I'm sure you've heard that saying before. Y'know the one about opinions, everyone has got one. Well, that's how I feel about parenting 'experts'.
I have spent hundreds upon hundreds of dollars over the years buying books and attending seminars about parenting. I have worn my library card out and have googled until my fingertips bled (not really but it sounds impressive...and messy). I am hungry for information but I learned very early on in my parenting journey not to react to everything I read, I glean what resonates with me and ignore the rest.
For every book written offering parenting tips and techniques there are just as many that give opposing advice. From the pages of these bestsellers I have learned that I should always pick my baby up when she cries or she will have attachment issues, let my baby self-soothe or he will be an insecure, whiny, self-centered adult. Potty train during infancy or my baby will grow up to have poor self esteem, don't pressure my child to use the potty because that creates stress and anxiety in her as she grows. Have my child listen to classical music so his brain will be stimulated, do not introduce any manufactured sounds to my infant because it stunts the growth of her brain. The contradicting advice is endless!
Now add a kid with extra needs into the mix and watch the experts spin!
The bottom line is this, there is no such thing as a parenting expert. Just because someone writes a book and people buy it in droves does not make them an expert...it may make them rich, but not an expert.
Read, gather information and use what works for you and your family. YOU are the expert on your own kids. Don't let a current trend or the opinion of some well credentialed writer talk you into parenting in a way that doesn't feel right or work for you. Parenting is largely instinctual and if you spend time getting to know your kids and being honest with yourself you'll find your way.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Things that go Hee-Haw in the Night
There have been some strange happenings in This Random Family lately.
Ever since The Wee Ones were...well...wee they have all been good sleepers. Its been a point of pride for Mr. Awesome and I that no matter how unruly and asylum-like our house is during the daytime hours when the sun goes down so do our kids. It has always been the one time of day where there is no fighting, whining or negotiations. The Random Bedtime Rule is you go to bed and you stay in bed, that's it.
Or is it?
For the past couple of weeks our kids have been waking up in the night and either coming to our bed or turning on the TV and sleeping in the Family Room. This is not okay. We have been a houseful of grouchy zombies. No one is getting enough sleep, we are all bickering and now we are starting to get sick from being so run down. The straw that broke the camel's back though was the other night when Dude crawled into bed beside Mr. Awesome, who then rolled over and launched me onto the floor. I decided it was well past time to get to the bottom of all this.
At lunch we held a little family meeting to discuss what has us all up at night. All of the kids mentioned having bad dreams. We talked about what is real and not real and what we should do if we feel scared at night. Before long everyone was joking around and feeling more confident that angry clowns are not going to 'get them' and there are no such things as ghosts.
When the laughter subsided everyone finished their lunch and began to get ready to go back to school. Everyone was almost ready to go when Mischief, looking quite worried, said,
"Just remember guys, some dreams are really serious though, like the dream I had about that donkey. It was really scary."
"What was so scary about a donkey?" asked Crafty.
"Don't you know? When they're mad donkeys kick and stuff! That freaks me out!"
Ever since The Wee Ones were...well...wee they have all been good sleepers. Its been a point of pride for Mr. Awesome and I that no matter how unruly and asylum-like our house is during the daytime hours when the sun goes down so do our kids. It has always been the one time of day where there is no fighting, whining or negotiations. The Random Bedtime Rule is you go to bed and you stay in bed, that's it.
Or is it?
For the past couple of weeks our kids have been waking up in the night and either coming to our bed or turning on the TV and sleeping in the Family Room. This is not okay. We have been a houseful of grouchy zombies. No one is getting enough sleep, we are all bickering and now we are starting to get sick from being so run down. The straw that broke the camel's back though was the other night when Dude crawled into bed beside Mr. Awesome, who then rolled over and launched me onto the floor. I decided it was well past time to get to the bottom of all this.
At lunch we held a little family meeting to discuss what has us all up at night. All of the kids mentioned having bad dreams. We talked about what is real and not real and what we should do if we feel scared at night. Before long everyone was joking around and feeling more confident that angry clowns are not going to 'get them' and there are no such things as ghosts.
When the laughter subsided everyone finished their lunch and began to get ready to go back to school. Everyone was almost ready to go when Mischief, looking quite worried, said,
"Just remember guys, some dreams are really serious though, like the dream I had about that donkey. It was really scary."
"What was so scary about a donkey?" asked Crafty.
"Don't you know? When they're mad donkeys kick and stuff! That freaks me out!"
Friday, November 26, 2010
All this without a coffee!
This morning I had Parent/Teacher meetings (or as they are now called, Student Lead Conferences) with each of the kids' teachers. The first starting at 8:30am. Ugh. I had intended to get up early, shower, do my hair and be alert for the first meeting but things didn't turn out that way.
Last night we had a family movie night. We watched How to Train Your Dragon, a flick the kids have wanted to see for ages. After the movie we tucked the kids in for the night and I finally gave in and did something Mr. Awesome has been begging me to do for ages...I agreed to watch Iron Man 2 with him. By 11pm Mr. Awesome was asleep on the couch and I was watching the movie by myself.
By the time I got to bed it was laaa-aate, so when my alarm clock went off at 7 I instinctively turned it off and went back to sleep. In the back of my mind I knew that I had to get up but sleep was just too tempting and I gave in.
I was woken an hour and 15 minutes later to the sounds of spoons hitting bowls and nearly had a panic attack. I grabbed my jeans from the bedroom floor, pulled on a t-shirt and a hoodie then stuffed my bedhead under a hat. As I hopped down the hallway, pulling my socks on, I yelled to the kids that we needed to hustle.
Crafty and Mischief dropped their spoons and ran to their rooms to get dressed. Dude, on the other hand, had an Asperger moment. He physically could not make himself stop and stray from his set morning routine. I tried to talk him into leaving the table to get dressed but he couldn't wrap his brain around it. I ended up taking him by the hand and walking him to his room. Once I handed him his clothes he finally snapped to and got dressed.
In the meantime I ran outside and started the Jeep. Then I ran back inside and scrambled to collect the report cards and portfolios from around the house. I yelled to the kids once more, 'In the Jeep, everyone, hustle!' It was 8:26...I had four minutes to make it to the school.
I pulled into the parking lot at 8:28, thank God for 4x4s, and hauled the kids down the hall to Dude's classroom. I left Crafty and Mischief in the hall, threatening them with all kinds of disciplinary action if they fought, argued, moved, talked, laughed or breathed while I was in the meeting.
We made it through that meeting and raced over to the elementary school for Mischief and Crafty's meetings. I was feeling pretty good about making it through the morning and decided to reward the kids by stopping in at the book fair and letting them pick something out. While the kids browsed I chatted with one of the teachers. Dude walked up to us to ask about a book he had chosen and the teacher asked him how he felt things were going, meaning how he felt the school year was going so far. He didn't even think about it for a second before he replied,
"Not very smoothly. I didn't get breakfast this morning and I don't like the socks I am wearing. Things were a bit crazy this morning because mom slept in, she did not come to the kitchen until 8:19. That is much too late. And I'm pretty sure she didn't shower because under that hat her hair is crazy. So, no, I don't think things are going very well."
The teacher and I looked at each other. I just shook my head and said, "I'm pretty sure she was asking how school is going so far?"
"Oh! In that case, I think it is going quite well."
Last night we had a family movie night. We watched How to Train Your Dragon, a flick the kids have wanted to see for ages. After the movie we tucked the kids in for the night and I finally gave in and did something Mr. Awesome has been begging me to do for ages...I agreed to watch Iron Man 2 with him. By 11pm Mr. Awesome was asleep on the couch and I was watching the movie by myself.
By the time I got to bed it was laaa-aate, so when my alarm clock went off at 7 I instinctively turned it off and went back to sleep. In the back of my mind I knew that I had to get up but sleep was just too tempting and I gave in.
I was woken an hour and 15 minutes later to the sounds of spoons hitting bowls and nearly had a panic attack. I grabbed my jeans from the bedroom floor, pulled on a t-shirt and a hoodie then stuffed my bedhead under a hat. As I hopped down the hallway, pulling my socks on, I yelled to the kids that we needed to hustle.
Crafty and Mischief dropped their spoons and ran to their rooms to get dressed. Dude, on the other hand, had an Asperger moment. He physically could not make himself stop and stray from his set morning routine. I tried to talk him into leaving the table to get dressed but he couldn't wrap his brain around it. I ended up taking him by the hand and walking him to his room. Once I handed him his clothes he finally snapped to and got dressed.
In the meantime I ran outside and started the Jeep. Then I ran back inside and scrambled to collect the report cards and portfolios from around the house. I yelled to the kids once more, 'In the Jeep, everyone, hustle!' It was 8:26...I had four minutes to make it to the school.
I pulled into the parking lot at 8:28, thank God for 4x4s, and hauled the kids down the hall to Dude's classroom. I left Crafty and Mischief in the hall, threatening them with all kinds of disciplinary action if they fought, argued, moved, talked, laughed or breathed while I was in the meeting.
We made it through that meeting and raced over to the elementary school for Mischief and Crafty's meetings. I was feeling pretty good about making it through the morning and decided to reward the kids by stopping in at the book fair and letting them pick something out. While the kids browsed I chatted with one of the teachers. Dude walked up to us to ask about a book he had chosen and the teacher asked him how he felt things were going, meaning how he felt the school year was going so far. He didn't even think about it for a second before he replied,
"Not very smoothly. I didn't get breakfast this morning and I don't like the socks I am wearing. Things were a bit crazy this morning because mom slept in, she did not come to the kitchen until 8:19. That is much too late. And I'm pretty sure she didn't shower because under that hat her hair is crazy. So, no, I don't think things are going very well."
The teacher and I looked at each other. I just shook my head and said, "I'm pretty sure she was asking how school is going so far?"
"Oh! In that case, I think it is going quite well."
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Now it is Christmas!
I LOOOOVE this time of the year. As much as I love autumn and decorating my house with scarecrows, finding the kids Halloween costumes and celebrating Thanksgiving with family this is the time of the year a long for.The snow and the carols and the twinkling lights all draw me in. I can't wait to say my first 'Merry Christmas' of the year and wrap gifts and address Christmas cards. I daydream about the Christmas tree and how we will decorate it. I spend hours pouring over cookbooks, making my list of Christmas baking. And its not just me, my whole family is like this.
My sister and I planned Christmas brunch weeks ago, my mom has boxes and boxes of Christmas decor that she lovingly and deliberately unpacks each year, placing each ornament in 'the perfect' spot and my dad obsesses over Christmas lights...all Christmas lights, the tree, the house and even the lights in his tiny Dickens village. And I am proud to say that I have passed this Whoville tradition on to the kids, too.
Dude has been wearing a Christmas hat (he has four) to school everyday for a couple of weeks, Crafty has been busy making decorations for the pink Christmas tree that will be in her room this year and Mischief has been practicing his song for the Christmas concert incessantly for days and days.
As the hustle and bustle of the season kicks into high gear I like to take one day to mellow out and savour the season. As all of my American friends gather to celebrate Thanksgiving, today I seek solitude (only because the kids have to go to school today) and peace as I take a few hours to give thanks for Macy's and their tradition of hosting the most amazing parade on the planet.
I am a sucker for parades. I was thrilled to discover that our new town has one heck of a parade in the late summer and I sit willingly outside for hours in the frigid Manitoba temperatures to make sure I get a great spot at our local Santa Claus parade. These local parades are highlights of my year but nothing compares to today and The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
The giant balloons, the bands, the Broadway numbers, celebrities on extravagant floats, the crowds waiting for Santa Claus and, of course, Matt, Al and Meredith commentating....and all of this bliss happens in New York City, one of the most magical places on earth! The excitement is almost overwhelming!
As I snuggle in with my coffee and cozy blanket to watch the first band march into the streets of Central Park West and 77th, I sigh and smile to myself...Now it is Christmas!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Our Trip Down Asperger Alley
Yesterday someone commented to me that they were surprised when they found out that Dude has Asperger's because he seems so normal. I hear that often and its true. Dude is a pretty normal kid...now.
Sometimes I forget how far we've come. We move through our days with relative ease of routine, making adjustments as we go. I rarely think about the day to day stress, heart ache and fear that we experienced when Dude was younger...before we knew what Asperger's was or how to work with it. I don't like to dwell on those Dark Days when we feared that our life would always be consumed with violent outbursts, meltdowns and explaining unexplainable behaviour.
I remember the utter physical and emotional exhaustion I carried with me like old Jacob Marley and his chains. I felt battered and breakable and used up. I was tired of the school calling, of people staring and of the dozens of 'helpful' tips people would offer. Mostly I was tired of watching my sweet, precious, beautiful boy struggle through life. I was tired of seeing the fear and frustration in his eyes, of hearing him cry in his sleep and of seeing him try to harm himself just to stop the pain he was experiencing.
Those were scary times and the only reason for sharing them today is that I know that some of you are walking through the same thing. When I think about our life and all we have been through I literally think of a road. Asperger Alley, if you will. And just like any road you can choose to travel it in secret, or pretend you are not even on it and hope that things will get less bumpy as you go further along. You can even decided to park and live on the road. Or you can admit that this is the road you are on, get the proper vehicle, a good map and keep driving, no matter how bumpy the road gets or how dark the forest ahead appears...just keep driving.
We have found that being honest with Dude, ourselves and the people around us about Asperger's has made our journey much less stressful. We believe that information brings understanding and that Asperger's is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Because we are an open book we have had the privileged to share our story with other parents of kids on The Spectrum and to hear their stories, too. We know that this is a journey and if we keep persevering life for Dude will only get better.
Now, as we are driving down this road I can barely see the Dark Forrest in the rear view mirror because the road ahead is so bright. Just keep driving!
Sometimes I forget how far we've come. We move through our days with relative ease of routine, making adjustments as we go. I rarely think about the day to day stress, heart ache and fear that we experienced when Dude was younger...before we knew what Asperger's was or how to work with it. I don't like to dwell on those Dark Days when we feared that our life would always be consumed with violent outbursts, meltdowns and explaining unexplainable behaviour.
I remember the utter physical and emotional exhaustion I carried with me like old Jacob Marley and his chains. I felt battered and breakable and used up. I was tired of the school calling, of people staring and of the dozens of 'helpful' tips people would offer. Mostly I was tired of watching my sweet, precious, beautiful boy struggle through life. I was tired of seeing the fear and frustration in his eyes, of hearing him cry in his sleep and of seeing him try to harm himself just to stop the pain he was experiencing.
Those were scary times and the only reason for sharing them today is that I know that some of you are walking through the same thing. When I think about our life and all we have been through I literally think of a road. Asperger Alley, if you will. And just like any road you can choose to travel it in secret, or pretend you are not even on it and hope that things will get less bumpy as you go further along. You can even decided to park and live on the road. Or you can admit that this is the road you are on, get the proper vehicle, a good map and keep driving, no matter how bumpy the road gets or how dark the forest ahead appears...just keep driving.
We have found that being honest with Dude, ourselves and the people around us about Asperger's has made our journey much less stressful. We believe that information brings understanding and that Asperger's is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Because we are an open book we have had the privileged to share our story with other parents of kids on The Spectrum and to hear their stories, too. We know that this is a journey and if we keep persevering life for Dude will only get better.
Now, as we are driving down this road I can barely see the Dark Forrest in the rear view mirror because the road ahead is so bright. Just keep driving!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Like Mother Like Daughter
I don't often write about Crafty here, mostly because she does not give me very much ammunition, I mean, material to work with. In the past the kid was all kinds of nuttiness but now she has mellowed out and mostly flies under the radar. The only time I get anything from her is when she gets over-excited or a little stressed out...and today she was both.
In a lot of ways Crafty is a lot like me. She likes to craft, write and colour. She is witty and has a quick tongue which is both good and bad and she likes to be goofy when she thinks no one is watching. Another similarity is that neither one of us handles stress particularly well.
To combat some of the stress and anxiety in Crafty's life we try to plan ahead as much as possible. We lay out clothes for the week on Sunday evening so she doesn't have to think about what she is going to wear. She always has an emergency bag of toys and books packed in case we decide to drive to the city on a whim and everything in our life ends up on the calendar. So today should have been a piece of cake right?
Not so much.
A month ago Crafty brought home a note saying that she would be going to the city today to sing at a choral festival. The note specified that she was to wear black pants with a white top, bring a few things to keep her busy on the hour and a half drive and pack a lunch. Easy. We wrote it down on the calendar, including all the details, and started planning for it. We made sure she had a new white shirt and that her pants from last year fit. We changed the batteries in her MP3 player and found a new book at the thrift store. Still, with all our careful planning this morning was still chaos.
The waistband on her pants was still damp from being washed last night, her socks felt weird, the sleeves on her new shirt were too long, her hair...oh, her hair...it was bumpy, static-y, sticking up, too flat, had the wrong hairband, a broken hair clip, a too-small elastic, a too-big elastic, her backpack had too much stuff in it, there was only one boot in the bin, her mitts were crunchy, her jacket puffy, the boys moved her book, the boys hid her MP3 player...
In and around my regular get ready for school chaos I ran around helping Crafty with her dilemmas. She stayed relatively calm and focused through the mayhem and somehow we manage to get everyone in the van and dropped at school on time. Mischief hopped out of the van with his usual, "See ya later mom" and a quick kiss on the cheek and normally Crafty follows suit but this morning she just sat there. I waited a couple of seconds then asked her if she was all right. She sighed and said,
"Yeah, I think I'm nervous."
"Nervous about what?
"Well nervous and excited. Mostly nervous and just a little excited...no, wait...I'm probably a little more excited than nervous. Yep, I am excited and hardly nervous at all. Thanks, Mom, love you!"
With a kiss on my cheek she was off. I watched her disappear into the school and marvelled at the funny little person she is...then I pulled out of the parking lot and headed for Timmie's. This morning definitely called for an Extra-Large Double Double.
In a lot of ways Crafty is a lot like me. She likes to craft, write and colour. She is witty and has a quick tongue which is both good and bad and she likes to be goofy when she thinks no one is watching. Another similarity is that neither one of us handles stress particularly well.
To combat some of the stress and anxiety in Crafty's life we try to plan ahead as much as possible. We lay out clothes for the week on Sunday evening so she doesn't have to think about what she is going to wear. She always has an emergency bag of toys and books packed in case we decide to drive to the city on a whim and everything in our life ends up on the calendar. So today should have been a piece of cake right?
Not so much.
A month ago Crafty brought home a note saying that she would be going to the city today to sing at a choral festival. The note specified that she was to wear black pants with a white top, bring a few things to keep her busy on the hour and a half drive and pack a lunch. Easy. We wrote it down on the calendar, including all the details, and started planning for it. We made sure she had a new white shirt and that her pants from last year fit. We changed the batteries in her MP3 player and found a new book at the thrift store. Still, with all our careful planning this morning was still chaos.
The waistband on her pants was still damp from being washed last night, her socks felt weird, the sleeves on her new shirt were too long, her hair...oh, her hair...it was bumpy, static-y, sticking up, too flat, had the wrong hairband, a broken hair clip, a too-small elastic, a too-big elastic, her backpack had too much stuff in it, there was only one boot in the bin, her mitts were crunchy, her jacket puffy, the boys moved her book, the boys hid her MP3 player...
In and around my regular get ready for school chaos I ran around helping Crafty with her dilemmas. She stayed relatively calm and focused through the mayhem and somehow we manage to get everyone in the van and dropped at school on time. Mischief hopped out of the van with his usual, "See ya later mom" and a quick kiss on the cheek and normally Crafty follows suit but this morning she just sat there. I waited a couple of seconds then asked her if she was all right. She sighed and said,
"Yeah, I think I'm nervous."
"Nervous about what?
"Well nervous and excited. Mostly nervous and just a little excited...no, wait...I'm probably a little more excited than nervous. Yep, I am excited and hardly nervous at all. Thanks, Mom, love you!"
With a kiss on my cheek she was off. I watched her disappear into the school and marvelled at the funny little person she is...then I pulled out of the parking lot and headed for Timmie's. This morning definitely called for an Extra-Large Double Double.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Observations from the Road
Here are a few tidbits we have heard while driving thousands of kilometers over the years...
Dude, age 3 at a border crossing to the US -
Boarder Guard - How you folks doing today?
Dude - Fine, I'd like french fries and a coke!
Mischief, age 5 watching snow swirl outside as we drive down the highway - "Look at the snow, it looks just like 3D. I wonder how they do that?"
Crafty, age 4 watching geese fly south (imagine the lisp) - "Those guys should take a bus or something, their arms are going to be so tired when they get to the mall."
Mischief, age 3 - "When I'm bigger I'm going to have a school to teacher other kids how to be Spiderman, but first I have to figure out how to web and stuff."
Crafty, age 7 - "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia. Get it? Get it?"
Happy Monday to you!
Dude, age 3 at a border crossing to the US -
Boarder Guard - How you folks doing today?
Dude - Fine, I'd like french fries and a coke!
Mischief, age 5 watching snow swirl outside as we drive down the highway - "Look at the snow, it looks just like 3D. I wonder how they do that?"
Crafty, age 4 watching geese fly south (imagine the lisp) - "Those guys should take a bus or something, their arms are going to be so tired when they get to the mall."
Mischief, age 3 - "When I'm bigger I'm going to have a school to teacher other kids how to be Spiderman, but first I have to figure out how to web and stuff."
Crafty, age 7 - "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia. Get it? Get it?"
Dude, age 10 - "Families spread like disease, it starts with one person and then they get married and then they have kids. When their kids grow up, they get married and have kids. It just keeps going and going like that...just like a virus. Of course, you can take a needle for some viruses but I don't think there is a cure to family."
Happy Monday to you!
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