Love Day for All

"Its a kissing day."

That was Mischief's response when I asked him about Valentine's Day.

"What if you don't have anyone to kiss?" I asked.

"Then you're lucky. Kissing is gross. And weird. And germy," replied Crafty. (keep thinking that for at least 50 years, Girl!)

Valentine's Day has long been a point of irritation for me and I have ranted on several occasions about it (here in 2012 and here in 2011) and this year is no different. It irks me that once a year people are left hoping, expecting, wishing and lamenting about their love life because some marketing genius decided that love is a hot commodity. Once a year, women fret about whether their lover (if they even have one) is going to love them to their set expectations and men sweat it out in jewellery stores and flower shops, spending scads of cash in hopes of reinforcing their affection. Ridiculous!

A friend recently said it perfectly, "If you need Valentine's Day to remind you to love your loved one, you've got problems no chocolate heart will ever fix!"

So its with that thought in mind, as I bask in the security of Mr. Awesome's love all 365 days this year, that we are preparing to celebrate our 12th annual Family Love Day. The streamers are hung, the love notes are written and the red food colouring has been bought. In the morning, the kids will wake to a red and white kitchen, strewn with hearts and ample opportunity to express, to each other, just how awesome it is to be part of This Random Family.

Aside from all the Family Love this year, we've been talking to our kids about finding a way to love those who are tough to love. As part of our 52 Weeks of Giving Challenge the kids have been praying for their own personal Unlovelies but today, Dude of all people, put that love into action.

Since the beginning of the school year Dude has been having a tough time with this kid, David. Dude and David have clashed on nearly a daily basis with things coming to a head last week when David took a swing at Dude and Dude gave David a swift boot. After that incident we talked several times about being a peacemaker and finding a better way to express anger. Even after talking with me, the vice-principal and the guidance councillor I didn't think we were making much headway ... until today.

Today, Dude came running out of the school at the end of the day. As he jumped into the jeep he flashed me a huge grin and declared, "I did it!"

"Did what?" I asked.

"I talked with David and we've decided to be friends."

"Really?"

"Yeah. We talked and I agreed to not threaten him and he agreed to not say everything that comes into his brain. And absolutely no more punching and kicking. We went around and told all the important teachers."

I didn't want to badger him, so I just congratulated him on making a good choice and being a peacemaker. I'm dying to ask him how and why and when and who helped and a million other things but I won't. My prayer for my kids is always that they will take the lessons we try to teach and the conversations we have and make them their own, find a way to live them out in their world. Because of that, I'll just have to settle for not knowing the details and just celebrate the moment with my beautiful, compassionate, growing boy!

Tomorrow, however you choose to celebrate, be sure to love an Unlovely or a Lonely or a Random Stranger. Give your smile freely. Offer words of encouragement. Notice people, really, really see them. And love lavishly!

"Life is messy. Love is messier." – Catch and Release

#52 Weeks of Giving: Week 7

We are still working on the logistics of Week 6 and when we get it sorted out, you'll be the first to know but for now ... we're on to week 7.

Since we've started this year of giving the kids have been great about finding other ways to give, looking for opportunities to bless other people and show kindness in their everyday life. I was pretty proud today when I heard Mischief tell his class that you can use your passion ("the thing that makes your heart excited") to help other people and when Crafty explained to me that she was trying to be a peacemaker at school by not calling a certain boy names even though he was really bugging her. I think the kids are starting to 'get it'.

This week the challenge is 'To be a Blessing!'

This week choose one person you can bless with an Act of Service. It has to be something you wouldn't normally do for someone you wouldn't normally bless. Be creative!

James 2:14 - 17
   Dear friends, do you think you’ll get anywhere in this if you learn all the right words but never do anything? Does merely talking about faith indicate that a person really has it? For instance, you come upon an old friend dressed in rags and half-starved and say, “Good morning, friend! Be clothed in Christ! Be filled with the Holy Spirit!” and walk off without providing so much as a coat or a cup of soup—where does that get you? Isn’t it obvious that God-talk without God-acts is outrageous nonsense?

The challenge for week 7 happened to coincide with some things I was reading in the book of James in the New Testament of the Bible. As I read the words of this letter something stirred in my heart. Questions began to cycle through my mind and I didn't like all of the answers.

People like to think they're good, especially church going folks. We like to think we are kind to others, generous and forgiving but are we really? Or is that just our 'church face'? And those who don't attend church or ascribe to a certain faith aren't off the hook here. There are just as many non-churched folks who think they are 'good' people simply because they don't cheat or murder people on a regular basis. But is that criteria good enough?

Not for me.

I like to think I'm a generous, thoughtful person but I know that's not always the case. I'm always kind and good and generous to people I like and when its convenient. Sometimes I'm kind and generous to people I like when its inconvenient and to people I don't like when its convenient. I'm rarely kind or generous to people I don't like or know when its inconvenient. I say I am but really, I'm not. That's why reading this passage in James felt like a kick in the pants.

Basically, James is calling us on our flaky behaviour. He's reminding us its not enough to appear to be loving and connected if we aren't really. It's not good enough to wear a ribbon or a wristband in support of a cause if you don't really support the cause. Its not enough to make social justice your trend, its not enough. Its not enough for the people on the other end of your trendy cause, the ones with incurable diseases and no clean drinking water, and it shouldn't be enough for you.

In another passage, James compares words of faith without actions to back it up to a body without a spirit; just another corpse. I don't want to be a corpse. I don't want to say the right words without having the actions to back it up. So as I look at this week's challenge and all the challenges of this year I am trying to find tangible ways to connect my faith and my understanding of what is right to my life. I want to live better, to serve better, to love better.

Join us in putting actions to those intentions. Join us in bringing life to an old corpse, to making justice more than a trend. Join us is giving past convenience and being as good as we can be. For real.

Denouncing evil is a far cry from doing good.
― Philip Gourevitch

52 Weeks of Giving: Week 5 Debrief

Normally, when I recap a week I talk about what the kids have learned but these past couple of weeks have had me in the hot seat and although the kids are learning I feel compelled to talk about what's been stirring in my heart.

Week 5, before 'the break,' was about praying for the people who are annoying or mean or irritating. This is something I've done for a number of years and seriously, it has brought me peace and a deeper understanding that people aren't really morons, sometimes they are just drowning in their own stuff and they don't realize how they are affecting others. I'm pretty comfortable with myself on this point so I didn't expect the growing pains that have been mine these last couple of weeks.

I have a pal who has been walking a rocky road in one of her other friendships. There has been misunderstandings that have lead to hurt and a break down in that circle of friends. I've spent some time talking this out with her and encouraging her to keep on keeping on. I know exactly how she feels because I've been in the same boat. Seriously, who hasn't?

Ladies, I'm talking to you now.

What's with us? Why is it so hard to walk in grace and drop hurt? Why do we so desperately cling to offence and our right to be right? Why do we so often choose pride over relationship? Why can't we recognize that we are each walking our own path, each facing our own struggles and we could each use a little more grace and a little less judgement?

There is this fire inside me to see women come together in friendship, in unity for the sake of our families, for the sake of our communities, for the sake of ourselves. I know that there is tremendous power in true friendship. I know that there is a deep well of love, esteem and appreciation in the heart of every woman for those they hold dear. I know because I have experienced it in my own heart and in the hearts of my closest friendships.

I also know that there is no one who can bring pain, hurt, envy, jealousy, strife and heart break like a woman. There is no being on the planet more calculating, vengeful and destructive to a woman than another woman. I have seen women crushed, devastated and humiliated at the words of another woman. I have seen self esteem crumble in one just by the mere glance of another. Its true, that old saying, those who you love the most have the greatest power to hurt you.

So why do we do this to each other? Why do we do this to ourselves?

I don't know. But I have an idea of how to stop it, how to move beyond the hurt. This goes back to the Week 5 Challenge. Prayer. It was while I was praying for some of those I find difficult to love that I had an IGIM ("I got it moment") about chicks and relationships.

Relationships have seasons.

Okay, I didn't say it was a new revelation or some kind of major epiphany. Its just something that finally clicked for me. Relationships have seasons. I finally figured out what this means to me and to my friendships.

I used to hate hearing that phrase. I thought it was flippant and dismissive and an excuse to quit when the going got tough. I would lament for years when I had a falling out with a pal or lost contact with someone. It would bother me to no end that I had this floating string just hanging there, off of me, where a person used to be connected to me. But something clicked these last few weeks and here's the second part to that IGIM, the part that made everything snap into focus for me ...

Reconciliation doesn't always mean a return to relationship. Sometimes its a coming together so you can part ways peacefully.

I think we, women, torture each other in friendship because we don't know how to let go gracefully. We hold tight to a relationship that has run its course, we love until we hate. We are so afraid of being alone that we often times choke the life out of a friendship in our desperate attempt to keep it close. I know I have. But I have also seen the most remarkable thing when I let go, when I yield to the natural ebb and flow of friendship, when I release my death grip in favour of opening my hands and heart to life. I have seen life and light and growth.

In recent years, when I have felt the drift of time, distance and circumstance enter one of my friendships I have taken a deep breath and let go. I haven't withdrawn or retreated. I haven't pulled away from the relationship, I've relaxed. I've accepted that sometimes things change but I have also left the door open to continue the relationship in a different way or at a later time. I have honoured the friendship enough not to suffocate it to death. And in this I have found a sense of peace and unity in my relationships that I have never known before.

I'm not sure if this is making sense. The thing is, we can have unity while we go our separate ways. We can have community apart because true, honest to goodness sisterhood is about respect and grace, not about hierarchy of friendship. Life comes from respect, not comparison and judgement. Authentic relationship is about celebrating our uniqueness and living with grace.

There is more to this, more to be said but for now ...  pray for each other. Respect each other. Love each other enough to let go and grow.

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning.  ~Ivy Baker Priest

The Art of Regrouping

So its going to be more like 51 Weeks of Giving or maybe 49 or even 46.

We've taken this week off ... no envelope opening, no questions no soul searching. This week we have called a 'hold' on our project. This week, in the midst of prayer lists scribbled on napkins, half finished fruit trees and the general chaos of our life, Mr. Awesome and I decided that we need to circle the wagons and tighten up the reigns ... or some kind of cowboy analogy.

These last couple of weeks have been particularly full of commitments and opportunities and while we've been busy committing and opportuning things have gone a little mental in This Random House.  Some things, important things (like hygiene and nourishment) have slipped trough the cracks. Our house looks like a hoarder's paradise and my book as been sorrowfully neglected. Its hard to have a home of peace when everything is in chaos.

So we stopped. Everything. Well, almost everything. We are still following through with our commitments but we've cut out all of the extra running around, the added stress of lessons and clubs, the rush of the school-activity-dinner-activity-bed circuit we often run. We are being still ... and getting organized.

This morning, I took the kids to school and came home. I didn't run errands, meet a friend for coffee or go prep for one of the commitments on my calendar. I came home and before I even allowed myself one sip of The Precious, I completed three tasks off my Massive To Do list. When I crossed them off the list I did two more, just for kicks.

Picking up the dirty socks from the front entry or vacuuming the dog hair off the couch isn't going to change The World but it will change my world. Most of the time I get so focused on The Big Picture, on volunteering, advocating and planning for the future that I gloss right over the here and the now. I forget the importance of towels in the bathroom, of clean underwear in dressers and milk in the fridge. I get so focused on growing character that I lose sight of the fact that my kids are growing up. Too fast.

Life will return to our normal soon enough. Lessons and clubs will go on and I will be back to my regular schedule of mayhem but it will be balanced with the things my family needs me to do. Recently, I heard a very wise woman, an international speaker and a mom to three boys say, "It would be a real shame if while I'm out planting in your garden, foxes were running loose in mine." So true. What is the point of all of the things I do in the community for my kids if I am not taking care of them at home? Who cares if I show up for recitals and school meetings if I am not present with them in our own house?

So, we are regrouping. We are cleaning, sorting, organizing. We are resting, laughing, being. We are together. We Are.

Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family.  Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.  ~Paul Pearshall

Talking Soup

Elbert Hubbard, an American writer, is quoted as saying, "A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you." How true is that?  Am I the only one who cleans my house in degrees based on who's coming over? If its a new acquaintance then I do a full clean, if its a casual friend then I do a quick tidy, if its one of my very closest pals they're lucky if I brush the dog hair off the couch!


Today I had the privilege of spending a couple of hours with a few friends, making soup and chatting it up for a local radio station. Apparently, January is soup month and I was asked to invite a couple of gal pals to our church kitchen to hang out and cook soup. The radio host is an acquaintance and when she asked I said yes with out really thinking. 

As the day approached, The Big Soup Day, I started to get a little nervous. I'm not much of a cook and the soups I make generally consist of canned and frozen items being tossed into my crockpot; nothing fancy, that's for sure. I contemplated looking for a really nice 'from scratch' recipe, something that would qualify as a proper soup but I just couldn't do it.

I had to keep it real.

A few months ago, I started meeting with some fabulous ladies in our community. We ,set once a week, watch a teaching podcast by one of several fantastic lady preachers and then we talk. we talk about life and family and faith. We talk for real and we talk about being real. 

I've discovered that the biggest road block to relationships between women is competition, either real or perceived. We all have a desire to show ourselves in the best light; to have the cleanest, nicest house, to have the most polite and well behaved children, to look our best at all times. We want to look like we have it all together.

So when our house is messy, our kids are having a rough day, we didn't have time to put on make up or take a shower we tend to pull away from each other. We don't invite people into our lives, into our homes. We don't want them to see our mess, to see the 'real' us. We are afraid that if people saw the real chaos, the real mayhem, the real life, nitty gritty stuff they'll ... what? Not be our friends anymore?

Seriously?

Turn that question around. What if you saw your friend, your neighbour, in moment of 'real' life? What if you saw dishes in their sink, dust bunnies in their corners, their kids melting down? Would you think less of them or would you think, "Phew! They deal with that too!"?

It's about Grace. Friendship. Life. Real life.

So, all that to say ... I kept it real today. I brought my store bought chicken broth, my Campbell's cream of mushroom soup, my frozen vegetables and my crockpot. I dumped my ingredients into the pot and then sat down for some conversation with my pals. After all, life is about the relationships, not the soup.

Keep it real. Real is magnificent!


We are meant for community, for friendship, for sisterhood. We are meant to know each other, to bear each other's burdens, to share each other's joy. We are women. We are meant to be extraordinary.
~Some Random Mother

52 Weeks of Giving: Week 5

Love.

Joy.

Peace.

Patience.

Goodness.

Gentleness.

Meekness.

Self-Control.

Faithfulness.

About two days into our chaotic week I had an epiphany. Its called 'fruit' of the spirit for a reason. It takes a long time to grow.

You don't plant a seed and have a nice juicy apple the next day. You plant a seed and then you water it and water it and wait and water it some more. Days and days pass without any fruit action. Actually, it looks like nothing is happening for a very long time then one day, out of the blue something breaks through the ground. You have fruit!

No, you don't.  You have a wee sliver of green that looks nothing like the fruit of your dreams. Do you give up? Do you stop watering and caring for this, this thing that isn't even the thing you were hoping for? You could. It would be easy to walk away in a huff because all of your hard work and patience has yielded nothing more than a tiny shock of green.

But you could stick with it. You could keep watering, weeding and waiting. You could keep hoping for more growth, for the fruit you intended to grow to show up. If you did keep tending and waiting what you would see is more growth. Still not the juicy apple you planned on but eventually you would face the undeniable truth that something is growing.

Now to be fair, you will grow old while you water, nourish, protect and strength This Growing Thing but one day, years down the road your tiny shock of green will actually develop into a serious tree. Its not the apple you had hoped for but still, a tree isn't a bad pay off for a years of tending The Growing Thing.

But wait. This tree is flowering! Its a thing of beauty now and that's even better than a regular old tree. What's this? Those flowers have fallen away and now Some Other Growing Thing is on our tree. Its small and green and there's not just one; there's a thousand and one! That Some Other Growing Thing is fruit! Its the fruit of your dreams, except there's not just one little fruit for you, there's a whole tree full of sweet delicious fruit. Enough to share with everyone you meet!

And so it is with kids, my kids at least. I have planted the seeds of what I hope their lives will grow and even though I see no miraculous growth right now, I have to trust with a little watering, a little nourishing, a little protection and time that they will grow. Their lives will be a bounty of every good thing, enough to overflow and share.

With a little time.

With a little patience.

Week Five: Give Love!

Think of someone who is mean or irritating. Add them to your prayer list.

Matthew 5:44
But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you and pray for those who spitefully use and persecute you.



Let's Chat:

1.Can you think of one or two people that make life rough for you sometimes? How do you feel about them?
2. Why do you think Jesus put so much emphasis on loving people, even people who are unkind?
3.What are some practical ways you can 'do good' to those who are unkind?
4.Ask Jesus to help you see and love these people like He sees them. Ask Him to fill your heart with peace, your words with kindness as you go about your day.

Now there is a final reason I think that Jesus says, "Love your enemies." It is this: that love has within it a redemptive power. And there is a power there that eventually transforms individuals. Just keep being friendly to that person. Just keep loving them, and they can’t stand it too long.
~Martin Luther King Jr.

Label Me This

I hate name tags. I cringe every time I show up somewhere and there's name tags involved. I went to a family reunion for Mr. Awesome's family this summer and everyone was required to wear name tags. I almost left.

The disdained for name tags is irrational but most people I know feel the same way. I don't know one person who walks into a conference or meeting and says, "Yay! Name tags! I love wearing name tags!" I'm not sure what the issue is really. Its our name. Its what people call us. Its what distinguishes us from others in a crowd. Its just a name, no big deal, right?

But what if the name we've been called, the thing that distinguishes us from the crowd, the label we wear is negative, hurtful or weak? What if the all the words we wrap ourselves in tell a story of someone who is a failure and a fraud? What if the words that we use to describe ourselves include terms like 'worthless' 'selfish' 'stupid' and 'inadequate'? Worse yet, what if those are the words that other people use to describe us?

When I was about 10 years old I remember going to a book store with my mom. As she browsed around the store, I loitered by the bookmarks. I already had a pretty sizable collection of bookmarks but I was always on the prowl for pretty or witty ones to add to my Super Secret Hiding Place of All Things Mine. While I was looking through the racks filled with cat, rainbow and waterfall bookmarks I came across a whole section of ones with names and their meanings. And there was one with my name on it ... with the correct spelling (I have rouge 'h' in my name that has been the bane of my existence my whole life!). I didn't even take the time to read the meaning ... I snatched up the bookmark, ran to my mom and pleaded with her to buy it for me. And she did.

In the car on the way home I caressed the little bag that held the one item I had ever seen with my right name on it. I couldn't wait to add it to my collection, to show all the Jennifers and Taras that my name really is real. I was finally validated!

Once we got home I made a beeline to my Super Secret Hiding Place of All Things Mine (aka the hall storage closet), pulled my new precious bookmark out of the bag and really read it for the first time.

"Victorious One"

???

That's what my name meant? Victorious? I knew that victorious was connected to the word victory but just to be sure I pulled my dictionary (yes, I was 10 and I kept my own dictionary in my Super Secret Hiding Place because it was sacred to me ... as sacred as my smelly sticker collection, my mini popple and my favourite giant pen with four different ink colours) out and looked up the word victorious.

Having won a victory, having overcome a struggle or hardship.

My name means 'winner'? But kids at school call me a loser. My cousins call me a crybaby. That teacher says I'm lazy. That grown up says I'm moody. Liar. Weak. Stupid. Fat. Slow. Uncool. Whiny. Selfish. Loser. Loser. Loser.

Something clicked inside me that day. Some truth found my wee heart. The truth that even though people may say mean things about me, they may use negative words to define me, my very name calls me a winner. I'm not saying that insults and rudeness never again affected me, but when those things came my way I reminded myself that the truth of my name IS the truth of my life. I am Victorious.

Wat is the truth about who you are? No, think past the names you've been called, the failures you've experienced and the hurts you bear. Think about the truth of who you are.

You are victorious. You are strong. You are good. You are kind. You have value. You matter.

That's the truth. That's you're name. Precious. Beautiful. Capable. Gifted.

Winner.

Words have meaning and names have power.  ~Author Unknown