If God is unchanging and so loving then what's with all the smiting in the Old Testament?" I would shrug, babble a little and then try to shift the conversation because I had no answer. I wondered what was with all the smiting, too.

This is the first time that I have read every word in Jeremiah, from start to finish and I now kind of understand what was with all the smiting and destruction. Israel took what was holy and made it unholy. They defiled the temple, the city and the countryside with false idols and pagan worship. Every good thing God had given them they distorted into something profane. God cannot be in an unholy place because He IS holy. So what option did He have?

After generations of warnings, pleadings, chances and mercy Israel was beyond repair - but not beyond redemption. God had to start fresh. He had to tear down all that was unholy to make way for His holiness once again. And in the tearing down there was some natural grief, mourning and pain - but God was still there. He stayed with His people. He watched them, comforted them and made a way for them to come back to Him. He redeemed them.

When we make dumb choices, when we are foolish and selfish and vain we defile what God has made holy. When we put selfish gain, fame, popularity or any current idol in the place of God in our lives there will be some natural consequences. We might be able to live a long time with this off kilter perspective - Israel did - but eventually loneliness, despair, greed, anger and fear will creep into your life. And it is only by tearing down that there will be room to build back up. Room for God to build you back up.

This is something I am learning. Something I am living. In order to be ready to handle what is coming next, you have to make room and prepare yourself. Tear down what is holding you back. Remove what is keeping you at a distance from where you want to be. Be okay with being unpopular. Give up your dreams of fame. Let go of your greed and self ambition and be content to work, to love, to serve, to give.

It took 70 years but God eventually rebuilt Israel. He brought them back, held them near and loved them. He gave them everything He had promised - a hope and a future. But it took time. It took walking through the hard road of captivity to freedom to rebuilding. It took learning again how to work, how to be in community, how to trust God. It took generations. But all the while God had His eye on them.

That's me. I'm Israel. I'm in my 70 years - again. I go through these times regularly. Every time God is preparing me for something new He asks me to take a look at my life, my time, my idols. He asks me to tear down, to make room. Sometimes it's easy but most of the time I struggle a bit. It's hard letting go of the life you've planned, of the things you love. It's scary. What if this is the last good thing? What if I let go and there's nothing else for me? What if I free fall?

The what ifs never happen. There's always something better waiting. There is always the next thing when I let go of the last thing. I never fall. I am always carried by God's grace and mercy and love.

Jeremiah and Lamentations are good news books, after all. They are full of hope and redemption and preparation for the next good thing. They are a reminder that God never is far away, never too far to see you, know you and love you. They are a declaration of God's hope and future and plan.

For us.

"And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity …"
Jeremiah 29:13 & 14a

The Choice and What I Know to Be True

This morning my cousin posted this picture of me and her mom on Facebook.

This is one of my all time very favourite pictures of myself. I was three years old, on a motorcycle, at my grandma's house, being held by one of the kindest people I knew - what could be better! I was perfectly blissful!

Fast forward 35 years and life is not always so blissful. I'm not three years old therefore sailor suits are no longer a viable fashion choice for me. My uncles are now all too old - I mean, mature - to ride motorcycles. My grandma passed away several years ago and with her she took her strong but soft hugs, the patented smell of dough rising in the morning that permeated her home and her top secret recipe for the perfect perogy. But I still have a life full of kind people who are willing to hold me when life gets rough.

I like to think that I like change, that I can go with the flow, that I am easily adaptable but that's just SO not true. I can adapt but its never easy or comfortable and the only time I go with the flow is when I become to exhausted to fight the current. I hate change. It makes me uncomfortable. I'm a control freak and I like knowing what comes next but that's not always possible. In fact, most times of change require you to jump into the abyss without knowing exactly where you will land.

Mr. Awesome and I are packing up our Wee Band of Renegades and returning to our home town. We've thought about this a lot and over the past year it has become clear to us that it is time to return. But let's be clear, we are returning to a familiar place but we are not going back to where we were.

So much has changed in our life during the nearly five years we have lived in this Wee Manitoba Town (oops, its a city now!). For those of you who have followed our journey, you know the trials, heart ache, difficulties and challenges we have faced. You also know the joy we have known. You know the victories, the friendships, the random hilarity we've experienced. You, Faithful Reader, know the change, the complete transformation of heart and mind, This Random Mother has undergone. You know that I am not now who I was then. I'm not. And I can't go back. I don't want to go back.

When we first made the decision to return to our hometown I went into Utter Internal Panic Mode. I was terrified that I would automatically go back to the life I had and the person I was five years ago - and I don't particular care to do that. To be honest, I stayed internally panicked for weeks until I had an epiphany; I don't have to be anyone but who I CHOOSE to be.

Now, that's no real great epiphany really but it did remind me of something I heard a wonderful author and speaker say at a conference last fall. I had the privilege of hearing Kay Warren speak about her journey as a mom of a son who committed suicide and how she could still choose joy in the midst of the most heart wrenching circumstances. She said that this decision to choose joy is made easier when you remind yourself of what you know to be true, what you knew before life broke your heart and shook your foundation. In my notes from this session I wrote, God is Faithful. He sees me. He knows me. He loves me.

That's what I know.

I know that God is faithful. Even when I can't see or understand what is coming next, He is faithful. Even when life doesn't make sense and my heart is breaking, He is faithful. Even when I can't seem to think clearly enough to make a sound decision, He is faithful. Even when the change before me is terrifying and so unknown, He is faithful.

I know that God sees me. I am not invisible. I am not insignificant. I am not expendable. My heart's desires are not trivial. I am not replaceable. I matter. He sees me.

I know that God knows me. He created me. He intricately formed me with all the gifts, talents and sense of purpose I need to do what He created me to do. He knows my strengths, my weaknesses, my insecurities and my dreams. He knows me.

I know that God loves me. I am precious to Him. I am in His thoughts, my name is inscribed on His hand, He is always watching out for me. His love for me never runs out, never gives up and is never selfish. He loves me.

This is what I know. I know that change is scary but God is faithful. I know that people judge by what they see on the outside but God sees right into my heart. I know that because He sees right into my heart, He knows everything little thing about me. And even though He knows every little thing He still loves me. Deeply, Endlessly, Unfailingly. God is Faithful.

So, what I know reminds me that even in the midst of Big Scary Change I can still choose joy. In the midst of heart ache and uncertainty, I can still choose joy. In the face of All That is Unknown, I can still choose joy because God is faithful. He sees me. He knows me. He loves me.

God is faithful.

Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life; the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be all right; and the determined choice to praise God in all things.
~Kay Warren

52 Weeks of Giving: Week Two

Peace.

That was the challenge for last week and boy was it a challenge! You'd think in this season of good cheer and hope that living a week as an intentional peace maker would be a breeze. You'd think the kids would be nothing but peaceful when they were showered with gifts and sweets for seven days straight.

You'd think. But no.

Living peace at Christmas was tough. Family commitments, crowded houses, tight time lines, lots of sugar and little sleep made an already unnatural concept seem completely unattainable. By Boxing Day (December 26) we were totally undone and Mr. Awesome and I realized that we needed to regroup - desperately - so we hunkered down in my parents' guest bedroom and had a family meeting.

We discussed the meaning of peace and why discord can so easily sneak into our relationships. We explained to the kids that Jesus promised to leave us peace because He knew that life has the tendency to be anything but peaceful. They seemed to 'get it' and I was optimistic ... for about 37 seconds. That's how long it took them to walk from the bedroom to the family room and start arguing again.

This time it didn't take a thirty minute conversation to quell the flames of irritation. This time all I did was walk into the room and ask, "Are you going to choose to be a peace maker or a peace stealer?" Immediately Mischief piped up, "A maker!" and the other two reluctantly agreed.

There were many more moments of chaos and stress during the week but having the term 'peace maker' become part of our family vocabulary made it easier to work through squabbles. With all of us understanding the meaning and importance of peace and the offer of Godly help to find peace, we were all on the same page and well ... that's a start at least.

Personally, studying peace this past week has been a much needed tune up. I have felt out of control and angry for weeks but the more I focused on the meaning of peace the more my anger, discontent and frustration melted away. The more I opened my heart to goodness, the more goodness I saw.

We're not done with peace. We are going to continue to pursue it but to our pursuit of a life of peace we are going to add this week's challenge ...

Week Two: Be Prayerful

Make a list of people you can pray for, people beyond just our family ... you can list people you know or people in far away places that might need prayer. Put the list in your bedroom and remember to pray for them each day.


1 Timothy 2:1 
I urge you then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people.

Let's Chat:

1. What does 'petition'  and  'intercession'  mean? 
2. Why do we need to pray for people and be thankful for them?
3. Can you think of a time when praying helped you?
4. Make a list of a few people to pray for, you can add to the list later if more people come to mind.



The greatest gift we can give to others is our prayers.
--unknown

Christmas: Ungrinched

I haven't posted in a while and it was intentional. I've written posts but I haven't published them. They were not the kind of thing I want to put out into the world. They were dark, complainy rants. Not exactly what you've come to expect from me.

This dark, complainy me has sucked the joy out of Christmas, too.

Usually I can't wait to deck the halls, make Christmas cards and watch a few Christmas flicks. I take extra pleasure in my fuzzy Christmas socks. I fill the house with guests and music and good cheer. I am an ambassador of Christmas. Usually.

Not this year.

This year I have cocooned myself away, grumbled about gifts, complained about cards and snarked about holiday traditions. I have given the Grinch a run for his money this year. "You're as cuddly as a cactus ... You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile ... Your soul is a dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of rubbish imaginable mangled up in tangled up knots!"  Yeah, that's about right.

I've not been enjoying this holiday season and in fact, as hard as I've tried to capture the real virtues of Christmas, y'know stuff like hope, joy, peace and goodwill, I've only succeeded in making myself (and anyone whose had the misfortune of encountering me recently) miserable with my rants on consumerism and selfishness.

So, this afternoon as I sat Christmas crafting with a very grumpy heart my iPad chimed. Someone sent me a message. When I opened it up, this is what I saw ...

Ahh ... this is it.

This is what I had forgotten. This  is what this season is all about. Its not about gifts and trees and concerts. Its not even about giving to others or spreading good cheer. Its about The Good News. Its about the moment Hope entered the world and changed everything. Its about declaring from the mountain tops and mall escalators that Christ has come and we are no longer alone or lost. We are no longer in the dark because He is the light.

So, this season, right now, know that you are not alone. Know that as dark as things may seem there is Light. Know that hope and peace and joy can, too, be yours. Know that God so loved you that He came to find you, to know you and to bring you comfort. Know that you are not alone.

I sing because I’m happy , I sing because I’m free
His eye is on the sparrow And I know He watches me (He watches me)
~Civilla D. Martin

Sunday Brunch - What Comes Next

I grew up in a church culture that spent a fair bit of time talking about 'The End Times.' People were always watching for signs, puzzling out the exact meaning of events written about in Revelations and talking about what comes next. I remember being nine or ten years old and going to a church movie night to watch a dramatic interpretation of the rapture and the events surrounding The Second Coming. It freaked the heck out of me.

Its for that reason that I have steered clear of conversations and teachings about Revelations. I believe in pre-tribulation rapture just because I don't want to be here for the messy bits but that's as far as my End Times and beyond theology goes. I figure that all that will be sorted out when I get to Heaven, after a long and full life, so there's no need to get wigged out about what may or may not happen when the end of the world comes. I'd much rather focus on what I am doing with my life here and now, what impression and impact I am leaving on those who know me, than worry about rewards and treasures in the after life.

When I started to hear chatter about a book written about a kid's visit to Heaven I internally rolled my eyes. Here we go again, people lining up to get all spooky spiritual on The Glory Train. I promised myself that I wouldn't even glance at this book in passing, never mind actually picking it up and giving it a read. That promise lasted about two weeks, until my contact at Manitoba Christian Online delivered a new stack of books for me to review. Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo was on the top of the stack.

I did my best to shove all my childhood biased aside and give the book an honest read. Turns out that was much easier than I thought. The book is far from the 'Be prepared, the end is nigh' warnings of my childhood. Its a gentle reminder that the life we lead here on Earth, the people we love and the way we spend our time and efforts, has eternal consequences; that Jesus is real and He really loves us and that the people we love remember us and are waiting for us. And for me, it was an affirmation that the Jesus I thought I knew is really the Jesus who is.

Click on the link to read my review and then go pick up a copy of Heaven is for Real for yourself ...

Heaven is for Real Book Review


I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.

              ~Jesus

Sunday Brunch

When I was a kid we used to get up early on Sunday mornings, my mom would braid and ribbon my hair and then dress me up in something frilly and floral, then we would all pile into the car and head to church. After church we would descend on Mr. Steak or Bonanza with our friends for Sunday Brunch. At the kids table the girls would colour and giggle to each other while the boys schemed pranks and imagined ploys to steal the waitresses tips.

While us kids were chatting and playing every now and then we would hear snippets of conversation from the adults table. Amid all the laughter and friendly conversation there was always an undertone of depth and purpose as they discussed the minister's sermon and other biblical matters. Once everyone had been fed, physically and spiritually, we would all head home to lazy afternoons of naps and televised sports before heading back to church for the evening service. That was my childhood Sunday.

Nowadays our Sundays are often rushed affairs of church, a quick bite with the folks and the long drive back home before the chaos of the week starts. I miss those lazy, contemplative Sundays. In the hustle and the bustle of the weekly grind it is easy to forget the value of faith and meditating on things higher than laundry, soccer practice and homework agendas.

Although I often write about the humour and trials of raising three busy kids, my faith is never far from the surface of my thoughts. I know that it is only by the grace of God and knowing His purpose for my life that I am able to not only cope with life but conquer the challenges that daily come my way. I know that if I was living this life on my own, with no hope of help from a loving God I would have gone mad or given in to the overwhelming, crushing pressure of my reality. It is really the concrete knowledge of Jesus Christ that sustains me; knowing His peace and joy and light and love gives me all I need to hold my head up and keep pushing on.

It is with this in mind that from time to time I'm going to pop in and invite you to join me for a Sunday Brunch, a time of talk, reflection and thanksgiving. I hope that those of you of faith, searching for faith or who are of no particular faith belief will feel comfortable and welcomed at my table. Sunday Brunch is a place for friends and laughter, conversation and reflection, hope and encouragement ... and all are welcome!