For all of his crazy antics Mischief is a very thoughtful kid. Not only does he think of others he constantly asks us what the meaning of things are. What a song means, what the point lesson of the story was or what he is supposed to learn from consequences. His curious mind and honest questions have caused us to think long and hard about the decisions we make and the lessons the kids are learning from us ... even when we don't mean to be teaching them.
Since becoming more aware of how sponge-like my kids are I have drastically changed how I interact with the world. It hasn't been easy but I decided that I didn't want my natural cynicism, sarcasm and quick temper to taint how they experience life. I didn't want to force my negativity on their perception of their world so I changed. I changed how I spoke, how I reacted and eventually how I thought about life.
I came across this video a while ago and it shocked me. Its a harsh reminder of how quickly and completely kids learn about life, and how to handle it, from us, their parents, teachers, neighbors .. the adults who surround them and influence them. What are you teaching them, every little moment they are watching you?
I am far from perfect and leagues away from being what I would classify as an optimistic person but I'm trying. I just want my kids to have the best possible chance at finding joy, hope and success in this world. I want them to have the tools to respond to life in a healthy, positive way and how are they meant to do that if I don't teach them?
Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. ~Author Unknown
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
The Pieces of Us
The other night, around the dinner table, the kids began asking about families and what makes each family unique.
Mr. Awesome and I talked about the families we came from and how, although there were some similarities in values and beliefs, we had very different experiences growing up. We talked about how when we started our own family we took bits and pieces of the things we liked from our own families and added some things we learned about life along the way to form our family, just the way we wanted it.
The kids, then started talking about who they look like and where certain characteristics come from. We always say how much Mischief not only looks like Mr. Awesome but acts like him, too. Dude looks like me, when I was a kid, but he gets much of his personality fro Mr. Awesome, too. Crafty is a litte bit of both of us and a lot of herself.
"So, there are pieces of both of you guys in each of us, right?" Dude asked.
"Yep, each of you have some looks and characteristics from Dad and I but there is a lot about each of you that is unique, things that only belong to you."
"So like, I have hands like Dad but hair like you?" Mischief asked.
"Yeah," I replied, mildly suspicious of where he was going with his train of thought. I could see his gears turning and that always makes me nervous.
"So we have pieces of you guys? Just like that Franken guy?"
Bingo! That's it ... that's where he was going. About a week ago we were having a different conversation about young authors and I had told them about Mary Shelley and Frankenstien. I could see the images that must be flashing through Mischief's mind and decided to cut him off before he derailed the entire conversation.
"And before you ask, we did not build you guys in a laboratory out of spare parts. You grew inside me like normal babies."
Mischief looked deflated for a moment then perked up again, "Still, it would have been cooler if you built us in a lab!"
He began pretending that he was building a persn out of parts he found lying around the floor. He even removed an arm and an ear from himself to add to his imaginary creation. Crafty watched him for a minute, shaking her head the whole time.
"I think the growing part is where the normal stopped for that one." Crafty rolled her eyes and went back to eating.
Mr. Awesome and I talked about the families we came from and how, although there were some similarities in values and beliefs, we had very different experiences growing up. We talked about how when we started our own family we took bits and pieces of the things we liked from our own families and added some things we learned about life along the way to form our family, just the way we wanted it.
The kids, then started talking about who they look like and where certain characteristics come from. We always say how much Mischief not only looks like Mr. Awesome but acts like him, too. Dude looks like me, when I was a kid, but he gets much of his personality fro Mr. Awesome, too. Crafty is a litte bit of both of us and a lot of herself.
"So, there are pieces of both of you guys in each of us, right?" Dude asked.
"Yep, each of you have some looks and characteristics from Dad and I but there is a lot about each of you that is unique, things that only belong to you."
"So like, I have hands like Dad but hair like you?" Mischief asked.
"Yeah," I replied, mildly suspicious of where he was going with his train of thought. I could see his gears turning and that always makes me nervous.
"So we have pieces of you guys? Just like that Franken guy?"
Bingo! That's it ... that's where he was going. About a week ago we were having a different conversation about young authors and I had told them about Mary Shelley and Frankenstien. I could see the images that must be flashing through Mischief's mind and decided to cut him off before he derailed the entire conversation.
"And before you ask, we did not build you guys in a laboratory out of spare parts. You grew inside me like normal babies."
Mischief looked deflated for a moment then perked up again, "Still, it would have been cooler if you built us in a lab!"
He began pretending that he was building a persn out of parts he found lying around the floor. He even removed an arm and an ear from himself to add to his imaginary creation. Crafty watched him for a minute, shaking her head the whole time.
"I think the growing part is where the normal stopped for that one." Crafty rolled her eyes and went back to eating.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Making Friends... Just Like Every Other Kid
Recently, I succumbed to the arm twisting of my sister and started watching The Big Bang Theory. I didn't have aything against this show specifically, I'm just not a fan of sitcoms or comedies. When people ask why, I say that I don't like to laugh but that's not true. I am just easily bored. Most comedies don't have enough meat to the story line to keep my interest but I have to say, Big Bang Theory may be the exception.
So many of Sheldon's quirks are amplified issues that we face with Dude and that in makes the whole premise of the show hilarious to us. His obsessive behaviour, scientific approach to social situations and total oblivion to how his words and actons impact the people around him are all too familiar to our eveyday life but nothing hit closer to home than the Friendship Algorithm scene. Sheldon's flow chart had me in stitches, especially how he got stuck in a loop.
So many of Sheldon's quirks are amplified issues that we face with Dude and that in makes the whole premise of the show hilarious to us. His obsessive behaviour, scientific approach to social situations and total oblivion to how his words and actons impact the people around him are all too familiar to our eveyday life but nothing hit closer to home than the Friendship Algorithm scene. Sheldon's flow chart had me in stitches, especially how he got stuck in a loop.
When Dude was about seven years old we sat down and drew a very similar chart to help him understand what it takes to make a friend. We included some conflict management strategies and problem solving tips.We tought we had him covered but he was still hving trouble with friends. After a little digging we discovered that we had not given him a way out, he did not know how to continue in a situation when the other child did not respond in a way we had practiced. He was getting stuck in the loop, panicking and walking away from his friends, leaving them feeling like he didn't like them. Oy!
Thankfully, as he has matured making friends has become easier for him. We still have to remind him to think of the other person's interests, to be flexible in making plans and to respond when his friends talk to him, even if what they are saying is boring to him. We have taught him to initiate conversations appropriatey and we have spent some time talking about how to graciously handle awkward social stuations and what to do if people react in a way he doesn't expect.
He has had some successes and some setbacks in his friendships, just like every other kid his age but I am confident that as he continues to mature he'll find his own way to navigate through this friendship making thing and until then, we'll keep trying to teach him and guide him ... just like every other parent.
"A friend is a person that you meet and you like to do some of the same things but not all of the same things but it is most important to meet a friend who is always kind and will like you no matter what kind of brain you have."
~Dude
Thursday, April 7, 2011
The Choice
In the nearly fourteen years Mr. Awesome and I have been married we have lived a big, crazy, tragic, joy filled, hilarious, loving life. We have had speed bumps and roadblocks and we've even driven off a couple of cliffs but we're still here. We still get up everyday, parent our kids, live our lives and love each other. We keep going because this is the road we have chosen.
I meet people all the time who have triumphed over seemingly impossible circumstances. They have survived terrible illnesses, horrific accidents or the heart breaking loss of loved ones and still manage to live their lives with hope and joy. I often hear stories of people who have lived through vicious attacks or habitual abuse and have dedicate their lives to helping others or read articles about families who have tuned their personal tragedy into a means of raising awareness and funds for a specific charity. These people amaze me.
Sadly, though, I have met almost as may people who let life's every bump slow them down. They are easily wounded by a careless word or a perceived slight. Every challenge they face becomes a major crisis and if they have experienced a real hardship or tragedy in their lives they stall right there, in that moment of sadness and loss. They allow the events of life to trap them and they can't carry on.
What's the difference between the people who take life head on and those who get stuck in the mire of circumstance?
Perception and choice.
Everyone experiences difficulties and disappointments in life. There are plans that go awry, losses that are suffered and failures that happen and there's nothing we can do about the happening. What we can do, the part that belongs to us to change and to own, is the thoughts we use to frame our circumstances and the attitude choice we make as we deal with the situations we face. Its up to us to have a happy, successful life, it's our responsibility to choose how we want to move through this world.
I have always been fascinated by the story of Horatio Spafford. In 1873, after the death of his young son and the tragic loss of most of his business holdings in The Great Chicago Fire he book a working vacation for him, his wife and his remaining children. They were meant to sail from New York to England to volunteer at evangelist, D. L. Moody's crusade. A last minute business issue arose but rather than cancel the trip, Spafford sent his family ahead of him with a promise to follow in a few days.
Days later, as Spafford was about to board a ship to meet his family when he received a telegram from his wife. It read, 'saved alone.' Their ship had suffered a collision with another vessel and had sunk. Two hundred and twenty six people had lost their lives including the Spaffords' only children, their daughters, Annie, Margaret, Bessie and Tanetta.
Spafford boarded his ship an sailed to met his wife. It was on that voyage he penned the words, When sorrows like sea billows roll, it is well with my soul, that later became the brilliant hymn, It is Well with My Soul. Not only did Spafford find the strength to place his faith in God during this tragedy but when the ship docked he did not allow his life to stall.
Within eight years, Spafford and his wife had two more children and together as a family they decided to move to move to Jerusalem. There they dedicated their lives to serving the poor and war devastated people of the region, no matter race, culture of religious conviction. He chose to live, even when life seemed impossible.
When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
~Horatio Spafford
I meet people all the time who have triumphed over seemingly impossible circumstances. They have survived terrible illnesses, horrific accidents or the heart breaking loss of loved ones and still manage to live their lives with hope and joy. I often hear stories of people who have lived through vicious attacks or habitual abuse and have dedicate their lives to helping others or read articles about families who have tuned their personal tragedy into a means of raising awareness and funds for a specific charity. These people amaze me.
Sadly, though, I have met almost as may people who let life's every bump slow them down. They are easily wounded by a careless word or a perceived slight. Every challenge they face becomes a major crisis and if they have experienced a real hardship or tragedy in their lives they stall right there, in that moment of sadness and loss. They allow the events of life to trap them and they can't carry on.
What's the difference between the people who take life head on and those who get stuck in the mire of circumstance?
Perception and choice.
Everyone experiences difficulties and disappointments in life. There are plans that go awry, losses that are suffered and failures that happen and there's nothing we can do about the happening. What we can do, the part that belongs to us to change and to own, is the thoughts we use to frame our circumstances and the attitude choice we make as we deal with the situations we face. Its up to us to have a happy, successful life, it's our responsibility to choose how we want to move through this world.
I have always been fascinated by the story of Horatio Spafford. In 1873, after the death of his young son and the tragic loss of most of his business holdings in The Great Chicago Fire he book a working vacation for him, his wife and his remaining children. They were meant to sail from New York to England to volunteer at evangelist, D. L. Moody's crusade. A last minute business issue arose but rather than cancel the trip, Spafford sent his family ahead of him with a promise to follow in a few days.
Days later, as Spafford was about to board a ship to meet his family when he received a telegram from his wife. It read, 'saved alone.' Their ship had suffered a collision with another vessel and had sunk. Two hundred and twenty six people had lost their lives including the Spaffords' only children, their daughters, Annie, Margaret, Bessie and Tanetta.
Spafford boarded his ship an sailed to met his wife. It was on that voyage he penned the words, When sorrows like sea billows roll, it is well with my soul, that later became the brilliant hymn, It is Well with My Soul. Not only did Spafford find the strength to place his faith in God during this tragedy but when the ship docked he did not allow his life to stall.
Within eight years, Spafford and his wife had two more children and together as a family they decided to move to move to Jerusalem. There they dedicated their lives to serving the poor and war devastated people of the region, no matter race, culture of religious conviction. He chose to live, even when life seemed impossible.
When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
~Horatio Spafford
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
This Life I Follow
When Dude was born eleven years ago I would have never guessed that this is the path my life was going to take. I wanted kids but I also wanted a career and I thought I could do both. Lots of women have both a successful career and a happy family, my mom did and that as my plan too, until Dude's ASD symptoms became apparent. The more extreme his reactions to life became the further my dreams of a 'real' career drifted from me. By the time he was diagnosed I had resigned myself to being 'just a mom.'
It took me a while but I eventually made peace with my role as wife, mother, volunteer and advocate and I really began to enjoy this life. I found my rhythm and felt like I had a purpose. I felt like I was really accomplishing something good by just being available and engaged with my kids. Over time I found that I was gaining knowledge and experience and because I am a talker, I began to chat with other moms about their experiences. We shared information, each learning from the others.
Recently, this casual sharing of information and ideas has morphed into something more. I am being asked to participate in conversations about education, school policies and skill development for kids on The Spectrum with people who make the decisions inside the school system. I receive multiple phone calls and emails each week from people asking for advice on how to choose the right school for their kids, how to talk to teachers and school administrators and what to do once they have get diagnosis for their child. Every day new opportunities to speak, to have a voice in matters that I am passionate about, show up on my doorstep. I am constantly humbled and amazed by this because all I'm doing is following the path that I am passionate about.
I see this same thing happening to some of my friends who have jumped into their lives with both feet. These awesome women have followed their passions in crafting, radio broadcasting, photography, cake decorating and even helping women to have a positive birth experiences and it has lead them to a life of living their dream.They are finding success and fulfillment everyday... and they are ALL stay-at-home moms!
All of them, through choice or circumstance, set aside their careers to be at home with their kids. But shelfing their careers did not mean they set aside their passion for life or their belief in themselves. They are examples and inspirations to me everyday. Their big, passionate lives silently chant, "Being a mom rocks! Being a mom rocks! Being a mom rocks!" and encourage me to keep moving forward, to keep dreaming because when you follow your passion with integrity, life will take you places you never imagined possible!
Eighty percent of success is showing up. ~Woody Allen
**Tune in to GirlTalk with Marlo tonight at 8:30CT where I will b a guest panelist discussing the ups and downs of raising a child with special needs.**
It took me a while but I eventually made peace with my role as wife, mother, volunteer and advocate and I really began to enjoy this life. I found my rhythm and felt like I had a purpose. I felt like I was really accomplishing something good by just being available and engaged with my kids. Over time I found that I was gaining knowledge and experience and because I am a talker, I began to chat with other moms about their experiences. We shared information, each learning from the others.
Recently, this casual sharing of information and ideas has morphed into something more. I am being asked to participate in conversations about education, school policies and skill development for kids on The Spectrum with people who make the decisions inside the school system. I receive multiple phone calls and emails each week from people asking for advice on how to choose the right school for their kids, how to talk to teachers and school administrators and what to do once they have get diagnosis for their child. Every day new opportunities to speak, to have a voice in matters that I am passionate about, show up on my doorstep. I am constantly humbled and amazed by this because all I'm doing is following the path that I am passionate about.
I see this same thing happening to some of my friends who have jumped into their lives with both feet. These awesome women have followed their passions in crafting, radio broadcasting, photography, cake decorating and even helping women to have a positive birth experiences and it has lead them to a life of living their dream.They are finding success and fulfillment everyday... and they are ALL stay-at-home moms!
All of them, through choice or circumstance, set aside their careers to be at home with their kids. But shelfing their careers did not mean they set aside their passion for life or their belief in themselves. They are examples and inspirations to me everyday. Their big, passionate lives silently chant, "Being a mom rocks! Being a mom rocks! Being a mom rocks!" and encourage me to keep moving forward, to keep dreaming because when you follow your passion with integrity, life will take you places you never imagined possible!
Eighty percent of success is showing up. ~Woody Allen
**Tune in to GirlTalk with Marlo tonight at 8:30CT where I will b a guest panelist discussing the ups and downs of raising a child with special needs.**
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Unplugged
In recent months, I have come to discover that I'm really not that important and I'm okay with that.
For the first time in nearly ten years I am unplugged, cell phoneless. I have lost the ablity to IM, Mobile Tweet and network socially on the fly. I can now have full conversations with actual live people without being interrupted by the constant buzz or chirp of an incoming text. I can get through a meal, movie or trip to the bathroom without the nagging ringtone of someone calling just to ask "what's up?" and best of all I can actually, truly be alone if I want to.
The decision to not renew my cell contract was made rather flippantly. Since going small town I hardly ever used it and felt like it was no big deal to let that unnecessary monthly expense go... that's what I thought until I didn't have it anymore. The first weekend I went into the city without having my phone I felt naked and very hick. I mean really, everyone has a cell phone, right?
I remember walking through the mall, watching people chat and tweet and text and I felt left out. I had phone envy. As I sat on a bench outside a store, waiting for Mr. Awesome and the kids to find me (okay, I might have been hiding from them) I watched people trip over and ignore each other, nearly walk into poles and garbage cans and lose track of where they were because they were focused on their phones. No one actually looked at each other, and it was clear that very few people were present in the moment, they were distracted by whatever mail, text or status update was streaming at them via their phone.
It was fascinating to watch, especially when I realised that this was the first time in a long time that I people watched. When I had my phone I was one of 'those people' who was constantly updating and tweeting. I was the one who was rarely fully engaged in where I was and who I was with. I was a Berry-a-holic, that was my mobile device of choice.
In that moment in the mall, and a thousand times since, I felt liberated. I was techno-free. I was a person again! Seriously, other than missing texting with a pal of mine, I haven't felt deprived or disconnected. In fact, I have felt more connected with the people I am with, more engaged in the moments I am living. All those emails and instant messages I was obsessing over were never realy that important. There was not one message I can ever remember receiving that could not, and often should not, have waited until I checked my emails at home or voice messages on my land line. It was all just noise that added to the chaos and exhaustion that had become my life. For me, for where I am in life right now, being unplugged was the greatest gift I could have ever given myself.
I know unplugging isn't possile for eveyone but just try switching off your data for a day, leaving your phone in the car while you have a meal or go to a movie or putting it on silent (and vibrate is NOT the same as silent) while you're out with friends. Allow yourself to disconnect long enoug to connect with the life that's right in front of you again.
Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. ~Ogden Nash
For the first time in nearly ten years I am unplugged, cell phoneless. I have lost the ablity to IM, Mobile Tweet and network socially on the fly. I can now have full conversations with actual live people without being interrupted by the constant buzz or chirp of an incoming text. I can get through a meal, movie or trip to the bathroom without the nagging ringtone of someone calling just to ask "what's up?" and best of all I can actually, truly be alone if I want to.
The decision to not renew my cell contract was made rather flippantly. Since going small town I hardly ever used it and felt like it was no big deal to let that unnecessary monthly expense go... that's what I thought until I didn't have it anymore. The first weekend I went into the city without having my phone I felt naked and very hick. I mean really, everyone has a cell phone, right?
I remember walking through the mall, watching people chat and tweet and text and I felt left out. I had phone envy. As I sat on a bench outside a store, waiting for Mr. Awesome and the kids to find me (okay, I might have been hiding from them) I watched people trip over and ignore each other, nearly walk into poles and garbage cans and lose track of where they were because they were focused on their phones. No one actually looked at each other, and it was clear that very few people were present in the moment, they were distracted by whatever mail, text or status update was streaming at them via their phone.
It was fascinating to watch, especially when I realised that this was the first time in a long time that I people watched. When I had my phone I was one of 'those people' who was constantly updating and tweeting. I was the one who was rarely fully engaged in where I was and who I was with. I was a Berry-a-holic, that was my mobile device of choice.
In that moment in the mall, and a thousand times since, I felt liberated. I was techno-free. I was a person again! Seriously, other than missing texting with a pal of mine, I haven't felt deprived or disconnected. In fact, I have felt more connected with the people I am with, more engaged in the moments I am living. All those emails and instant messages I was obsessing over were never realy that important. There was not one message I can ever remember receiving that could not, and often should not, have waited until I checked my emails at home or voice messages on my land line. It was all just noise that added to the chaos and exhaustion that had become my life. For me, for where I am in life right now, being unplugged was the greatest gift I could have ever given myself.
I know unplugging isn't possile for eveyone but just try switching off your data for a day, leaving your phone in the car while you have a meal or go to a movie or putting it on silent (and vibrate is NOT the same as silent) while you're out with friends. Allow yourself to disconnect long enoug to connect with the life that's right in front of you again.
Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. ~Ogden Nash
Monday, April 4, 2011
It's All Coming Back to Me Now
Last week was a blissful mental holiday for me. I did not look at the calender even once. I had no meetings to attend, no projects to work on (well, I probably should have been working on some ongoing projects but I didn't) and no volunteer hours to coordinate for the week. I slept in, hung out with the kids and generally did nothing. It was awesome!
But every awesome has its consequence.
Trying to get back into the regular routine this morning was like tyring to open a valve that had rusted over, the process was slow going and painful. The kids did not want to get out of bed and who could blame them? I pushed the snooze button three times this morning before I shoved Mr.Awesome out of bed (heeheehee) to get the kids ready for school. Just kidding, this was no feat for a mere amatuer!
It was a tag team effort that took master negotiating skills but we finally got everyone breakfasted, dressed and out the door for school. Once they were on their way, I exhaled and sat down at the kitchen table. I looked around the kitchen then wandered into the living room. I knew there was something that came next in my day but I couldn't put my finger on it. I forgot what came next in the routine so I went back to bed. BIG mistake!
Mr. Awesome returned home after dropping everyone off at school, coffeejuice in hand, and instead making me get out of bed and really start the day, he brought the coffee to me and climbed back into bed, too. There we wasted the better part of the morning watching Ellen and making false attempts at getting up and being productive. "After this segment I'm going to get up," and "oh, I should really get up and ..." were said at least a dozen times but neither of us budged for more than an hour.
We finally did get going and as I sat down to plan our meals for the next couple of weeks, make a grocery list, update my volunteer schedule and plan a few meetings for the next week or so the old familiar sense of responsibility and commitment came creeping upon me and chased my lovely slacker bliss away. Now instead of floating through an empty calm, the wheels in my brain are turning, picking up speed, and I once again feel the weight and excitement of a busy schedule, the places-to-go, people-to-talk-to buzz and the hum and whir of creative ideas bouncing around in my head. It's all coming back to me now and I'm looking forward to really getting back into the swing of things!
So, good bye old friend, Slacker Bliss, see you again ... in July!
But every awesome has its consequence.
Trying to get back into the regular routine this morning was like tyring to open a valve that had rusted over, the process was slow going and painful. The kids did not want to get out of bed and who could blame them? I pushed the snooze button three times this morning before I shoved Mr.Awesome out of bed (heeheehee) to get the kids ready for school. Just kidding, this was no feat for a mere amatuer!
It was a tag team effort that took master negotiating skills but we finally got everyone breakfasted, dressed and out the door for school. Once they were on their way, I exhaled and sat down at the kitchen table. I looked around the kitchen then wandered into the living room. I knew there was something that came next in my day but I couldn't put my finger on it. I forgot what came next in the routine so I went back to bed. BIG mistake!
Mr. Awesome returned home after dropping everyone off at school, coffeejuice in hand, and instead making me get out of bed and really start the day, he brought the coffee to me and climbed back into bed, too. There we wasted the better part of the morning watching Ellen and making false attempts at getting up and being productive. "After this segment I'm going to get up," and "oh, I should really get up and ..." were said at least a dozen times but neither of us budged for more than an hour.
We finally did get going and as I sat down to plan our meals for the next couple of weeks, make a grocery list, update my volunteer schedule and plan a few meetings for the next week or so the old familiar sense of responsibility and commitment came creeping upon me and chased my lovely slacker bliss away. Now instead of floating through an empty calm, the wheels in my brain are turning, picking up speed, and I once again feel the weight and excitement of a busy schedule, the places-to-go, people-to-talk-to buzz and the hum and whir of creative ideas bouncing around in my head. It's all coming back to me now and I'm looking forward to really getting back into the swing of things!
So, good bye old friend, Slacker Bliss, see you again ... in July!
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