Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Moments of Clarity from Inside the Doughnut

In preparation for my upcoming surgery I have had a lot of doctor's appointments and tests lately. I have been poked, scanned and measured in more ways than I ever thought possible. All of these scans require me to be still, immobile for long periods of time.

When I went to the first scan the technician asked me if I was claustrophobic and I answered 'no' but I didn't realize until a couple of minutes into the 45 minute scan that I have a different kind of phobia. I am Immobilephobic. Seriously. As soon as she told me not to move, I panicked; not a all out melt down just a slight mental struggle to hold on to my sanity.

Anyway, I survived that scan and later in the week when I had another, similar scan, I was better prepared. As I laid on the bed, injected with two types of radio active dye and with electrodes stuck all over my chest I began to think about life. And there, inside the doughnut, the CT machine whirring and humming, I had a moment of clarity about my life.

I'm not going to get into all the nitty gritty details of the epiphany I had but I will tell you these two things; when you are forced to be still and choose to see yourself you may be surprised by the truth and you don't need to be anything other than who you really, truly are.

This past year, living away from everything and everyone familiar to me, has been an incredible year of personal growth. I am still becoming the person I want to be and I am giving myself permission to keep growing, changing and being that person. For a long time I let other people's opinions, expectations and limitations frame who I was. Not any more. Not for a while now. I am me and there's something kind of fantastic about that.

Here's the deal ... you are spectacular ... just the way you are. Celebrate that. And if you are really brave, find a quite space, be perfectly still and think about you, who you are, the life you are leading. See yourself. Become the person you have always dreamed of being.

People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself.  But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates.  ~Thomas Szasz

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