A Group Project

I've never been a huge fan of group projects. I like the idea of them but the reality hardly ever resembles the idea. When I was a kid and the teacher announced that we would be doing a group project I would experience a brief moment of hope and excitement at the thought of working with my friends to complete a project in perfect unity thus attaining high grades and a closer connection with each other in one fell swoop. This optimistic moment would only last for a few seconds before my guts would twist with dread and anxiety.

What if no one chose me for their group? What if I got stuck working with the kid who never bathes or the one whose homework always looks like it was sent through the garburator before being handed in? What if no one liked my ideas? What if they wouldn't let me help? Or what if I get stuck doing all the work? 

Even writing this now I am feeling anxious as I remember the group projects gone wrong from my childhood. Times when work wasn't done, when bickering caused the group to disintegrate, when I was kicked out of the group, when I wanted to kick someone else out of the group, when I did get stuck working with the kid that never bathed and our project looked like it had been sent through the garburator. But there were other times, times when everything went right and it was magic.

I failed my grade twelve English Lit class. It's true. I did. At first I thought it was the worst - and most humiliating - thing to ever happen in the history of the world but it turned out to be one of the greatest gifts of my life. Because I failed the English Lit course in my first semester I had to take it again during the second semester and then take my English option course at night school. I ended up getting into an option course at the university and I loved it. My second semester English Lit course was filled with other 'failures', oddballs and ESL students ... and it was marvellous! Both classes were filled with back to back group projects which translated into new and interesting friendships, unique projects and fantastic grades.

Through that one course failure a door was opened for me to learn about the beauty of relying on friends, opening my creative process to others for support, encouragement and ideas and that if I want it done right I don't need to do it myself. In fact, if I want it done right, I need to trust the opinions, talents and abilities of others. I learned that group projects are fantastic!

I learned all this as a teen but somehow through my adults years some of these truths have faded away. I've forgotten how exhilarating it can be to share ideas and strategies with others. I forgot how fast friendships can form while working on a project together. I forgot how much sweeter the sense of accomplishment is when it's shared.

As many of you know, last summer I wrote a book. It's an inspirational book based on my own life experiences. I've spent the last several months trying to figure out how to publish it. I've looked into getting an agent and submitting my manuscript through traditional routes. I've also looked into self-publishing. I've chatted with friends, fellow writers and industry professionals and I've spent a lot of time praying about what's next. Sadly, for me, there was no divine sign or moment of clarity so I'm just giving this a go. I'd like to self publish this book but I can't do it on my own. Every time I've started to save up the cash to pay for the printing fees some other regular life issue pops up and my little stash of cash diminishes. So, I've turned this into a group project.

Many of you have been supportive and encouraging through my blogging years beyond my expectations. Your kind words have been a balm to my soul and in my darkest days have shone a little light into my life and I thank you for that. I feel as awkward as heck asking for more from you but here it goes ... 

I've opened an account with an online fundraising site. My goal is to raise $4,000 to publish my book and order extra copies to donate to Siloam Mission in Winnipeg, Manitoba and Teen Challenge. If you'd like to donate towards getting my book published you can go to Go Fund Me to view my profile and donate. I also invite you to click over there to read a chapter from my book, just to get a feel for what I've written.

Thank you for being in my group ... whether your contribution is a kind word, a message of support or a financial donation I appreciate it greatly. I love being in this Group Project called life with you!

Individually we are one drop. Together we are an ocean.

~Ryunosuke Satoro

38 Complete

Today I completed my 38th year of life.

I'm pretty stoked about that because I'm not always great at finishing things. I've written before about how I am easily inspired and often start a project with grand ideas. But usually by the halfway point, right around the time when things become more like work and less like fun, my enthusiasm fizzles and I bail, leaving projects either incomplete or hastily thrown together. Because of this chronic lack of follow through I tend to be very hard on myself. My inner dialogue regarding this less than desirable character trait is pretty harsh and ugly, but last night I stopped the conversation.

Last night, as I started drifting off to sleep with the list of all my unfinished work swirling around my brain, I had an epiphany. 38 times I've started a year and 38 times I've finished the year. I have started and finished 38 years, that's 1,976 weeks. 13, 832 days. That might not seem like much to be proud of at first thought but it is.

38 times I have looked a new year in the face and agreed to give it a go. 38 times I have journeyed through the year ... sometimes with smooth sailing, sometimes slogging it uphill the whole way. 38 times I have survived and thrived in whatever the year threw at me and 38 times I finished with a thankful heart.

Life is hard and messy and lovely and exhausting and wonderful and overwhelming. Life is a gift that's almost too much to bear sometimes. Unexpected things happen. Disappointments. Disease. Accidents. Heartbreak. Exhaustion. Depression. Ugliness creeps in and whispers to you to just give up, to call it quits, to allow the darkness to overtake you. But there is another voice. There is the voice of light and life and joy. The voice that reminds you that after every darkness there is light, that finishing is the best way to beat the Ugliness.

I'm proud of myself for finishing 38 years. I'm proud of my stretch marks, scars, laugh lines and extra pounds. I'm proud of the lessons I've learned during this life that I've lived. I'm proud that I know more now that I did ten years ago, that I love myself better and certainly love others better than I did then. I am proud that no matter what life has thrown at me I have stuck to it, I have stayed the course. I am proud to have crossed the finish line 38 times.

The thing is, life isn't a sprint. It's that long race on the oval track (I know, very sporty of me to know the technical jargon), the one where you pass the finish line easily at first but that doesn't mean you're done because there are many more laps. You keep running past the finish line, counting off another lap successfully completed as you continue the race. The finish line becomes less of an end point and more of a marker to how far you've come. Each time you pass it, each time you start a new lap, you sign up for more of whatever the race has for you.


If you're reading this give yourself a pat on the back because you've finished every year that you've started, too. You've not given up. You've kept on moving forward despite hardships, despite difficulties and despite whether you've felt like it or not. You've stepped into each new year, willing to give it another go, whatever may come your way. You are on the track, ticking off laps, too. Yay for you!

And, yay for me, too! 38 laps finished ... many more to go!

Here's to more love, more friends, more growth, more wisdom, more challenges, more victories, more joy, more peace, more compassion and many, many more finishes!

“Ends are not bad things, they just mean that something else is about to begin. And there are many things that don't really end, anyway, they just begin again in a new way. Ends are not bad and many ends aren't really an ending; some things are never-ending.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

What to Expect ...

I have a few friends who have recently become mothers. They were so cute during their pregnancy with their little pregnant bellies and their trendy maternity clothes. They oohed and aahed over their chic diaper bags that coordinate with their ergonomically correct strollers which are a perfect compliment to their swanky infant sling that has some kind of unpronounacable european name. They went to prenatal classes, pre-joined mommy groups, studied infant massage and read up on what to expect once they had baby in hand. Boy, did they read!

They bought books, read blogs, googled and googled some more. They became experts on what to expect but, seriously, they had no idea what they were in for! Even now, months later, with countless sleepless nights, innumerable puke stains on their strollers and a funky smell inexplicably coming from their once beautiful diaper bag, they still have no concept of what this motherhood journey is really all about. And those of us with tweens and teens laugh at them. And those with older teens and young adults laugh at us.

As I look back over my nearly 14 years of motherhood, one thing has become glaringly obvious; those first few years, the years I had studied for, planned for and read up on, those years were the easiest years of this journey ... the easiest by far. I am, by no means, discounting the adjustment, the stress and the feeling of utter inadequacy that new motherhood brings. I remember well struggling through colicky nights and unexplained fevers and rashes. And I also remember the moment by moment decision to just keep moving forward even though post partum depression was calling me to a dark, isolated place. I remember. I remember.

But what I've come to realize is that there were aspects of those days that were so easy. It was easy to create a bubble in my home. It was easy to pretend the world outside of our four, finger printed walls didn't exist. It was easy to be the gatekeeper of who and what affected our lives. Caillou was annoying so we didn't watch it, Raffi's songs gave me a headache so we didn't listen to them. Veggie Tales made us laugh so we sang those songs. Colouring was fun but play-doh was messy so we spent hours colouring and the giant box of play-doh collected dust on the shelf. Nothing existed in our world that we did not allow in.

Then came Kindergarten and everything changed. Our Wee People began to mix with other Wee People. And they learned from each other. Most of it good but some of it not so good. And that exchange of information went both ways. Fast forward a few years and you'll find me longing for simpler days.

Sure, I'm still dealing with funky smells but this time they are coming from my teen age son's room and not the diaper bag. But more than that, we're dealing with influences that can't be easily shut off or turned down. Our everyday life is filled with the unexpected, and mostly unwanted, drama that occurs when you pile 500 hormonal, impulsive teens and tweens into a building for seven hours a day, five days a week and expect them to learn.

So, to my pals with infants and toddlers, I'm going to pass along some wisdom that a few of my friends who are further along in their motherhood journey passed along to me ...

What to Expect After You've Expected

~Develop a good poker face.
     Your kids will say shocking things, do shocking things and ask shocking questions and like the old commercial says, "never let them see you sweat." Whether your kid is saying and doing to shock you or they are coming to you, looking for answers, with genuine curiosity don't let your shock/horror/confusion/panic show. Keep your wits about you and at least appear to be stoic. Keeping your emotions in check will keep the door open to future conversations. If you don't wig out, your kid is more likely to come to you first when they need advice, information or a soft place to land.

~Be honest.
    If you don't know the answer, it's okay to say you don't know. If your feelings are hurt, it's okay to tell your kid. If you're having a tough day, it's okay to let them know. Your kids don't need all the details to your life's struggles but they do need to know that disappointments, hurts and ...well, life ... happens to us all. They need to see that you can come back from a rough day, that you can be appropriate in your anger, that you can grieve, forgive and make mistakes without it being fatal.

~Being good is good enough.
     One of the best, and most freeing, things ever told to me was that I didn't need to be an exceptional mom to raise exceptional kids, I just needed to be a good mom. As moms, we can easily stress ourselves out, trying to keep up with what we perceive other moms are doing. All you need is five minutes on pinterest to convince yourself that you are an inadequate parent because you don't make baby food from scratch, you aren't 'going paleo' and you bought valentines instead of hand making them. We set unreasonable expectations for ourselves and then flog ourselves when we don't meet them. Your kids don't need the world's best mom, they just need you ... you are good enough.

~Be intentional
     If you want your kid to know something, you are actually going to have to teach them ... repeatedly. When your Wee Babe was first learning how to walk you didn't talk to them about it once, help them to stand once and then expect them to know what they were doing from that point on. You let them see you walking. You held their hand as they walked. You caught them when they stumbled and you helped them to stand again. You walked along side them. You called them to come to you. And you celebrated when they finally could walk on their own. You understood that it was a process. You understood that in order to teach your baby to walk you were going to have to model, practice, coach and be intentional with them. That process never stops. Anything that's really important, anything that is worth teaching your kids, is going to be a process. You are going to have to be purposeful when you teach them to persevere, to be selfless, to be brave, to be authentic, to be kind. You are going to have to walk them through with baby steps. You are going to have to be patient. You are going to have to be intentional.

I'm sure there's more to this sequel of What to expect but these are the chapters I'm stuck on. These are the ones I have to read over and over again before they truly sink in. These are the ones I study so that I can make it through this phase of motherhood. These are the lessons my children are teaching me. And, as hard as they are to learn, I thank my kids for having the patience to teach them to me.

There's no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.
~Vic, What to Expect When You're Expecting

Boomerang Love

So, last night it started.

At about 10pm my Facebook feed was flooded by lonely and disappointed people. It wasn't even Valentine's Day yet but scads of people were already anticipating how lonely and lost they were going to feel today. Most of the people cyber-sighing about their aloneness aren't hermits, living in their mother's basements. They are intelligent, loving and caring people who don't have that one person who thinks the sun rises and sets for them ... they have dozens of people who are thankful for the love and relationship they bring into the world.

After reading about a dozen different statuses full of lamenting and disappointment I posted this.

I tried to be as nice as I could but in truth, I was pretty frustrated. I couldn't believe so many people were so willing to overlook the love they have in their life because of the love they don't have. They were so focused on their own sense of loss that they couldn't see how their love, the love they give, is filling a hole in someone else's life. They were missing the point, love is not about how much you get, but how much you give.

The most satisfied and fulfilled I've ever felt in my life are the times when I have reached beyond myself to love someone else. I didn't wait until I felt loved and appreciated to give love. I just acted without thinking of myself and every time, without fail, I have received love in return. When I have set aside my own needs, wants and comfort and offered love and affection to someone else I have been rewarded with the same ... in spades!

A while back I was talking to a friend about the importance of leading through encouragement. She said it is impossible to give what you've never received but I don't buy that. I see examples of people giving generously from where they've never received all the time.

My Dad never knew his father therefore he has never known the protection, guidance and love of a dad yet he has always given those things freely, generously and constantly my whole life. I have a friend who was an only child, never knowing the love, companionship and mentorship of being a brother yet every week he is a Big Brother. He gives his time, wisdom and brotherly love without restraint. I know a lady who was an orphan. She never had a family of her own, never married, never had children yet she is mother and grandmother to many in her church and community. She pours out family love to everyone who has the privilege of knowing her. These people, and dozens more, prove to me that you don't have to get in order to give. And that most often you get once you've given.

Today, I challenge you to give love. Think of someone who you can love on with a note, a treat or a cup of coffee. Focus on giving love and not on getting and I promise you, you'll get exactly what you've been looking for because love is a boomerang. Once you toss it out there, it doesn't take long before it comes back to you at full force!

Love beyond yourself. Love. Love. Love.

The love we give away is the only love we keep.
~Elbert Hubbard

Healing

If there is one thing I should be an expert in but really know nothing about it's healing. A little over two years ago my body was torn apart in ways I would have never imagined possible and yet today I am whole. Cancer had infiltrated my body and the first step to health was cutting me open and removing the tumour. The cutting took about four hours. The healing took much longer.

In the days after my surgery I wondered how I would ever be whole again. I wondered if I would ever be able to laugh and play and run (okay, who are we kidding? I've never run ... not ever ... and I doubt I'll ever run. Not even if I'm chased by an axe murderer!) again. I couldn't see how I'd be able to move through my life like I did before. I thought I was too hurt, that I'd be too scarred, to every fully live again. I settled in my mind that things would never be the same and I'd have to adjust to and accept a new normal.

I was so right and so wrong all at the same time.

I did heal. Little by little, day by day, my wound closed. Stitches and staples were removed. Scabs came and went. It was painful, then itchy, then irritating for a while. The wound went from angry red to a light pink and healed into a fine pale line. When I touch the scar I can feel that it's there and sometimes when I move a certain way I can feel the tightness and pulling of the healed tissue but for the most part I am healed. So much so that I rarely think about the surgery and the pain any more.

So if I have experienced such a profound healing then how can I know nothing about it?

Healing is a mystery. It happens in secret and by measures. It happens slowly when you focus on it and rapidly when you don't. Healing takes time - longer if you constantly pick at the scab and poke at the wound. Healing is most successful when the wound is cared for and then left to mend on its own.

If I know this about my body then why did it take me so long to apply this to my heart?

A little over one year ago, an adult in our world betrayed our trust and manipulated one of our children.  He used his influence to undermine and confuse our child. He inserted himself into our lives and twisted our values and contradicted our instruction to our child. When we confronted him and informed him that we no longer wanted him to have contact with our child he reacted in a way we never would have expected, causing further damage to our child and our family.

We were all devastated. We were shaken to the core. We were damaged. We were wounded.

At the time that this all came to a head I thought there was no way back from this. I thought this man had forever changed our family dynamic. I thought he had ruined who we were trying to be, as a family. I was overwhelmed, depressed and heart broken. I thought I was going to feel that way forever.

We sought help from councillors, pastors, doctors and legal professionals. We patched ourselves up and tried to move on but it felt like someone was always poking at the wound. We couldn't get away from this man - by product of living in a small community - so just seeing him would set me, Mr. Awesome or our affected child off. Running into this man on the street or in the school or in the community would send us into a tailspin. Us ... me.

Mr. Awesome and even the Affected Child seemed to heal faster. They were able to leave the bandage in place, to let the mending begin. Me? No so much. I struggled with rage, hurt and disappointment for months. I wanted justice. I wanted ... I wanted ... ack ... I don't know what I wanted but I wanted it so bad that I was consumed by it.

Gradually I realized that I had to live. I had to re-engage with my world and not return to the moment of hurt every time I saw this man. So I did. I lived. I became good at masking my homicidal rage whenever I saw him or had to talk about what happened. I sounded reasonable, for the most part but I knew I had not healed. I knew that I had let the wound become infected with hate.

About a month ago, another parent who had had a similar experience with this same man spoke to me about how devastated she was still, how she was still so angry and hurt. As I stood there talking with her, trying to offer words of comfort I realized that I was in exactly the same place she was. The words I was saying to her were exactly the words I needed to apply to my own wound.

Over the next few days I thought about that conversation, I thought about my own feelings of anger and hate. I cried. I prayed. I waited in silence. I offered all my hate and brokenness and disappointed to God. And He took it.  In essence, I removed the rotten bandage from the wound and allowed it to be cleaned and properly mended. I stopped picking at the scar.

I'm not 'over' what happened to our family but I am allowing healing to happen. I still don't like or trust this man but I have stopped revisiting me hurt every time I encounter him. My scar is scabbing over. Soon it will be just a faded line in our memory where a little tightness and discomfort exists but it won't hurt anymore.

It won't hurt. It will be healed.

God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces.
~Author Unknown

The Business of Unbusying Myself

A few days ago I read a blog by Tyler Ward that has stuck with me, gnawing at the edges of my mind as I've waded back into the chaos of post-holiday life. I don't know who Tyler Ward is but his thoughts on busyness resonate with me, so much so that I feel compelled to add my two cents to this conversation.

Although I've done this myself, more than I'd like to admit, I have long felt that answering the standard, "How are you?" greeting with a trite "busy" was a self-important cop-out to avoid engaging in a real conversation. It effectively shuts down any real hope of conversation and reduces the exchange into a comparison of who has the busier life. When the greeter and greeted both complete their lists of busyness, there is usually a moment of uncomfortable silence before they awkwardly bow out of the interaction and return to their busy lives. Often times, in the midst of the busyness there is an overwhelming sense of loneliness because to-do lists have replaced togetherness.

After reading Mr. Ward's blog and then looking at the mountain of emails, projects and to-do lists waiting for me on my desk I had to ask myself is being busy is all that it's cracked up to be?

The short answer?

No.

And we all know it. We all know, deep down, that busyness is no where near as fulfilling as friendship, community and purpose. The day to day tasks that overwhelm us and numb us to the simple pleasure of being are a shadow compared to the joy and satisfaction that comes with living an authentic, meaningful life. But how do we find meaning? How do we know where to put our energy to find fulfillment instead of mere busyness?

Look at your life. What are the five things you give the bulk of your time to? Be honest and don't cop out by saying 'family' or 'work'. Be specific. Do you run a lot of errands? Do you watch a lot of TV? Do you work a lot of extra hours? Are you a dedicated kid chauffeur?

Make your list and then think about it. Really THINK.

A while back I saw this little graphic on Pinterest that was meant to apply to the words we speak but as I looked at it again I felt that it could also be applied to how we spend our time. So, look at your list and ask yourself ...

Is it TRUE to who I am? Does this item reflect my values and character?
Is it HELPFUL to me and those around me? Am I really adding to the solution or am I just keeping busy to feel that I have value in this situation?
Is it INSPIRING me to do more, to be more or is it exhausting me? Am I energized or drained by this activity?
Is it NECESSARY? Is this a task that must be done or is it a time suck that is stealing you away from something more vital and productive?
Is it KIND to you? Does this bring life, rest, inspiration or relaxation to you? Is this something that adds to your life and sense of worth or does it detract from you?

If you answered 'no' to any of these questions in relation to your list ask yourself whether the list is the problem or your attitude toward it.I'll bet you that you can already see where changes can be made, where you can trim some busyness and add something that is True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary and Kind to your day to day life.

Think, start small, be consistent and, above all, put relational ships above busyness - you won't be sorry!

Beware of the barrenness of a busy life.
~Socrates

Three Stars and A Wish

Welcome to 2014!

Last night, as I rang in the New Year, book in hand and a sleeping Mr. Awesome by my side, I thought about 2013 and all it brought our way. I'm sure the blogosphere is full of 'Year in Review' posts today so I'm not going to bore you with a rambling monologue about my year as a whole but I am going to steal an idea from Mischief's elementary school.

At the end of each term, when I sit down for the Parent/Teacher meeting, I am handed a piece of paper that says "Three Stars and a Wish." While I wait for my turn to speak with the teacher I am meant to write down three things I think Mischief did well this term and one thing I'd like him to work on next term. I like how this gives us the opportunity to celebrate the triumphs and name our future victory and so, in this, the first post of the new year, I offer you my Three Stars and a Wish.

Star 1 - I wrote a book this year! Although I have yet to figure out how and when I will publish it, it is written. I wrote, edited and rewrote and polished to completion. I finished what I started and I wrote a book.

Star 2 - I am working at my dream job only it is a dream I never knew I had. In September I became the Children's Pastor at my church. The journey was long, winding and, at times, frustrating but through the past two years I have learned volumes about God's faithfulness and the benefits of resting in Him. Relaxing into God's plan, and more importantly, His timing has brought greater joy, fulfillment and peace than I ever thought possible.

Star 3 - Each night when I tuck my kids in and again each morning as I drive them to school I pray for them. Part of each prayer includes this sentence, "Lord, help them to be good friends so that they may attract good friends to them and may the law of kindness ever be on their tongues." All five of us in This Random Family have seen and felt this prayer come to being. This has become the year of friendship. We have each learned, in our own way, what being a good friend is and how that brings good friends to us. We also continue to focus on living a life infused with kindness. And because we are flawed beings, we are learning the value of grace as well. Friendship, Kindness and Grace have been the greatest gifts we have received this year, by far!

My Wish - My wish for this coming year is to be fearless in the face of adventure. I want to embrace life, to live each moment, to take risks. I want to stop disqualifying myself before the moment has even begun. I only have this one life and if I succumb to fear instead of boldly embracing opportunity then what's the point of living? My wish is to live!

Courage is being scared but saddling up anyway!
~John Wayne