The Good News

Today I had my fist surgical follow up appointment. I went there with high hopes of having some of the extra bits left over from my surgery removed but that didn't happen. I have to keep my 'Christmas ornaments' in until next week and the staples will be with me for a couple more weeks.

I was disappointed and a little annoyed until I got the good news; news that brought hope, peace and joy to my soul. I can return to my Precious next Monday! Since everything is healing so well I can go back on the caffeine a week earlier than expected. Yay!

I am trying to celebrate this because I`ve been a little bit of a miserable patient these last couple of days. I am restless and tired. I hate not being able to move properly and having foreign objects hanging out of me is gross and gives me the heebeegeebees. I am bored of being a patient ... I want desperately to return to my ninja ways.

In the meantime, I am trying to remind myself that its only been two weeks since my surgery and if taking these two weeks to heal gives me the next 50 years to live well its worth it. I am trying to be grateful for how little pain I am in and how well the surgery went. I am reminding myself to celebrate the fact that the tumor has been removed and all the things to come are to ensure my continued good health.

I am trying to live in the Good News and let everything else `come to pass.` I am trying and hoping ... and dreaming of The Precious.

No one can understand the truth until he drinks of coffee's frothy goodness. ~Sheik Abd-al-Kadir

Life ... It Goes On

Before my surgery I was really worried about what life after the surgery was going to be like. I was concerned that the pain and discomfort would make it difficult for me to be me. I was afraid that everything would become about The Surgery and I would lose the magic of Christmas because of the reality of my life right now.

I am happy to report that life goes on.

Although I have little to no memory of the hours after my surgery Mr. Awesome reports that I was cracking jokes and teasing him as usual. What I do remember is visits with friends and family, sharing laughter, stories and a little good natured teasing. I remember the wonderful staff at the hospital (GH5 staff is stellar!) and the respect and compassion they had while caring for me. I remember the reassuring smiles of my doctors as they checked on my progress several times a day. I remember feeling peace.

Since breaking out of the hospital my days have been filled with everything Christmasy and my nights have been spent curled up my dad's recliner in front of the Christmas Tree, with Mr. Awesome asleep on the couch beside me, feeling thankful for this life, this love and this family.

I have been feeling so good that the day after I was released from the hospital, Christmas Eve, I went to church with my family. It was quite the production getting me ready to go out and loading me in to the van but we did it. On the way to church I started to laugh uncontrollably. I'm sure Mr. Awesome thought I had lost my mind so I explained what was going in my Random mind,

"I have a two foot incision across my stomach that is being held together with 70 plus staples, my lower abdomen is now my right boob, I have four feet of silicon tubes hanging out of my body and my arm feels like there's a dead fish inside of it ... all this is going on and I am worried about the zit on my chin!"

Life ... it does go on ... just as crazy and random as ever!

Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be. ~Grandma Moses

Living on Gratitude

I have a lot to be thankful for. I am here. Alive. In this moment. I am sitting in a comfortable chair, in my parents house surrounded by my Random family. I no longer have a cancerous tumor growing in my breast. I am very thankful.

I have three strong and healthy kids. I have a handsome, inquisitive, brilliant boy. He has a kind and compassionate heart, a brain hungry for information and a smile that will melt your heart. A have beautiful, witty daughter. She is full of grace, laughter and light and her creativity is endless. A have another amazing, sensitive and brave boy. He is all action and love and humor and his laugh is contagious.

I have a husband who loves me more than I can bear. He is funny, sensitive, compassionate and the definition of a servant-leader. He has gone to the edge of the world and back for me this week and every day of our life together. He is everything that is good and fine and wonderful in my world.

I have a family that is huge and generous and loving. They have stepped up and filled in in ways I never could have imagined. They are meeting needs that have never been spoken and offering help before its asked for. They have covered me in encouragement, love and joy.

I have friends who have redefined the meaning of friendship. They have blessed us in more ways than I can count with their generosity and affection. They have made us laugh til we cry, wiped away our tears and wrapped us in boundless support and hope.

This Christmas, more than eve, I am sustained by friendship and kindness and living on overflowing gratitude for this life I get to lead and for those who are right there with me ... every step of the way!

Wishing you the Merriest of Christmases!

Gratitude is the memory of the heart.  ~Jean Baptiste Massieu

The Best if Intentions ...

That's what I had, the best of intentions.

I had planned on writing blogs and setting them to automatically post during my hospital stay but that's just not going to happen. I wrote notes, jotted down ideas and really intended on leaving you with a few witty, seasonal words while I recovered but today is Sunday and tomorrow is my surgery and here I am up to my eyeballs in laundry, lists and Christmas presents. The kids have their church concert tonight, my cousin is here to help out while I'm in hospital and my head is all over the place; not exactly ideal writing conditions.

So this is all you get folks, a quick note to say thanks for your support and encouragement and have a wonderful Christmas with your friends and family!

Be sure to check back periodically over the holidays ... I hope to be able to post a little something on the 24th, 27 and 30th. I'll be back at the keyboard (fingers crossed) by January 9 ... if not sooner!

Take care!

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly. ~Andy Rooney

Normal?

The other night, while I was knee deep in Mod Podge, fabric strips and scrapbooking paper Mr. Awesome walked into my craft room (the storage room under our basement stairs) and asked me this,

"Are you worried that this is our last week of normal for a long time?"

I looked up to see if he was joking. Normal?

We have a kid who literally climbs the wall, another one from the Planet Vulcan and living with the third is like riding an emotional roller coaster at break neck speeds, even our dog is slightly mental. I say that I'm a writer but the truth is I am a cook, housekeeper, chauffeur, event planner, errand runner and volunteer who gets to write occasionally. Our house is in a constant state of chaos and I am always on guard for the next emergency because just when I think I have everything under control someone wigs out and we are back, living in Crazyland.

So, normal?

"Yeah, kind of," I reply because I know what he means.

This craziness is our normal. Managing the kids schedules, my aspirations, Asperger's, PDD-NOS, ADHD, a chronic thumb-sucker while juggling family responsibilities and expectations is normal ... for us. We thrive on the busyness that Our Five has created and knowing that in less than a week a lot of that has to change is a little sad.

I've been slowly adjusting to a reduced schedule, less projects and volunteer hours, no school meetings and minimal extracurricular comments, but knowing that it all has to stop, full stop in just a few days is irritating. I love being busy, helping out and being involved; I don't like to be a spectator for anything. I'm a hands-on kind of gal. Not anymore. Not for now.

The surgical nurse called the other day to go over a few pre-op things and to see how I was coping with everything. I told her that the surgery doesn't scare me but I am really annoyed by the limitations of the recovery. She laughed a little and said,

"I knew you were going to be trouble! You need to wrap your head around a New Normal. This, the cancer and the surgery, is tough and no one chooses to go through this, but you have to understand that by being a good patient now you will return to your Regular Normal sooner. This New Normal is only for a short time; you won't be able to do everything and be everywhere for now and that's Normal. Just be patient and you'll get your life back."

What does she know, she's just a nurse! And then my pastor said the same thing. And so did his wife. And so did my friends. And then my mom chimed in. As did my aunt, my sister and my cousin. Then the principal and Dude's teachers and finally, daily, Mr. Awesome reminds me to take it easy.

So its a New Normal ... still with the same old wall-climbing-alien-emotional children and mental dog ... the new part is going to be, has to be, me; my contentment to live from the sidelines ... just for a little while. I will be a chaise lounge chair quarterback (no recliners here!).

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~M. Kathleen Casey

Moments of Clarity from Inside the Doughnut

In preparation for my upcoming surgery I have had a lot of doctor's appointments and tests lately. I have been poked, scanned and measured in more ways than I ever thought possible. All of these scans require me to be still, immobile for long periods of time.

When I went to the first scan the technician asked me if I was claustrophobic and I answered 'no' but I didn't realize until a couple of minutes into the 45 minute scan that I have a different kind of phobia. I am Immobilephobic. Seriously. As soon as she told me not to move, I panicked; not a all out melt down just a slight mental struggle to hold on to my sanity.

Anyway, I survived that scan and later in the week when I had another, similar scan, I was better prepared. As I laid on the bed, injected with two types of radio active dye and with electrodes stuck all over my chest I began to think about life. And there, inside the doughnut, the CT machine whirring and humming, I had a moment of clarity about my life.

I'm not going to get into all the nitty gritty details of the epiphany I had but I will tell you these two things; when you are forced to be still and choose to see yourself you may be surprised by the truth and you don't need to be anything other than who you really, truly are.

This past year, living away from everything and everyone familiar to me, has been an incredible year of personal growth. I am still becoming the person I want to be and I am giving myself permission to keep growing, changing and being that person. For a long time I let other people's opinions, expectations and limitations frame who I was. Not any more. Not for a while now. I am me and there's something kind of fantastic about that.

Here's the deal ... you are spectacular ... just the way you are. Celebrate that. And if you are really brave, find a quite space, be perfectly still and think about you, who you are, the life you are leading. See yourself. Become the person you have always dreamed of being.

People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself.  But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates.  ~Thomas Szasz

Be the Bean

My mental powers are diminished. I have weaned myself from the coffeejuice but my brain is suffering for it. Well, I can't blame my Molasses Mind completely on the lack of caffeine. I've also been sitting in a small room with a large jar of Mod Podge for several days. 'Tis the season to kill brain cells with crafting products!

At any rate, I am in no state of mind to write anything deep or meaningful; I am, however, really enjoying the slew of Christmas videos I've been watching while crafting. I have watched Miracle on 34th Street, Home Alone, A Christmas Carol, Charlie Brown's Christmas, Love Actually and late last night I brought out the big guns, my favourite Christmas special of all time ... Merry Christmas Mr. Bean!

There is nothing funnier than watching an awkward, dorky, near mute dude celebrate Christmas!  From his shopping expedition to his encounter with the Christmas band to his attempt at stuffing the turkey; its all hilarious! If you've never seen it go pick it up, snuggle under a cozy blanket with a cup of hot chocolate and give it a whirl. I guarantee you'll love it! See ...

This season, as you are hustling and bustling to get ready for The Big Day, make sure you take a little time to give in to the ridiculous, recapture your childhood and be The Bean. Rearrange a manger scene, sing along with Christmas Carollers or proudly show off your Christmas socks. Spread Good Cheer!

Instead of being a time of unusual behavior, Christmas is perhaps the only time in the year when people can obey their natural impulses and express their true sentiments without feeling self-conscious and, perhaps, foolish. Christmas, in short, is about the only chance a man has to be himself. ~Francis C. Farley