Meet Simon

I know, I know .. I have been a bad blogger lately but I have a good reason. Meet Simon ...

He is a three year old boxer and he is making me crazy!

We decided a couple of months ago to look for a dog for Dude. We had done a lot of research and talked to a lot of people who said that kids on The Spectrum really benefit from have a pet pal. Apparently, having a good doggy friend reduces anxiety levels, helps with socialization and brings a level of comfort that people with ASD have a hard time finding with people. It is also said to help decrease depression during adolescence. Knowing all this we started hunting for a dog and last weekend we found one.

A very generous and animal loving couple heard about Dude and wanted to help so the gifted Simon to us. He is a purebred boxer with an amazing personality. He was obviously well trained as a puppy but has recently been neglected. The couple who rescued him and gave him to us assured us that although he had been through a lot lately, he still had a great personality. So we took him home for a one week trial period.

Two days into the week we were sure we had made a mistake. Although he was gentle and affectionate with the adults he was indifferent to Dude and Crafty and very suspicious of Mischief and he did not respond well to unfamiliar kids. This along with horrible gas, giant slobbers and the issue of him following Mr. Awesome everywhere and whining whenever Mr. Awesome was out of eyesight had us convinced that he was not the dog for us.

Just when a friend offered to take him off our hands, Simon began to relax. He started cuddling up with the kids, following them around the house and walking very well with them on the leash. We changed his dog food so the gas stopped and we discovered that he has no issue having his gobbers wiped after eating or going for a walk. He even ignored the barking neighbor dog and loud playing neighbor kids.

He is sweet, affectionate, obedient and really kind of goofy. Here's the part that's driving me crazy ... we were so sure that he wasn't right for us but now ... I'm not normally so indecisive and the not knowing is driving me nuts! He still needs some training but he's smart and really eager to please. Ugh! I don't know.

Anyway, meet Simon ...

Asperger's Speaks ... for Itself

While I was wasting time on Youtube, I found this video. It's written and produced by a group of kids from the UK who have Asperger's. They talk about their brains, diagnosis and their perception of the world in their own words. I love the creativity and ingenuity displayed throughout this video.

The video speaks for itself so I'm going to stop talking now ... watch, enjoy and understand.

You'll always be different but you don't have to be disabled. You can emerge from disability.

~John Elder Robison, author and adult thriving with Asperger's

So the Parent Becomes the Student

Before moving eight months ago I was decidedly environmentally unfriendly. I never recycled anything, drank only bottled water, hardly ever used travel mugs for my trips to Starbucks or reusable bags for groceries. I never thought twice about the amount of garbage we produced, how many lights we left on or how much gas we burned running errands. I thought all the environmental chatter was generally tree-hugging propaganda and I wasn't buying into it.

When we moved to our new town things began to change. There is a two bag garbage limit per week per household so we started to recycle. The grocery store gives a discount when you use reusable bags so I started carrying bags to the store with me. Then the kids started school and we started hearing a phrase over and over again. Sustainable Development.

At first I chalked it up to more tree-hugging nonsense but then I started listening, really listening to the concept and the practical application of this idea. I thought about the meaning of these two words ('Sustainable' meaning lasting and 'development' meaning growth and progress.) and started talking to people who were passionate about this idea. The more they shared their passion, ideas and practical application for sustainable development the more interested I became.

 Gradually, I began to understand the value, as a parent, of teaching this concept to my kids. Its about responsibility and being a good steward of the resources we have. It's much like asking the kids to pick up after themselves and take care of what belongs to them. If you want the good things in your life to last then you have to take care of them, it's just that simple.

When I started talking to the kids about this, excited to be imparting some of my new found wisdom to them, I found they already knew all about it. Truth be told, they could teach me a thing or two about this concept because they are living sustainable development, its pat of their every day lives at school.  Ask any kid about the value of taking care of the environment and they'll be able to tell you the how and the why behind this idea. They know that if we want future generations to enjoy our world, to be able to hike, swim and explore nature then it's their responsibility to take care of, and improve, what they have now. They know that change is up to them, and that it starts with the small stuff.

Earth Day is on April 22 and in preparation my kids' school has been amping up the SD ideas. They have been encouraging us to send litter-less lunches, encouraging the kids to use 'garabge' for crafts and a million other tiny ideas. The kids are excited about living a lasting legacy and not a lasting environmental mess. This year Earth Day means something in this Random House. This year we are switching off, unplugging, reusing and rethinking how we can show respect for our world. And like Dude pointed out yesterday, we're even going to get a used and recycled  dog.

Anyway here are a couple of links to some websites give some great ideas on Earth Day and Sustainable Development. Its not about the grand gesture of building a house out of milk jugs and tin cans ... it's about doing the every day, little things that add up to something big, something earth saving.

Earth Day Canada

Yes! Magazine

EcoKids

PBS Kids

To Kill a Mocking Bird

I am being stalked. And mocked.

For the past several weeks I have been stalked, harassed, mocked and tortured. I have spent weeks hiding, cowering in the shadows and begging for the torture to stop. I have been losing sleep, feeling victimised night after night and I just can't take it anymore.

This morning, after a night of being mocked through restless sleep, I took the kids to school and returned home to confront my stalker. I knew this sinister beast was somewhere in the back yard so I armed myself before heading out back.

As I tiptoed around the corner from the patio into the backyard my heart started racing. What was I doing? I must be crazy to confront this crazed, malicious stalker by myself. What if he attacked me? I am alone here. I have no back-up, no one even knows where I am. Will Shirley notice when I don't show up in the Timportance Drive thru? Will she send help?

As I neared the blind corner I could hear rustling the shrubs outside my bedroom window.I had never laid eyes on my stalker so I wasn't sure what kind of hulking, monstrous troll I was about to face. I took a deep breath, said a quick prayer and rounded the corner swinging. The badminton racket came down hard on the shrub but my stalker was too quick. He instinctively and effortlessly jumped over to the next shrub and continued to sneer and mock me. I leaped forward and took another swing but again he dodged my advance.

This time he crossed the yard and perched on a low branch of the apple tree but that didn't deter me. I was mad as heck and I was not going to take it anymore so I darted across the yard, swinging wildly as I went. He laughed as he skited from branch to branch, finally settling in a tree on the opposite side of the yard.

I collapsed against the apple tree to catch my breath and formulate a plan. I could see him, my mocking stalker, perched high in the tree surrounded by his pals. I looked at my stalker, really seeing him for the first time. He looked just like all of his pals, there was nothing distinct or unique about him except for the mocking sneer that he wore so confidently on his small pointy face.  He was chirping and laughing at me, so sure that  he was safe and out of reach. I felt defeated. My stalker was going to win. And then I saw it, my upper hand, my salvation, my victory.

I slowly reached down and picked up the discarded weapon, careful to make no sudden movements. I raised the NERF Vulcan to my chest and checked the chamber. Three darts, more than enough to make my mark. I raised the gun, taking aim and pulled the trigger. The dart sailed through the air toward its target, sure and strong until a gust of wind knocked it off course, causing it to fall short of the mark. Frustrated, I fire my two remaining rounds, but hit only the lower branches.

I was irritated, furious and running on pure adrenaline. I marched across the yard and shook the tree, venting all my angst in a mighty battle cry. My final act of aggression startled my stalker and his pals, they took flight, flapping chaotically from tree to tree. My battle cry quickly turned to a wail of panic as I realised that I was alone in the yard with a swarm of mad birds. I pulled the my sweater over my head and ran blindly across the yard to the safety of the garage, tripping over toys and bikes along the way.

I slammed the door, locked it (just in case) and continued my flight of terror into the house. I didn't stop running until I was in my bed with the covers over my head. The house was silent except for the sound of the pounding of my heart ... and the mocking chirps of my stalker, who was once again perched in the shrub outside my bedroom window.

When Divorce is Appropriate

Five years ago I realised that if I wanted to be the best mother I could be for my kids I would need a divorce. I knew that if I wanted to be fully engaged with my kids, if I wanted to be able to focus on their needs, if I wanted to be available in every way to help them succeed I would need to cut out any and all things that divided my attention and tainted my responses. So I did it, I divorced and I think it has made all the difference.

My divorce had nothing to do with Mr. Awesome, he's still hanging around ;-) What I needed to cut out of my thinking and responses was my pride ... so I divorced it. I had to set aside my expectations, I had to separate my emotions from the successes and struggles of my kids.  I had to learn that my job was not, is not, to become emotionally invested in 'the moment' with my kids but to help them navigate through the circumstances, situations and emotions that they will have to traverse as they grow.

I cannot claim their successes any more than I can take responsibility for their struggles. It is my job to help them move toward success, to help them process and learn from their struggles, so if I am emotionally wrapped up in the moment with them how can I see clearly, how can I lead them through the situation and help them to learn?  How can I be supportive when I am exhausting my emotional bank?

This doesn't mean that I am robo-mommy. I laugh and celebrate with the kids when they have rocked their day just as much as I feel heart broken and sad for them when they have had a tough time. The key is 'for them'. I do not make their triumphs and failures mine because it's not about me, its about them and I cannot rob them of the experience of learning from life because they are distracted by my emotions or worse, I allow my emotions to taint the lesson of the moment.

For example, let's look at the classic public tantrum. I'm standing in the middle of a crowded store, trying to finish up my shopping so I can get my exhausted toddler home for his nap. He starts throwing a fit because he wants a treat or toy he saw on the shelf. I say no and continue to walk down the aisle but the further we get from the object of desire the louder his tantrum gets. I pause and explain to him that he is not getting the treat because we have treats at home. He continues to fit, people are starting to stare and I am feeling my embarrassment grow.

My pride and embarrassment would dictate that I should either give in and give him the treat (thus teaching him that if he screams loud enough and long enough, he'll get what he wants) or I get mad and storm out of the store and discipline him (thus teaching him that if he embarrasses mommy he'll get in trouble). The third option is to step over the body, ignore the screaming and finish my shopping as quickly as possible. The third option teaches him that he is not the boss of me and his tantrums don`t embarrass me. When we get home there will be a discussion and a consequence for the behaviour because that is an inappropriate way to act in public, but I will be calm and rational in the discipline.

Without the haze of my emotions when dealing with a situation like this I can be way more rational, calm and look at the big picture. It`s not about me. It`s about teaching them how to self govern and learn from each situation.

Since divorcing my emotional attachment, my right to feel a certain way in connection to my kids, I feel as though I am a better, calmer, more creative parent. What do you need to divorce today to help you be the parent you want to be ... what habits, thoughts or emotions do you need to separate from

Anxiety Alert System Malfuction

Although, Crafty was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder almost a year ago, I often times forget to take that into consideration when things start to go sideways with her. This morning was one of those times.

Usually she is the one kid in the house I can count on to get ready in a timely manner, cooperate and be helpful. She usually sets the table for breakfast, cleans up after everyone is done and helps the boys to get their stuff together. She is also our clock-watcher, she helps to keep us all on time. Freakishly, she is a morning person, but this morning was a totally different story.

She fought with the boys all through breakfast, hated the clothes she had picked out last night to wear today, refused to brush her hair and whined, complained and picked fights at every opportunity. At first I tried to just ignore her because far be it from me, a non-lover of mornings, to make someone else be cheerful in the a.m. but her mood was quickly derailing our entire morning so I finally spoke up. Of course, I kept my cool and was very understanding. Yeah, not so much.

Unfortunately, I was irritated and harsh with her and she pushed back. By the time we were on our way to school she was scowling and surly and I was fantasizing about selling her to a circus or a roving band of gypsies. Why are there never gypsies around when you need them?

We dropped Dude off at school and I'm sure he has never been more thankful to get out of the van, then we headed to the elementary school. We pulled into the parking lot at 8:38, we had seven minutes until the bell. I asked the kids if they wanted to get out (please get out!) to hang out with their friends for a while before school. Mischief said 'yes!" and was gone before I could even say good-bye but Crafty said a big grouchy 'no!' and sat, planted in her seat.

I asked her what the problem was, no response.

8:40. I asked her again, informing her that clearly she's having an issue and if she doesn't sort it out soon it could end up affecting her whole day. Silence.

8:42. I told her she should probably get out and head for the door (please, please get out! Mama needs coffeejuice!) because the bell was about to ring.

8:43. She informs me (rather rudely and loudly) that her bad mood is all my fault because I didn't let her dig up a plant from the garden for science class today. Although I expected everything to be 'all my fault' because I am the mother after all, the plant connection came out of nowhere - this is were my anxiety detector should have gone off, but it didn't. I responded, equally as loud yet slightly less rude, that if she had homework then she should have taken care of it when I asked her if she had homework the night before. Growl then silence.

8:44. I tell her that her teacher will probably have extras or she can share with a friend, the bell is seconds away from ringing so she's going to have to hustle to make it to her door in time. She bursts into tears and then in sobs ad hiccups the full story comes out. She's been having trouble in science class with some of the boys at her table but she's too nervous to tell her teacher (he's new and a man - double strike in Crafty's world). She did try telling one of the EAs but was told to just ignore the boys and mind her own business. Finally, I clue in. Our disasterous morning had little to do with getting ready for school and everything to do with the dreaded science class.

8:45. The bell rings. Crafty is still in the van, in the parking lot, and begins to flip out because she's now late for Bible stories. My mental anxiety alert siren is now wailing and I scramble to find some way to stop the meltdown. I say its okay, Miss S. won't mind that she's late. Apparently, I know nothing because although Miss S. won't mind, all the kids will turn and stare at her when she walks in late (a fate worse than death for Crafty). She tells me to never mind about science class, grabs her backpack and jumps out of the van. I can't see her face but I know she's crying.

8:48. I am digging in the frozen ground of our garden, sans coffeejuice, feeling bad for the poor kid who showed up late and in tears for her favourite part of the day and then has to walk into her least favourite class, without her homework and sit at a table with a bunch of kids who are teasing her and a teacher who doesn't notice.

9:03. It's all better. The alarm is silent. Crafty has her plant. We've hugged it out and the Principal is going to be her science buddy today. Phew! Now for some coffeejuice!

Being a Rock Star in a Princess World

Earlier this week my friend posted on Facebook that her daughter said she wanted to be a rock star but all her friends wanted to be princesses. I thought it was really cute that she wanted to be unique from her friends but later I found out that she wasn't being cute or spunky. She was sad because she didn't feel like she fit in with everyone else. And that got me thinking, so kids this one is for you ...

We say that 'it gets better' when you're an adult but that isn't the truth, at least its not the whole truth. Things never really change, there are always people who ride the latest trends, no matter how trivial or bizarre, and if you don't jump on the bandwagon with them then you feel like you are left in their dust. There are always the people who think they are 'the cool kids' and judge others by appearances rather than by merit and even competent, gifted, secure adults feel like awkward dorks from time to time. There are always people lurking around, waiting for you to fail so they can be the first one to laugh and say 'I told you so.' There will always be negative, hurtful yahoos who thrive off of making other people feel small and insignificant. The thing that gets better is you.

As you get older you will find your place. You will explore your gifts, talents and strengths. You will know your goodness. You will discover all that you are capable of and draw a line between that which you will and will not do. You will carve out your niche, become the person you want to be and live the life you are destined to live. You will have moments of personal greatness, devastating failure and victorious comebacks. You will work, struggle and fight for your dreams and you will know the sweetness of success. You will learn the value of rising above and being a person of integrity and honour. Joy and Peace and Hope will be your constant companions in this life and because of that you will never be lonely.

But before all that, before the finding, the discovering, the success and the joy you have to make a decision. You have to decide, in this moment, and every moment of consequence that will follow, to be better. You have to decide that trends matter far less than good character. You have decide to be the kid who speaks up for the kid being pushed around in the hallways at school. You have to decide to respect your parents, teachers, neighbors and anyone else willing to care enough to instruct you. You have to open your mind to learn from others, to learn from your own mistakes. You have to decide to be a good citizen, a good friend, a good student, a good son/daughter, a good example. You have to decide to be better, to do better.

Sound like a heavy load to carry? It's not. It all comes down to this ... give people the acceptance, opportunities and second chances you wish you had. Treat others the way you want to be treated. It's not magic, it's just being a decent human being. And if you are a decent human being, you will attract other decent human beings and then it won't be a princess world anymore. It will be a princess, rock star, super hero, accountant, bus driver, teacher, guinea pig hunter world and there will be a place for each one of us ... and then it will be better.

~Rock on, M. S. ... rock on!