Monday, February 6, 2012

No-Fail Recipe for Insomnia

WARNING: This post is written at 1:45am. This Random Mother cannot be held responsible for rants, incoherent sentences and poor grammar that may result from lack of sleep and subsequent crankiness.

For the bazillionth time in the past couple of weeks I have been driven from my cozy duvet cocoon by chaotic, aggressive snoring and seizure-grade twitching. I am tired, cranky and a little terrified (the tired and cranky are from lack of sleep, the terrified is from the three episodes of Criminal Minds I watched this evening).

A couple of weeks ago Mr. Awesome fractured his rib. I'm not sure how he did it but apparently the incident involved our driveway, ice, the Jeep and Mr. Awesome's own special brand of clumsiness. Ever since that fateful afternoon I have spent more time sleeping in the living room than in my own bed. Not good.

Mr. Awesome's sleep positions are limited because of his injury; he can sleep comfortably on his back, resulting in annoying loud snoring, or he can sleep on his uninjured side and spend the night painfully twitching every time he repositions. Both options leave me not sleeping and plotting his demise ... so I take to the chaise lounge.

Normally, I sleep pretty well in my comfy chair but today I cooked up a No-fail Recipe for Insomnia that has left me jittery, paranoid and wide awake despite my desperate need for sleep. Curious about my Sleep-No-More concoction? Well, here it is ...

Start with a 2 hour, late afternoon, nap. Add two steaming, delicious cups of coffeejuice and stir in three episodes of the most intriguing, yet terrifying, crime drama on TV. Add two hours of snoring, twitching husband and let simmer. Remove from bedroom and place in dark living room in front of large picture window with the curtains wide open. Guarantee no sleep in the foreseeable future.

I know. The logical thing would have been to close the blinds, think happy thoughts and go to sleep. Instead, I am cowering in the basement, listening to Veggie Tales Silly Songs and writing this little ditty for you fine folks. I have contemplated sleeping on the basement sofa but that would mean I would have to walk through the Lego minefield that is my family room ... I don't think so. I have also considered crawling in to bed with Crafty but she has every stuffed animal ever made in bed with her so, no dice.

I also have a guest room with a moderately uncomfortable bed that I could sleep in but that option poses two problems. Problem one, I'd have to walk back through my dark house to get to the guest room and who knows what kind of UnSubs are lurking in the dark. Problem Two, which is infinitely more scary and possible fatal to Mr. Awesome, I can still hear him snoring when I'm in the guest room.

So ... here I sit. 2 am. Listening to The Dance of the Cucumber. Wondering just how much force and for how long one should hold a pillow over some snoring person's face to stop the snoring but not induce death. Just wondering, is all.

People who snore always fall asleep first. ~Author Unknown

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