Say It Out Loud

This morning a friend had a conversation with her kids on the way to school. They were talking about behaviour and choices. She, like many of us, has had similar conversations in the past in an effort to get her kids to understand how every decision we make has a consequence but this morning was different. This morning she hit upon something, a truth, that they had never heard before. She tilted the conversation and looked at this issue from a different angle.

"How different would your choices be if they were said out loud and in front of those you love? For example, I am thinking I will start doing drugs, I am going to flirt with another man other than your dad, I will closet eat, going to look at pornography today, Today I plan on lying to you ... "

When I heard about this conversation I was stunned. I had never thought about my behaviour in this light before. I had never stopped to think about how much of my life would be affected, how many things I would change, if I had to declare my actions and intentions first.

When Dude was wee he used to give us a moment by moment account of his actions, "I am playing with the red car. I am going to have a drink of water. I am building a tower. I am going pee." We used to tell him all the time it wasn't necessary to tell us every little thing he was doing but maybe it is?

It comes down to accountability, right? If we all realised that we really are accountable for our actions, for the impact our decisions have on those around us would we still lie, cheat, gossip and steal? If we were required to say aloud our intentions before our actions would we still follow through?

I'm going to try something today. Just for the next twenty four hours I am going to say out loud what I am about to do, especially if my actions will affect someone else. I don't need an audience, I think hearing the words and the projected consequence will be enough for me, enough to make me stop and think about the big picture. I am going to be accountable to myself, no more lying, cheating, stealing or hiding from me ... I am going to shine a light into my own heart, even if I don't like what I might see hiding in there.

I'm going to say it, see it and change it. I'm going to say it out loud ... will you?

While we are free to chose our actions we are not free to chose the consequences of our actions.
~Stephen R. Covey

Thanks L.H.

More than Just Numbers

This past weekend was a big weekend. It was the tenth anniversary of the terror attacks against the US in New York, Washington and Pennsylvania.

On September 11, 2001 I sat on my living room couch in our small basement apartment and watched the events of the morning unfold. Dude was 18 months old I was pregnant with Crafty. Mr. Awesome was working in Northern Manitoba and as soon as I heard about the first plane I called him to see if he was watching the news. We sat on the phone together for more than three hours, mostly in stunned silence as we watched plane hit building, people running into the streets, people jumping from buildings and finally, we watched as the World Trade Centre fell.

2, 977 people died that day. Office workers, delivery people, tourists, police officers, fire fighters, rescue workers ... people just going about their days, doing their jobs. People who never suspected that September 11, 2001 would be their last day. People we never knew but people we'll never forget.

This weekend was also a big deal for this Random Family because we took part in Dragonboat Races. Mr. Awesome is on a Dragonboat Team, Blew By U. He spends the year rasing money with his teammates for the Canadian Cancer Society and every year on the weekend after September long weekend he races for a cure. 130 teams participate in this weekend. Its a competition but it is also a weekend to celebrate those who have fought, won and lost battles with cancer.

In 2011, it is predicted that 70,000 people in Canada will die from cancer and cancer related illness. More than 170,00 Canadians will be diagnosed with cancer this year. Office workers, delievery people, teachers, bus drivers, rescue personnel, mothers, fathers, friends, children ... people we know ... people we love ... people we will never forget.

As we stood on the banks of Lake Shirley on Sunday afternoon and paid tribute to those fighters we have all known and lost, I thought about the global televised event that was taking place at the same time, the 9/11 memorial service. I thought about the contrast, the millions of viewers commemorating 3,000 lives and the few hundred paddlers and spectators remembering the thousands of lives lost every years.

I'm not saying that there was anything wrong with the way any of those lives were remembered, the numbers just got to me. What got to me more was knowing that in a year from now the lives lost on 9/11/2001 will be the same but tens of thousand will be added to the number of lives that cancer has stolen.

If you want to help out, if you want to stand with those who are fighting personal cancer battles, if you want to be added to the list of cure-finders please give. Donate, Fundraise, Join a Team ...

Canadian Cancer Society

If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or fight like hell.
~Lance Armstrong

Say Something ... More

Since starting this blog more than a year ago I have become very aware that words, all words, carry weight. They make an impact, they have staying power and you can't take them back. What has been said cannot be unsaid and you, the sayer has no control of how those words will be interpreted by others ... I have learned that the hard way. Its for that reason that I measure, very carefully, what I say here.

I feel blessed that you all take a few minutes out of your busy day to check in to see what I have to say each day and I feel doubly blessed when I hear that you enjoyed the piece, that it made you think or touched your heart in some way. You have trusted me with a little portion of your day, a tiny corner of your mind and I want to make the most and the best of that opportunity.

When I started to think about this blog, this platform and all the other opportunities that have come from it I realised I had a choice to make about how I was going to use all of this, what kind of message I was going to send. Its so easy to be flippant, rude and negative; easy and usually funny, but did I want the cheap laughs or did I want to craft something more?

More takes work. More requires forethought, filtering and intention. More can be a mental drag but I knew I could not live with myself for long if I settled for less. What I didn't realize at first is that being more, saying more, doesn't have to be sappy, intense and serious all the time. More can be fun, light hearted and leave people feeling really good. More is just the thing that gives your words and actions intent and depth.

My pal, Urban Princess, posted this video on her blog for her day job. I'm stealing it and I'm putting a little challenge out there ... say something more. Today and in the days to come say something to someone that is just a little more and I would LOVE it if you left a comment here or on my facebook page (Some Random Mother on Facebook), something more for the other readers to enjoy. It can be as simple as a 'howdy' or as long as a favourite quote or song lyric ... something that will make someone smile and feel good about themselves today.

Always be a little kinder than necessary. ~James M. Barrie

First Day Jitters

Today is Christmas morning!

Its not, but it kind of is. Its almost the same thing though. You are full of anticipation in the days leading up to it, you get a bunch of clothes you didn't really want and before you know it its all over. It's the first day of school!

This Random Bunch handled the morning like champs. Everyone got up and did their thing and made it school on time; no tears, no fuss ... let's hope everyday goes this smoothly. Dude sauntered into the middle school like a pro, flipping his golden locks as he passed a group of seventh grade girls who were hanging out by the door. Crafty found a gaggle of girls and they cackled their way into their classrooms as soon as the bell rung and Mischief gave me kisses and said good bye at least half a dozen times. I think he forgot he was just going into grade two and not off to war!

This year was more of the same for my crew but my cousin's son is entering the unknown world of high school this year. This morning C shaped his faux-hawk, grabbed an armload of binders and marched himself into the hormone crazed hallways of High School. I can't believe it! I can't believe that that chubby little baby, that sweet toddler boy, that mischievous little guy has grown into this funny, generous, confident and kind pre-man! I'm sure he'll do great today!

I remember my first day of high school. I was so worried that I wouldn't know anyone and I would be condemned to wander the halls alone for all eternity ... but it all worked out, eventually. I think the key was calming down enough to make a decent first impression. I was very careful to not let all my dorkdom out at once and I think that helped. But sometimes, when you are making a first impression, its not your dorkiness you have to worry about ... its your family's!

Hope your first day was better than this poor guy's, C!

Happy First Day of School, Everyone!

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You!
~Dr. Suess

And There it Was ... Gone

Summer, that is.

Just two short months ago I was staring into the abyss of summer vacation and now its over. I have been annoying the kids for days now with my humming, dancing and general giddiness over the start of the new school year. They are sick of their new school supplies, indoor shoes and first day of school outfits and they haven't even used any of it yet! I can't help it ... I love this time of the year!

I have to admit that there is a bit of false bravado in all my joy, though. As happy as I am to get back into a routine and have a little more time to myself I will miss those lazy days of summer ... well, some of them at least (I will not miss the hot ones!). I loved our sleep ins, movie marathons, backyard antics and late nights around the bonfire. I will miss having my buddies around to keep me company, make me laugh and make me stop and enjoy life a little more. I know I'll be a little lonely but it'll be a good kind of lonely.

 As of this afternoon all of the kids have been to school, met their teachers and dropped off their school supplies. Each one approached these transition days with a very different attitude from the others. Mischief was excited to be with all his pals again. His whole class is moving to grade two together, same teacher, same friends, new classroom; all the good and none of the bad, as he said this morning.

Crafty was a little more cautious. She has a new teacher and only a couple of her pals from last year are in her class this year. I expected her to be a little pessimistic when I picked her up at the end of her day but she wasn't. She was excited about her teacher and for some of the new things that will be happening this year.

Dude was less than thrilled about the end of summer and the beginning of the school year. He declared that his transition meeting was "so not worth putting proper pants on for" and grumbled about how he didn't get to do anything fun this summer. Don't get the wrong idea, the kid really likes his teacher, is looking forward to seeing his pals and doesn't mind the idea of learning ... he just wishes he could do all of that from the comfort of his bedroom or better yet, poolside.

Whatever their feelings about the school year are right now I know this for sure, they are all growing and changing so fast. I marvel at the people they are becoming and I celebrate the confidence and independence they are attaining. I also celebrate the school doors closing behind them tomorrow morning at 9 am!

Labor Day is a glorious holiday because your child will be going back to school the next day. It would have been called Independence Day, but that name was already taken.
~Bill Dodds

Parental Discretion

When I was a kid I wasn't allowed to watch Smurfs or Carebears. I also wasn't allowed to watch ET, Gremlins and Goonies. We didn't have video games, pop music or gossip magazines in our house. I couldn't decorate my room with posters of TV stars or my favourite bands ... it was all animal pictures and inspirational quotes for me.

At the time I just thought my parents liked to say no all the time but now that I am a parent I get what they were trying to do. They were trying to protect my heart and mind. They were trying to keep my a child rather than allowing me to rush headlong into adolescents before my time. They were attempting to set boundaries and frame what is acceptable so that when I did become a teen I could make more right decisions for myself.

Mr. Awesome and I have spent a lot of time trying to find the right balance for our kids. We don't want to raise them in a bubble but we also want them to run wild. We have narrowed down our parameters of acceptable behaviour, talk and respect and have reigned in the outside influences accordingly. We know, that for our kids, most of the shows on a popular channel for families are not appropriate. The disrespect to adults, hyper-dating undertones and insult flinging is just more than our kids need to be exposed to right now so we encourage them to watch movies or science based shows like the ones on Discovery channel.

That's what lead to this conversation...

Gran - (hearing gunshots coming from the TV in the next room) What is Dude watching in there?

Random One - Something on Discovery (I listen for a second) sounds like Sons of Guns.

Gran -  (slightly appalled) Why is he watching that?

Random One - Because he's not allowed to watch Zac and Cody.

Gran - he's not allowed to watch ... but he's allowed to watch ... oh my, this is one for the blog!

Seriously, I know that the kids will bend the rules when we're not looking, heck, they'll even break a few along the way. I did. I watched Smurfs at a friends house, hid NKOTB tapes in my heat vent and had pictures of Tommy Puett and Wil Wheaton behind the kitten posters. The thing is, when the important moments came, the smoking, drinking, dating moments I knew what to do. I knew what I wanted to do, what my parents expected me to do, because of all of the other conversations we had had about standards and boundaries. I made the right decisions for me because I was prepared.

So, I hope all the conversations we have with the kids now about good attitudes, dating readiness and peer pressure pay off in the years to come. More than that, I hope all of these conversations set the path and open the door for tougher conversations in the future. I hope that our kids get used to talking to us about things that matter so that it will be second nature to come to mom and dad when we hit the big league issues.

I hope ...

PS - I never did watch ET, Mom ... that was your other kid! :-)

The child supplies the power but the parents have to do the steering.
~Benjamin Spock, Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care

It's No Big Deal

Every summer since Dude was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome we have written a 'book' about what Asperger's is and what it means to him. At first I used it as a tool for him to better understand what this diagnosis meant to him but now we use it as an introduction to new teachers and as a way of marking his development.

Last night, Dude and I sat down to finish off his 2011 book. This year we modelled after an Important Book. I asked him to list off ten things that he felt were important about him. He mentioned his family, friends and pets then he rattled off his favorite school subject, toy, movie and food. Then he added Asperger's and ADHD to his list.

We often talk about Asperger's but we hardly ever discuss ADHD. He knows that's part of the deal with him and he is an active participant in deciding whether medication works for him and how much but we rarely tell other people about it. The few times I have mentioned it I have found very strong opinions tossed back at me. People are very firm about their stance on ADHD being over diagnosed and that medication is an unnecessary and dangerous crutch schools use so they don't have to deal with active kids.

We disagree.

Maybe there is an element of unnecessary diagnosis and medication but for us ADHD is a real thing. Dude has struggled for years with his inability to focus and control his impulses. When he was seven years old he would cry, heart broken, that he had done something impulsively that he didn't really want to do. he would cry and cry and say he wanted to die. That's when, after a long conversation with his specialist, that we decided medication may be appropriate for him.

Under the doctor's supervision and with a lot of feedback from Dude we eventually found the meds and the dosage that works for him. His performance in school and his ability to make and maintain friendship has seen an unbelievable improvement. He feels so much better about himself, more confident and in control, more 'normal'.

Even though we don't make a big deal about ADHD or the medication, like I said, we don't talk about it so I was surprised when he included it in the list of important things. When I asked him if he was sure about adding that section in the book he said he was.

"I have ADHD, its no big deal. I take a pill every day to slow my brain down so I don't feel out of control, no big deal. It's like Asperger's, it's just part of what makes me me. Sometimes I like my fast brain but not when I'm at school or around people I don't know so I take my pill and it helps. No big deal."

I couldn't have been more proud or more in awe of him in that moment. I didn't realize how hung up I was about that part of his diagnosis until then. In my mind I was making a bigger deal of ADHD and the meds than I needed too. I was letting other people's opinions and flippant remarks affect me but Dude hit the nail on the head. Everything he said is true, ADHD and our decision to give him medication to help the part of ADHD that bothers him is just a part of who he is just like Asperger's, Lego, Science and his huge heart.

It's no big deal.

Acceptance is not love. You love a person because he or she has lovable traits, but you accept everybody just because they're alive and human.
~Albert Ellis