No More Tears?

I'm not a cryer. I don't like crying. No one looks good crying; your face distorts, your eyes get puffy and your nose runs. Then your face gets red, your mascara beats a trail down your cheeks and there is rarely Kleenex available when you need it. It's messy. It's a great big messy mess mess. Nope, not a fan of crying.

I also don't see much point to crying. Things are still the same after you cry as they were before, just now you're wet. Crying doesn't fix anything, it doesn't solve any problems and it certainly doesn't make things any easier. Definitely not a fan of crying.

I haven't really cried over this whole cancer thing. Yet. I have fought back the lump in my throat and I have conquered the lip quivers thus far. I have teared up in frustration once or twice but I have been able to keep the actual full on crying at bay. So far. Until today.

Over the past few days I could feel my defenses weakening. I am tired and I am tired of being tired. I am sad that my kids are noticing the changes in me, I am sad that Mr. Awesome has to pull double duty just to keep our place functional these days and I am sad that my life is changing and I can't do anything to stop it.  My heart hurts for my dad and the things he's experiencing, I worry for my mom and how she's really doing and I am concerned for my sister and how she's handling everything.

These were the thoughts swirling around in my head as I walked into a meeting to plan the Christmas concert at our church. I sat down with one of the pastors and he asked me how I was doing and all of a sudden I was crying. Seriously tearing-up-Kleenex-needed-face-distorting crying. What the heck?!

I fumbled through an apology and tried to regain my composure but he stopped me. He told me, well, reminded me really, that tears are necessary; they serve a purpose. Tears are a cleansing of our heart, a way to release the worry and tension. Tears give us the chance to bounce back, reset and move forward. Tears are the tangible reminder of our need to let things go, to share our burdens.

So I cried. A little. And then I came home and cried a little more. Then Mr. Awesome came home for lunch and we cried together for a little while.

Through all my crying today I realised that the tears don't cancel out the hope and joy and faith I have. The tears just clear the way so I can get to those good things. The tears don't mean I am falling apart, they are a sign that I am being held together. But mostly, the tears have taught me that I need to be strong enough to be weak sometimes.

Tears are God’s gift to us.  Our holy water.  They heal us as they flow.  ~Rita Schiano