The Art of Communication

What image comes to mind when you think of 'art'? Do you see a Monet or Di Vinci? A painting or a sculpture? Whatever the piece is, I'm sure its the beautiful, breath taking finished product that's in your mind's eye and not the chaotic artist's studio that the work of art came out of. Communication, especially communication in marriage, is very similar.

Mr. Awesome and I receive comments and compliments on our teamwork all the time. People see us respecting each other, valuing each other's opinions and supporting each other. What they don't see is the chaos that has lead up to the harmony, the hours of hashing things out so that we can be a team, the endless conversations that frame our respect. Last night, we stepped into the artist's studio, we made a mess but this morning we were able to enjoy our latest masterpiece.

That sounds so poetic and constructive and lovely, how I said that just now, but the truth is we had a heated discussion. An intense fellowship. A forceful conversation.

...

We argued.

Yes, its true ... This Random Mother and Mr. Awesome still argue. We often disagree and we don't always keep our cool during those times and last night was one where we broke all the rules, or very nearly broke all the rules.

During our first year of marriage we went to marriage counselling and a large part of the time we spent there was dedicated to learning how to communicate with each other and how to disagree with each other. We were given a few simple rules about how to argue and live to love another day. Over the last 15 years we've added to these rules from our own life experience and now we have some set boundaries on how to work out disagreements. This works for us. Usually. When we follow the rules.

It took us a while but we did get back on track last night and we were able to go to bed without anger and with a better understanding of what we each need from each other. The turning point in our argument was when we both started remembering the rules and returned to 'fighting fair'. So, if this helps someone, awesome, if not ... just chalk this up to more ramblings of a random woman. But here it goes ...

Rules of The Artist's Studio (aka How to Fight Fair)

1. Don't dive in after dark. We try very hard to stick to this one. We have realized over the years that nothing good comes out of bringing up an emotionally charged issue after a long day of working, parenting and spousing. Rarely is an emotional issue urgent, its usually something that pops up in your marriage time and again so its safest to table these issues to when both partners are not exhausted and more apt to say something less than constructive.

I get this is a tough one when you have kids because you're never alone until they're in bed but here's a few tips we've done through the years to stick to this rule. We call an 'Out of Bounds,' which is basically a grown up time out. We let the kids watch TV or a movie and we go to our room to talk. We also schedule lunches together while the kids are at school or for several years we had a standing 90 minute date once a week at the neighbourhood Starbucks. However you do it, carve out purposeful time when both people are alert and ready. Bedtime is not the time for heavy conversation.

2. Stay on topic. Admittedly, I have a hard time with this one because in my mind one thing leads into another and another but before you go off chasing rabbits to make your point remember what the issue is in this moment and stick to it. I've discovered that once I go off topic and start grasping at straws to build my case I make it nearly impossible to find common ground again. We have a saying in our house, "We all can't go to Crazytown, someone has to stay behind to show us the way back!" and I assure you, straying off topic during an argument is the first step toward Crazytown!

3. Know Your Purpose. Why are you arguing?

Do you genuinely disagree on a certain topic or incident or are you just being cranky and argumentative? Be honest.

Are you having this discussion to put your partner in their place, to prove how wrong they are or are you trying to communicate your perspective and your needs? Be honest.

Are you fighting to win or are you striving to make your relationship better, stronger, healthier? Be honest.

If you are just being cranky, are trying to put your partner in their place or are just plain going for the win stop talking. Exhale. Apologize. Move on.

If you genuinely disagree, are attempting to communicate your needs or are trying to improve communication in your relationship  stop talking and ask yourself if what you are saying is honest, respectful, necessary and affirming. If the answer is yes, then make sure your tone is communicating as loudly as your words. If the answer is no then revisit the purpose question.

4. Fight the flight. Maybe its just me, but whenever Mr. Awesome and I really get into it I would rather sleep on the floor of the garage than next to him and the very last thing I want to do is make gentle physical contact with him but this rule is an absolute for us. We do not sleep apart out of anger and if things are really getting emotional then one of us has to be the bigger person and reach out to the other. Hold a hand, rub a shoulder, something to bridge the gap.

We have found that if we reach out to each other physically during an argument that the whole situation deescalates. There is healing power in physical touch, there is an instant reminder of safety, friendship and family when your partner reaches out to hold your hand even though you're angry. Try it. Seriously.

5. Choose your weapons carefully. Words have power so we have a strict no name calling, no personal jabs, no tear down rule when we are in conflict. Absolutely none. Not ever. We're grown ups and like it or not we have to act like it. Even when we're mad.

So last night, things went off the rails for a while but in the end we remembered the rules, we remembered that we really do love each other, respect each other and want to create art with our lives. And like I said, art is created in the middle of mess and chaos but the artist always has the finished product in mind

So do I. And So does Mr. Awesome.

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. -Ruth Bell Graham

Living a 'Whatever' Life

What's the standard you live by? Not the right words you say when asked random questions like this one but the real honest to goodness, walk it out every day in every way, standard you live your life by? What factors in when you make decisions? What words come flying out of your mouth in an emotionally charged moment? What influences your behaviour?

We've been talking to Dude about this topic a lot lately. We've been working on having him understand the importance of taking responsibility for his actions and decisions. It hasn't been easy; not to communicate and certainly not to enact, but we're finding our way.

This week our 52 Weeks of Giving Challenge (yes we're still doing them, even though I've not been writing about them) focuses on respect. The challenge is to learn about respect, what it is, what it looks like and how it feels to be respected and disrespected. Interesting one, considering what's been going on the last couple of weeks.

I've been struggling with how to set the parameters of respect for our kids. I don't want a list of rules for them to follow, I want them to understand  respect. This morning I found a thread that will, hopefully, begin to weave together the big picture of respect.

Every Tuesday morning I lead devotionals at Dude and Crafty's school. Several parents in the community take turns each week leading the kids in a five minute Bible focus before they start their day. Its voluntary and we do it before class starts.

So this morning, as I was walking into the school to get ready for devotions, I stumbled into the middle of a student exchange that exemplified disrespect. Honestly, I wanted to keep walking, as if I didn't hear what was said, but I couldn't. I was the adult on the scene. I had to respond. So I did.

With this incident fresh on my mind, I walked into the library and looked into the thirty eager faces waiting for my words of wisdom. The only thought I had was, "I got nothing for you." That's when the thread appeared.

I asked the kids to think of the words that are their 'go to' insults, the first thing that comes to mind when they are mad, put down, humiliated. Now, is that insult true? Is it noble? Is it just? Is it pure? Is it lovely? Is it good? Is it virtuous? Is it praiseworthy? Probably not. Yet, its what comes out of us first when we're under pressure. I'm guilty of this too. I have my favourite quasi swears and ripping zingers. I have a list of things that run through my mind when I'm under pressure and I can tell you, none of them are just, pure or noble.

But what if we retrained our brain? What if we decided to set our standard high? What if we only spoke words that were true and noble, just, pure, lovely, good, virtuous and praiseworthy? What if we operated our lives in relation to a standard of respect. Because that's all this is, really. Its the idea of respecting yourself and others enough to only build up and never tear down. To only encourage and never humiliate. To only extend grace and never judgement. To only bring peace and never harm.

Crazy idea, eh?

But what if? What if we lived a Whatever Life? What if?

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and f there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do and the God of peace will be with you.
~Philippians 4:8 & 9

Crime; Boy, I Don't Know.

I could home school. Or maybe we could look at private school? No, homeschooling would be better. Maybe we should move? To the neighbouring town? Back to the city? Out of province? Out of country???

This has been the spinning top in the back of my mind for the last week. I'm not sure what the right answer is but right now, the way things are, the current set up isn't working. As things are, I'm sending my kid into a hostile atmosphere with a gaping wound. He is in so much pain that even when people accidentally touch his 'wound' or intentionally touch it to treat it he lashes out. And don't even get me started on the ones who inflicted the wound in the first place.

Dude has had one heck of a year so far and he just can't seem to catch a break anywhere. The year started off a little rocky. Mr. Awesome and I had concerns about his program and classroom right from the start of the year. Then, two months into the year The Incident happened (can't get into it for a number of reasons but suffice it to say, those who know the details can't believe the year we've had!) and we had Dude transferred out of his homeroom.

In the midst of the upset that comes from taking a kid with Asperger's, who thrives on routine, hates change and can't understand social subtleties, and switching classrooms, peers, routines and teachers on him, he was/is dealing with being a target of some very malicious behaviour. So, what we have now is a boy who is confused, angry, hurt and full of distrust walking through the halls of a middle school (which is not the most nurturing atmosphere at the best of times. Seriously, how warm and fuzzy was your grade seven experience?) totally on edge and freaking out on people in a huge way for what seems a minor offence.

I've had a total of nine hours of conversation, since Monday, with different administrators in our school and school division about Dude, the school culture, school division policy on bullying and how it actually plays out day to day. We've talked big picture and we've talked minute detail.

The West Wing is one of my all time favourite shows (no, this isn't a rabbit I'm chasing, this ties in, I promise). In one episode President Bartlett is talking to his political opponent. Bartlett is informing his opponent of the murder of a secret service agent in a violent gun attack. His opponent's reply? "Crime. Boy, I don't know." Bartlett looks at the guy like he's on crack and then sets out to annihilate him in the election.

During my conversations this week and for the past two and a half years I've been working with the schools in my area, I've had a lot of "Crime. Boy, I don't know" moments. As adults, we sit around and lament about the state of our kids, of our schools and of our communities but we don't actually do anything about it. Or if we do try to do something, its not enough and falls short of real change.

I'm tired of lamenting. I'm tired of talking and frankly, I'm afraid of what will happen in our schools, in our community, if things continue this way. Suicide? School shooting? Who knows, but it shouldn't have to get to that before we, the adults, set a new course for our kids.

Now, before you think I live in a war zone and my kids' schools are hotbeds of violent activity, you should know that I live in a beautiful small city with schools that are filled with caring and committed staff and compassionate and connected students. There is a lot of good, a lot to be celebrated. But there is also  a lot of room for improvement. We need to do better for our kids, we need to require more.

We can't wail and bemoan the lack of moral fibre in our kids and then go on our way. Illuminating the problem isn't enough. We have to do more.

So I am. I am going to do more. To be more. To expect more.

I promise because, "Crime. Boy, I don't know," is not an answer.

Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right.
~Theodore Roosevelt 

Easy Target

This past Wednesday was National Anti-bullying Day or Pink T-shirt Day. A few years back, in Nova Scotia, a boy was bullied at school for wearing a pink t-shirt. The next day 50 kids showed up wearing pink in support of anti-bullying. Since then, schools all across Canada have participated in this anti-bullying movement.

But on Wednesday we weren't celebrating a day of unity against bullying, we were grieving the injustice of being made a victim.

All year Dude has been a target of harassment. I wrote a while back about how he worked to resolve issues with one boy and I wish I could say that that was the end of that kind of treatment for my boy, but it wasn't. Another group of boys have been targeting him since the start of the school year and on Wednesday everything came to a head.

The ring leader sent Dude on a wild goose chase through the school and then sat back and laughed as Dude became completely undone. By the time an adult was made aware of what was going on Dude was humiliated, angry, exhausted and heart broken. He had a meltdown that was anything but funny.

When the ring leader of this stunt was asked by the principal why he was targeting Dude, he said, "His disability makes it so easy."

Those words have been echoing in my mind since I spoke to the vice-principal yesterday. My heart is broken for my boy and I am filled with anger and frustration at the whole situation. While I was muddling through my day I cam across this blog post in The Huffington Post. As I read Marc and Craig Kielburger's words all the pieces came together.

I had heard kids at Dude's school talking about how funny Seth Macfarlance was during The Oscars, well overheard actually. On Tuesday I was in the school because Crafty was too afraid of being bullied to walk down to her class by herself so I walked with her. As we walked down the hall I heard grade five and six students relaying jokes of a racial and sexual nature, all from the Macfarlane's Sunday night performance. I was bothered by what passed as entertainment these days but I was also too caught up in my own moment to put much more thought into it but today, today I had time to think.

Celebrities make a very profitable living from saying exactly the kinds of things we're trying to get kids to stop saying to each other.

From all accounts, Macfarlane went for the easy laugh. He targeted people based on their weight, ethnicity and sexual preferences. He made light of domestic violence. He went for the shock factor and received a lot of uncomfortable laughter for his efforts. He went for the easy laugh and was rewarded with high ratings.

So if this is the standard of entertainment why wouldn't a 13 year old kid target the kid with autism. Its just an easy laugh, isn't it? If a comedian can get a gig based on his ability to mock an incident of domestic violence why shouldn't a girl get mocked at school because her mother came into her room in the middle of the night and cut her hair off and then beat her? If its funny to comment on a singer's weight at an awards show then why wouldn't it be funny for one 10 year old boy to tell another ten year old boy that he's so fat he has boobs? Its all just an easy laugh right?

Folks, we're the adults. Its up to us to set the example and lead the way. We need to expect more from each other, from ourselves so that we can teach our children to be better. We need to stop going for the easy laugh, to stop laughing in our discomfort. We need need to start speaking up. Everyday should be a Pink Shirt Day for us. Everyday we should speak up for what is right and stand against what is wrong.

And by the way, the girl whose hair was cut and the boy who's told he has boobs are two spectacular kids that we know. Two brilliant, loving, hilarious, full-of-potential kids and they are anything but easy targets.

The change starts within each one of us. And ends only when all children are free to be children.
~Craig Kielburger, founder of Free the Children

Love Day for All

"Its a kissing day."

That was Mischief's response when I asked him about Valentine's Day.

"What if you don't have anyone to kiss?" I asked.

"Then you're lucky. Kissing is gross. And weird. And germy," replied Crafty. (keep thinking that for at least 50 years, Girl!)

Valentine's Day has long been a point of irritation for me and I have ranted on several occasions about it (here in 2012 and here in 2011) and this year is no different. It irks me that once a year people are left hoping, expecting, wishing and lamenting about their love life because some marketing genius decided that love is a hot commodity. Once a year, women fret about whether their lover (if they even have one) is going to love them to their set expectations and men sweat it out in jewellery stores and flower shops, spending scads of cash in hopes of reinforcing their affection. Ridiculous!

A friend recently said it perfectly, "If you need Valentine's Day to remind you to love your loved one, you've got problems no chocolate heart will ever fix!"

So its with that thought in mind, as I bask in the security of Mr. Awesome's love all 365 days this year, that we are preparing to celebrate our 12th annual Family Love Day. The streamers are hung, the love notes are written and the red food colouring has been bought. In the morning, the kids will wake to a red and white kitchen, strewn with hearts and ample opportunity to express, to each other, just how awesome it is to be part of This Random Family.

Aside from all the Family Love this year, we've been talking to our kids about finding a way to love those who are tough to love. As part of our 52 Weeks of Giving Challenge the kids have been praying for their own personal Unlovelies but today, Dude of all people, put that love into action.

Since the beginning of the school year Dude has been having a tough time with this kid, David. Dude and David have clashed on nearly a daily basis with things coming to a head last week when David took a swing at Dude and Dude gave David a swift boot. After that incident we talked several times about being a peacemaker and finding a better way to express anger. Even after talking with me, the vice-principal and the guidance councillor I didn't think we were making much headway ... until today.

Today, Dude came running out of the school at the end of the day. As he jumped into the jeep he flashed me a huge grin and declared, "I did it!"

"Did what?" I asked.

"I talked with David and we've decided to be friends."

"Really?"

"Yeah. We talked and I agreed to not threaten him and he agreed to not say everything that comes into his brain. And absolutely no more punching and kicking. We went around and told all the important teachers."

I didn't want to badger him, so I just congratulated him on making a good choice and being a peacemaker. I'm dying to ask him how and why and when and who helped and a million other things but I won't. My prayer for my kids is always that they will take the lessons we try to teach and the conversations we have and make them their own, find a way to live them out in their world. Because of that, I'll just have to settle for not knowing the details and just celebrate the moment with my beautiful, compassionate, growing boy!

Tomorrow, however you choose to celebrate, be sure to love an Unlovely or a Lonely or a Random Stranger. Give your smile freely. Offer words of encouragement. Notice people, really, really see them. And love lavishly!

"Life is messy. Love is messier." – Catch and Release

#52 Weeks of Giving: Week 7

We are still working on the logistics of Week 6 and when we get it sorted out, you'll be the first to know but for now ... we're on to week 7.

Since we've started this year of giving the kids have been great about finding other ways to give, looking for opportunities to bless other people and show kindness in their everyday life. I was pretty proud today when I heard Mischief tell his class that you can use your passion ("the thing that makes your heart excited") to help other people and when Crafty explained to me that she was trying to be a peacemaker at school by not calling a certain boy names even though he was really bugging her. I think the kids are starting to 'get it'.

This week the challenge is 'To be a Blessing!'

This week choose one person you can bless with an Act of Service. It has to be something you wouldn't normally do for someone you wouldn't normally bless. Be creative!

James 2:14 - 17
   Dear friends, do you think you’ll get anywhere in this if you learn all the right words but never do anything? Does merely talking about faith indicate that a person really has it? For instance, you come upon an old friend dressed in rags and half-starved and say, “Good morning, friend! Be clothed in Christ! Be filled with the Holy Spirit!” and walk off without providing so much as a coat or a cup of soup—where does that get you? Isn’t it obvious that God-talk without God-acts is outrageous nonsense?

The challenge for week 7 happened to coincide with some things I was reading in the book of James in the New Testament of the Bible. As I read the words of this letter something stirred in my heart. Questions began to cycle through my mind and I didn't like all of the answers.

People like to think they're good, especially church going folks. We like to think we are kind to others, generous and forgiving but are we really? Or is that just our 'church face'? And those who don't attend church or ascribe to a certain faith aren't off the hook here. There are just as many non-churched folks who think they are 'good' people simply because they don't cheat or murder people on a regular basis. But is that criteria good enough?

Not for me.

I like to think I'm a generous, thoughtful person but I know that's not always the case. I'm always kind and good and generous to people I like and when its convenient. Sometimes I'm kind and generous to people I like when its inconvenient and to people I don't like when its convenient. I'm rarely kind or generous to people I don't like or know when its inconvenient. I say I am but really, I'm not. That's why reading this passage in James felt like a kick in the pants.

Basically, James is calling us on our flaky behaviour. He's reminding us its not enough to appear to be loving and connected if we aren't really. It's not good enough to wear a ribbon or a wristband in support of a cause if you don't really support the cause. Its not enough to make social justice your trend, its not enough. Its not enough for the people on the other end of your trendy cause, the ones with incurable diseases and no clean drinking water, and it shouldn't be enough for you.

In another passage, James compares words of faith without actions to back it up to a body without a spirit; just another corpse. I don't want to be a corpse. I don't want to say the right words without having the actions to back it up. So as I look at this week's challenge and all the challenges of this year I am trying to find tangible ways to connect my faith and my understanding of what is right to my life. I want to live better, to serve better, to love better.

Join us in putting actions to those intentions. Join us in bringing life to an old corpse, to making justice more than a trend. Join us is giving past convenience and being as good as we can be. For real.

Denouncing evil is a far cry from doing good.
― Philip Gourevitch

52 Weeks of Giving: Week 5 Debrief

Normally, when I recap a week I talk about what the kids have learned but these past couple of weeks have had me in the hot seat and although the kids are learning I feel compelled to talk about what's been stirring in my heart.

Week 5, before 'the break,' was about praying for the people who are annoying or mean or irritating. This is something I've done for a number of years and seriously, it has brought me peace and a deeper understanding that people aren't really morons, sometimes they are just drowning in their own stuff and they don't realize how they are affecting others. I'm pretty comfortable with myself on this point so I didn't expect the growing pains that have been mine these last couple of weeks.

I have a pal who has been walking a rocky road in one of her other friendships. There has been misunderstandings that have lead to hurt and a break down in that circle of friends. I've spent some time talking this out with her and encouraging her to keep on keeping on. I know exactly how she feels because I've been in the same boat. Seriously, who hasn't?

Ladies, I'm talking to you now.

What's with us? Why is it so hard to walk in grace and drop hurt? Why do we so desperately cling to offence and our right to be right? Why do we so often choose pride over relationship? Why can't we recognize that we are each walking our own path, each facing our own struggles and we could each use a little more grace and a little less judgement?

There is this fire inside me to see women come together in friendship, in unity for the sake of our families, for the sake of our communities, for the sake of ourselves. I know that there is tremendous power in true friendship. I know that there is a deep well of love, esteem and appreciation in the heart of every woman for those they hold dear. I know because I have experienced it in my own heart and in the hearts of my closest friendships.

I also know that there is no one who can bring pain, hurt, envy, jealousy, strife and heart break like a woman. There is no being on the planet more calculating, vengeful and destructive to a woman than another woman. I have seen women crushed, devastated and humiliated at the words of another woman. I have seen self esteem crumble in one just by the mere glance of another. Its true, that old saying, those who you love the most have the greatest power to hurt you.

So why do we do this to each other? Why do we do this to ourselves?

I don't know. But I have an idea of how to stop it, how to move beyond the hurt. This goes back to the Week 5 Challenge. Prayer. It was while I was praying for some of those I find difficult to love that I had an IGIM ("I got it moment") about chicks and relationships.

Relationships have seasons.

Okay, I didn't say it was a new revelation or some kind of major epiphany. Its just something that finally clicked for me. Relationships have seasons. I finally figured out what this means to me and to my friendships.

I used to hate hearing that phrase. I thought it was flippant and dismissive and an excuse to quit when the going got tough. I would lament for years when I had a falling out with a pal or lost contact with someone. It would bother me to no end that I had this floating string just hanging there, off of me, where a person used to be connected to me. But something clicked these last few weeks and here's the second part to that IGIM, the part that made everything snap into focus for me ...

Reconciliation doesn't always mean a return to relationship. Sometimes its a coming together so you can part ways peacefully.

I think we, women, torture each other in friendship because we don't know how to let go gracefully. We hold tight to a relationship that has run its course, we love until we hate. We are so afraid of being alone that we often times choke the life out of a friendship in our desperate attempt to keep it close. I know I have. But I have also seen the most remarkable thing when I let go, when I yield to the natural ebb and flow of friendship, when I release my death grip in favour of opening my hands and heart to life. I have seen life and light and growth.

In recent years, when I have felt the drift of time, distance and circumstance enter one of my friendships I have taken a deep breath and let go. I haven't withdrawn or retreated. I haven't pulled away from the relationship, I've relaxed. I've accepted that sometimes things change but I have also left the door open to continue the relationship in a different way or at a later time. I have honoured the friendship enough not to suffocate it to death. And in this I have found a sense of peace and unity in my relationships that I have never known before.

I'm not sure if this is making sense. The thing is, we can have unity while we go our separate ways. We can have community apart because true, honest to goodness sisterhood is about respect and grace, not about hierarchy of friendship. Life comes from respect, not comparison and judgement. Authentic relationship is about celebrating our uniqueness and living with grace.

There is more to this, more to be said but for now ...  pray for each other. Respect each other. Love each other enough to let go and grow.

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning.  ~Ivy Baker Priest